If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him.
-Psalm 55:12
There have definitely been times in my life that I have felt surrounded by enemies. Some of these enemies were supposed to be people that I trust and people that would never be against me. In Psalm 55, David is in great distress over the feeling of being surrounded by enemies and he cries out in verses 6-7, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest-- I would flee far away and stay in the desert." David's cry seems to reveal such deep heartache that sounds unbearable. In verses 13-14 David reveals the reason for such anguish. "But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God." Such deep heartache can come from betrayal but only a person with intimate access to a heart can betray to the point of such deep pain. We have all probably felt pain from betrayal to some degree. I would say that there have been two big betrayals in my life among smaller ones. One of the biggest betrayals that has been an ongoing heartache for years is the relationship with my sister. The other betrayal that left me deeply scarred was the relationship with a high school boyfriend that ended because of a form of cheating.
The betrayal of my sister has always been the biggest struggle in my life. Many do not know my sister but I remember more lies from her in our childhood than I do truth. Believing anything my sister said was always a battle. Many of the things that came from her ended up surfacing to being a lie. As I had written in my testimony in my first post, it was my sister that told me almost everyday that I was worthless and that no one would ever truly love me. I remember being in elementary school and hearing from my sister's classmates rumors about me that my sister had started that were not true. In junior high, I would hear rumors about our family moving to different places that my sister had started. These rumors and lies deepened the pain in our family and from it, trust was non-existent with my sister. The biggest feeling of betrayal towards my family and myself from my sister was middle of junior high school. I still do not understand why but my sister decided to tell friends that our family was having issues and started a rumor that could have destroyed my parents' relationship and our family as a whole. I don't need to go into details on here but that was the point of feeling completely betrayed by my sister. I did not understand why she would risk tearing our family apart just to gain attention to herself. I did not understand why she would go to such an extreme. After that day, I could not believe a word my sister said. Anything she did or said I couldn't help but to assume it was for her own glory and wanted nothing to do with it. Just typing this out is bringing me to tears because I admit, the pain is still deeply rooted. I actually thought about this specific situation this summer in North Myrtle after having a phone conversation with my dad. I had decided to call home one night in hopes of talking to my dad and potentially have a door open to further share the gospel with him. My dad answered and had such a cold tone to his voice. I asked him how his day was and his response was so piercing. "It was fine, what do you want?" I simply replied, "I just called to see how things were." He quickly realized that it was not my sister and his voice completely changed in a second. He all of a sudden became more joyful and said that he was excited to hear from me. I almost broke down because it was the first time I realized that all this time I have been so focused on how much pain there is in my own life from betrayal of my sister that I have failed to realize there is pain in my family as a whole. My parents have felt betrayal as well. My heart hurt realizing that my dad probably feels just as betrayed and deeply pierced from my sister's lies and hurtful words.
The betrayal of an ex-boyfriend has come with scars as well. Not quite as deep, but the Lord is allowing me to see some effects still present. The words, "I love you" were exchanged in this relationship and I am not one to take these words lightly. Fighting was never present in this relationship and in my mind, the relationship was near perfect. In the last 2 weeks of this relationship, I had found out about a girl that my ex was talking to behind my back and making plans with. I felt completely betrayed and broken. I thought those 3 words of "I love you" meant so much more than they obviously had. A friend basically made me break things off because my heart did not want to let things go even with knowing he was not interested in our relationship anymore. This left me feeling worthless just like my sister had drilled into my head and I started believing that no one would love me like my sister also said. Beth Moore said in this chapter that, "chances are good that you were tempted to react destructively over the days, weeks, or even months that followed." This was entirely true in this betrayal. I started believing a lie from the enemy that told me my ex was looking to other girls because my physical beauty was not enough. I couldn't bring myself to eat for days because I hated myself. After experiencing weight loss from depression, I developed disordered eating because the enemy used it as a foothold to keep me from God's truth. I reacted in such destructive ways over this betrayal. The enemy knew that Christ was the perfect one to turn to in these times of betrayal but wanted to keep me blinded from truth. We can see four reasons why Christ in the perfect one to turn to in any betrayal in Hebrews 4:14-16.
So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Song of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.
-Hebrews 4:14-16
1. Christ is sympathetic. Our heartbreaks really are not anyone else's responsibility. They are Christ's. He came to bind up the brokenhearted. Isaiah 61:1 says, "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,...He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. As Beth Moore states, "all anyone can do is sit with us and watch our hearts bleed. Anyone but Christ can only take that kind of intimacy for a short period of time."
2. Christ knows I am weak. Unlike humans, Christ is never intimidated by the depth of our need and how great our weakness is.
3. Christ has been tempted in every way we have. Christ has also been tempted to react to betrayal just like we have.
4. Christ met our same temptations without sin. Christ has always been victorious over betrayal and it is through Him alone that we can as well. It is never too late to start following Christ's lead in any crisis.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 2:5
If God has allowed something difficult and shocking to happen to one of His children, He plans to use it mightily if the child will let Him.
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.
-Philippians 3:10
Why do we pray continually to be Christlike but when He allows "fellowship" in a few of His sufferings, we tend to whine and carry on? The Lord has allowed betrayals to be apart of my life to bless me with the opportunity to learn how to be more like him and experience grace more deeply.
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