Waiting Upon the Lord

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
-Isaiah 40:31

"Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who wait for me shall not be put to shame. 
-Isaiah 49:23


When I think about 'soaring on wings like eagles' all I can think about is the feeling of complete freedom. The Lord promises me strength and freedom! As I am in this tremendous season of waiting, I am reminded constantly how much my hope needs to be in the LORD alone because true strength, patience, joy, freedom, and contentment will only come through Him. As I am in my last full year of classes before trying to figure out where to go from college, everything seems to be COMPLETELY up in the air. I have the plan of this year being only classes, coaching, working at the YMCA an hour a week, lots of observation and time in real classrooms, and ministry. This list seems like a lot....because it is. The LORD is definitely showing me how busy I am...but that's another train of thought. So this year I have all mapped out between which classes I still have to take, what time I have for ministry, what time I have for myself, and what time I have for working between the Y and coaching. There are a few unknowns but for right now, I am trusting the Lord that this plan I have made for the year aligns with His. The biggest question mark is starting in May. I have no idea what kind of job I am going to do this summer before student teaching or if I'll end up in some other country spreading the gospel. The unknown can be nice sometimes to be able to live on adventure but unfortunately, I am also a huge planner. I want to know the Lord's plan for after graduation but I also want to live in His truth about patience and how much He blesses those who wait. I feel like I am currently finding the balance in making some sort of plan and trusting the Lord will use it or show me elsewhere but also completely trusting in His timing. I feel like right now I have so many options of ministry after graduation that it is overwhelming and it causes me to not make any plans and just wait. Isaiah 49:23 is comforting to me that it is okay if people think I am foolish for not having a plan or even thinking of a plan. The Lord tells me that I will not be put to shame and that He will teach me things in this time of waiting. If you have been following my blog, you can see how much the Lord is truly teaching me and it has been an incredible journey. In this season of waiting for many things such as what type of ministry, living in the U.S. or another country, singleness or marriage, more schooling or not, and many other things, there are ways to embrace this season of waiting and let the Lord use it in so many ways.

Not having much direction for after graduation next December allows me to truly savor every moment the Lord is blessing me with. The Lord has given me so many amazing opportunities to share the gospel on this college campus to college students who have lost their way to a relationship with the Father. In this time of ministry, God continues to show me the urgency of the gospel. In fact, the Lord reminded me of this just yesterday when I walking around campus with my friend Melissa as we tried getting into some spiritual conversations. Melissa and I ended up talking to this girl named Rainey. We asked her a few questions about her life and what she believed happened after death. The 3 words that she used to describe her life were exciting, fun, and drunken. Right away my heart broke for this girl because I have experienced those words describing my own life just a few years ago. I continued to listen to her as she told us that nothing happens after we die, we just die. She had nothing to look forward to. I asked her the question, "if your best friend came to you and said that he or she wanted to become a Christian but did not know how, what would you tell her?" Rainey looked me in the eye and said, "I would tell her to never talk to me again." I was completely caught off guard. I didn't know what to say. The Lord completely used this to bring me back into the reality of how lost people are...how lost I am sometimes. This conversation also reminded me that in this season of waiting, I am right where the Lord wants me and that I can savor these heart-breaking conversations as the Lord will use them to strengthen my heart for Him and His Kingdom.

This also brings me to embracing waiting by not just waiting. The Lord still wants to use our hands and feet for spreading the good news right now while we wait for the Lord to reveal our next steps. The Lord is allowing me to work on submission and self-dying even now through this waiting. I'll admit that practicing self-dying to my own desires for the Lord's is hard. I am able to work on serving others in so many ways without being so focused on where the Lord is leading me...considering I have no idea!

One of the biggest ways that the Lord is teaching me to embrace waiting is being a completely broken vessel. I have been able to humble myself before His throne and experience Him lifting me up instead of myself. The Lord has completely broken me over my lack of vulnerability and the Lord has created healing from it. I have been able to be completely real about deep desires of my heart and the Lord has blessed me in processing them and reminding me that He has placed certain desires on my heart for a reason and that through waiting for them, He is teaching me Godly patience to be used in future relationships and life situations. (Sorry for the huge run-on sentence.) Because of not knowing how the Lord is going to use current circumstances and desires, I can honestly experience being a piece of clay in the Maker's hands. After processing many things these past few months, the Lord has brought so much freedom into my life. I'm not saying that I'm perfectly obedient because there is still sin in my life and following Christ is a life-long journey. I am saying that I can lift my hands and say, "not my will but Yours be done, Lord."

The World Has Yet to See What You Can Do With One Who is Committed to Your Calling

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

Isaiah 43:2-3

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

-Isaiah 26:3

"Only a trusting heart will approach God honestly with the secret struggles of the mind. When we offer a trusting heart and an honest, open mind to God, renewal is on its way." -Beth Moore

As I think about the spiritual warfare that I experienced on Friday, I am reminded of how cunning and deceitful satan really is. (Yes, I refuse to capitalize his name.) The great news is that I am blessed with an incredible watchman who guards the walls of my mind and is able to give me truth to recognize lies. I trust the Lord is constantly searching my mind and heart for the ways the enemy is trying to pull me in opposite directions. Psalm 139:23-24 is such a vital everyday prayer: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me." Isaiah 26:3 promises that we will be kept in perfect peace if our minds are kept steadfast in Him. My mind is imperfect just like any other human being on this earth and I need God's perfect peace because of it. The Hebrew term for "perfect peace" is Shalom which mean, "to be safe, be complete, well, peaceful, whole, secure, friendly, healthy, sound." Our hearts and minds are able to experience this state of peacefulness and well-being when we remain firm in His promises and our faith in Him. We will be built up and we will be able to be used to build up God's kingdom as well. My mind decides whether I am going to say 'yes' or 'no' to what the Lord tells me to do something. I desire to have my mind remain in Him and His plan more than anything. In order for anyone to truly remain steadfast in the Lord, he or she must continue to lean upon God's Word and Truth. Trusting that God's Word is truth is obviously essential and so is continuing to be aware of lies and replacing them right away with Truth. The last part of Isaiah 26:3 states that we will remain steadfast in Him because we trust in Him. The Hebrew word for trust is 'batach' and means, "to attach oneself...to confide in, feel safe, be confident, secure." I got to spend time with my niece last night and the first thing she did when she saw me was run up to me and put her arms out to be picked up and held. She wanted to cling to me and be safe in my arms. This is a picture of how we should run to the Lord. We need to constantly be reaching for His arms to wrap around us for our security and safety. The Lord will never disappoint.

Lord, I continue to pray and trust that you will deepen my trust in You as I seek Your face. I continue to pray and trust that you will strengthen my faith in Your plan and not my own. Lord, James 1:12 promises, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." I thank You and praise You with arms high in worship for hard times and trials that test patience. Lord, I pray and trust for more patience, especially in the future. Lord, allow me to proclaim boldly and whole-heartedly that every ounce of my being trusts in Your plan and Your timing alone. Take away the temptation to control outcomes and the impatience in wanting to know details. Lord, I surrender to You. Take these hands and feet and use them only for Your glory. Reveal Your power and let Your Spirit flow through me. Lord, I'm giving You my dreams and desires to make them Yours and only Yours. Thank You for continually being the watchman on the wall of mind that allows lies to be recognized as lies and Truth to be recognized as Truth! Lord, thank You for the incredible blessings You have been pouring into my life with amazing relationships with encouraging brothers and sisters. Thank You for the blessing of being able to spread Your gospel on campus. Lord, I come to You surrendered.

Is the Lord trying to open your eyes to parts of your life not surrendered?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tG7lBZAULE8 

Search and Hear My Cry, O Lord

You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. -Psalm 86:5

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. -Jeremiah 17:7

Search my heart and search my soul. There's nothing else that I want more. Shine Your light and show Your face. In my life, Lord have Your way. With all my heart and all my soul, with all I am, Lord I will follow You. -Hillsong United

This blog is to work on my vulnerability and bringing things into the open as I process. As I read Jeremiah 17:7 in preparing for Bible study, my heart was so convicted. The Lord has been revealing to me areas that I STILL struggle with fully trusting in the Lord. If I were to truly allow the Lord to see through my front of having things together, I would quickly see how much growing and learning I still have yet to go through. I definitely do not think this is bad and in fact, I think it is exactly where I need to be. As I process...constantly...the desires the Lord has placed in my heart and also what the future holds for after graduation, I am realizing how much I do not truly trust the Lord to fulfill the desires He has placed for a purpose and I have some doubts that the Lord will reveal exactly where I am supposed to be headed. Lord, please give me more and more faith. I experienced some weird spiritual warfare this past weekend. I was meeting a new friend who is an incredible encouragement. I was excited to meet this amazing brother in Christ the Lord has used to send so much encouragement. All of a sudden Friday as I drive to the cities, the enemy was attacking me so heavily. It was so weird. I kept being fed the lie that the time was going to be worthless and that it was stupid. I knew this was not from the Lord and I just felt so confused why the enemy was so threatened. When any strong believers come together, the enemy is always threatened by the power of the Lord that pours out of them. However, I had never experienced this type of warfare before. The Lord kept reminding me how glorified He is when brothers and sisters come together to praise His name and enjoy the community the Lord blesses us with. The specific battle ended after a few hours but I am still aware of the lies that the enemy is still trying to place into my head about God's faithfulness. Lord, I desire Your Truth. I desire Your love about all else. I desire Your leading alone. God, I pray and trust that You alone will fill my heart with more and more faith that You are in complete control. Break me of my years of learned control. I want to be dependent on You alone and not myself. Lord, I see Your beauty in my life and in my heart. But, I still see my ugliness. God, You promise in Psalm 86 that You are forgiving and good. You promise that you are abounding in love to all who call to You. Lord, I am calling to You. I admit that I am imperfect when separated from Your perfection. God, You are a God of miraculous healing. You are a God of all power in the universe. You are the God who brought me to life and out of death. You are the God who has used my sinful flesh to bring the Gospel to the world. You are so incredibly worthy of my praise. You are nothing but deserving of my love and attention. Lord, take this life and use it for Your glory and plan alone. Take away my fears, my doubts, my UNBELIEF. Father, You are creator, You are Sovereign, and You are Jehovah-Jireh. You are completely faithful and trustworthy. Take the sin from my heart, bring me to my knees, and allow my soul to worship You alone. 

These words are the cry of my heart. I desire nothing but to follow the Lord's perfect plan for my life. The Lord is still allowing me to process and discern where He is leading me. 
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him! -Psalm 62:5

Unfailing Love

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.

-Psalm 107:15-16

It is so easy for us to accept God's love for others and we can proclaim it to every person we come across. However, we struggle in the belief that He loves us just as equally, just as extremely, just as completely, and unfailingly. I know my struggles, my own sins, my weaknesses, and the times and places I fall short. These are all reasons in my mind why He shouldn't love me. It is true that I do not deserve God's love but that does not mean that He doesn't love me. We find ourselves trying to humanize God because we cannot fathom that God would still love us to the extent and depth that He does when we all have messes in our lives. As a human, I catch myself loving people according to how they act but this is not how God loves. God's love is completely unfailing. 

Psalm 107:20 says, "He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave." The Lord gives us His Word to continually heal us and show His unfailing love to us as we experience His healing. Verse 22 proclaims, "tell of His works with songs of joy!" As I have been going through this study of 'Breaking Free,' the purpose has been to break chains and continue working on an even more healthy heart. The Lord has done amazing healing in my life as I continue to surrender to His unfailing love. That is the only thing that will create a healthy heart in anyone--learning to accept and abide in God's unfailing love.

God's unfailing love extends to the most rebellious captives and most afflicted fools. God also strives with His captive children until they are free. Think about those who are serving terms in prison. There are probably few prisoners who have people on the outside standing by them throughout their time in prison. The prisoners are soon forgotten. Think about Christians. Even churches create a trend that welcome the people who are bonded in alcohol, drugs, homosexuality, promiscuity, etc. at first. The church continually expects these people to fix their issues quickly though because we like success stories for powerful testimonies. God is the only one who is not repelled by the depth and length of our needs. God never excuses our sin and rebellion but His heart is still full of compassion. He patiently waits for us to leave our prisons. God does not give up on us. God may allow our lives to be more and more difficult if we stay in captivity but only so that we will become more and more desperate to surrender to God and the freedom that only He can give, but He will never leave. 

"Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and tell of his works with songs of joy." -Psalm 107:21-22

Agape

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind of steadfast, because he trusts in you.

-Isaiah 26:3

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

-Isaiah 54:10

I am currently a super senior in college. I realized the other day that the past few years have gone by SO fast. I woke up one morning questioning, "when did I become 22 years old in my 5th year of college?!" As I enter into basically my last year, it is now more than ever that I am truly figuring out where life is headed as far as after graduation and a career. I don't feel like my WHOLE life is being shaken, but the Lord is definitely creating a beautiful mess with any plans I had before recently. The path I thought God was leading me on for the future has definitely been a little shaken but God's peace through it all has not been. I can honestly say that I fully trust in God's mystery and am completely okay with not knowing exactly where He is leading me yet. The Lord knows the desires of my heart of wanting to do ministry in some sort of aspect and as I learn more about myself and what breaks my heart, He continues to lead me through hoops and doors. At this point, I honestly have no idea what ministry I end up in. I could see myself joining CRU staff possibly and I could see myself going overseas for at least short-term. I could see myself doing some sort of youth ministry in the church for younger women, and I could see myself doing some sort of women's ministry in the church as I learn more about myself as a woman of God. I could even do a mixture of these. I guess a factor that plays into any of this is the fact that God created me to be a woman. I wouldn't be an actual pastor in the youth ministry area and I wouldn't be a pastor of any kind for a women's ministry in the church. I have desire to be apart of these ministries but I am not sure what that would look like as a single woman as of right now. I continue to trust in the Lord's compassion and chaos as He gives me peace with these shaken plans. 

In Isaiah 54:10, the word compassion comes from the Hebrew word racham and it means "to sooth; to cherish; to love deeply like parents; to be compassionate, be tender. This usually refers to a strong love rooted in some sort of natural bond like a superior one to an inferior." All of our lives God retains strong feelings of compassion for us. He continually wants us to run back to him and have us come home. Psalm 136 continually states, "give thanks to the Lord for he is good" and "His love endures forever." God is Creator, Conqueror and Compassionate One. God changes works in our lives and He changes our paths unexpectedly but His love always stays steady and strong. Sometimes we will experience healing from pain, sometimes we won't. Sometimes the Lord will provide miracle, sometimes He won't. Sometimes the Lord will give us direct answers, most of the time He won't. The reason why sometimes He doesn't do what we ask of Him is because He uses all things for His good. His love endures forever through it all. He uses the things He doesn't do to teach us things that we couldn't have learned otherwise and it is all for our best. 

Proverbs 19:22 says, "what a man desires is unfailing love." We all long for love that will never fail us that is radical, focused, and trustworthy. Out of all my experiences that I thought were "love," none compare. God's love cannot be comparable. The apostle Paul gives us the truth about the most powerful love there is: "I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." This love is agape love. A love that is supernatural and one that only God fully possess. Only God can give this love. The only way we can love with agape love is to empty our hearts of everything and ask God to fill it with His love. 

As I continue seeking God's Word for where He is leading me, I experience more and more of God's unfailing love through the peace He has given me as I walk blindly by faith. God's love will never let me go. 

Walking Daily

O LORD, be gracious to us; we wait for you. Be our arm every morning, our salvation in the time of trouble. At the tumultuous noise peoples flee; when you lift yourself up, nations are scattered,  

and your spoil is gathered as the caterpillar gathers; as locusts leap, it is leapt upon.The LORD is exalted, for he dwells on high; he will fill Zion with justice and righteousness, and he will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is Zion's treasure. -Isaiah 33:2-6

Walking with Christ daily is so important for my life, and anyone's life who has made the decision to receive Christ as their Savior. When someone decides to allow Christ to be their Savior, there is so much depth to that decision. In our own flesh we are nothing but evil. On our own strength, we sin everyday, We hurt and disappoint others, we destroy ourselves, and most of all, we hurt our loving Father. We are not able to see the incredible privilege set in front of us. God sent Christ into the world to take the world's in upon his shoulders. Mine, yours, and even the worst of our enemies. We deserve death in return for the sin and hurt we pour into the world but God actually allows us to have an option. We do not deserve another but God gives us Christ to receive the punishment of death instead of us. I will never understand the true depth of the gospel....of Christ actually taking away the pain and disappoint in my life when I don't deserve the gift of such a selfless act when I am made of flesh that is pure selfishness. The day that I made a true decision for Christ to be my Savior, I needed to realize that it was going to be a life-long journey of walking along side Him everyday of my life. Beth Moore illustrates a picture that put things into a different perspective for me today. Most people of heard of the Footprints poem where the second set of footsteps belong to God and when there is only one set of footprints it is when God carries us. Except, that is how so many people only view God. They only view Him as one who is there in times of emergency. To some, God is just there to pick us up and carry us until we can stand on our own again and then we go back to our lives on our own time, strength, energy, and knowledge. These people probably appreciate God but they don't necessarily stay in close contact with Him once crisis passes just like you wouldn't hang out everyday with the EMT that pulled you out of a near-fatal car wreck. What a disgustingly wrong view of our Abba Father. God is here to save us but more importantly, He wants to live with us. Picture the footprints story this way: 

Everyday after you make the decision to follow Christ there are footprints walking through each day of your life. Many of the days have two set of footprints that appear and you ask God, "Are those my footprints every day, and is the second set of prints when You joined me?" God answers, "No, My precious Child. The consistence footprints are Mine. The second set of footprints are when you joined Me." "Where were You going, Father?" "To the destiny I planned for you, hoping you'd follow." "But, Father, where are my footprints all those times?" "Sometimes you went back to look at old resentments and habits. Sometimes, you chose your own path. Other times, your footprints appear on another person's calendar because you liked their plan better. Sometimes, you simply stopped because you would not let go of something you could not take with you." "But, Father, we ended up OK even if I didn't walk with You every day, didn't we?" God holds you close and smiles, "Yes, Child, we ended up OK. But, OK was never what I had in mind for you."

Wow. I truly do not desire to just be "OK" with God. Ever. God does not desire for us to be just OK with Him, either. He created us and desires us to share every aspect of our lives with Him. We should walk God's way because His way is far better than what we can imagine. 2 Corinthians 2:14 tells us, "God always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ." The Lord knows we will not walk perfectly with Him but He does call us to walk consistently with Him. In Isaiah 33:2-6 from above, we are able to see three results of a daily walk with God. First, God offers us the daily treasure of His strength. Psalm 84:5 says, "blessed are those who strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage." We often forget that we are on a journey leading to an amazing heavenly city. We will go from trial to trial and we also need to go from strength to strength from the Lord. Second, God offers us the daily treasure of His sure foundation. Obedient lives flow from obedient days, and victorious lives flow from victorious days. Verse 6 states how God is our stability and sure foundation. Third, God offers us the daily treasure of wisdom and knowledge. God is rich in salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. His wisdom and knowledge will be poured onto us little by little when we spend time seeking wisdom and knowledge from Christ everyday. We need God's wisdom and knowledge in His Word to guide us and show us the path that He truly wants us to take. Psalm 119:105 says that God's Word is a lamp to our feet meaning the guide for our steps day by day. His Word is also a light for our paths for our immediate futures. We need to spend time each day with our First True Love to be able to experience the privilege of seeing two sets of footprints in our lives daily. Walk with Him closely and He will bring blessings beyond imagination.

Acting Upon Truth

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it--he will be blessed in what he does. 

-James 1:22-25

God's Word is the only thing that will give freedom. Sometimes there is so much bondage in our lives that we cannot even imagine living an obedient life to Christ. God desires to completely renew us from the inside out. God wants to starve us from the tendencies we have in human flesh that create destruction in our lives and He wants to to teach us new habits that will bring freedom and joy. God wants to use His Word to teach us these new habits but we have to submit to His authority completely in order to experience the liberty He sets before us. Without the Holy Spirit controlling our lives, we cheat ourselves through being in nothing but rebellion. In Isaiah 30:15 the Lord says, "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." We are stubborn people who want to be the boss of ourselves. We think we know best for our own lives and we fall into selfishness of what we want. We put ourselves into slavery and bondage when we are rebellious children of God. We receive liberty from Christ the moment we receive Him as our Savior. However, if the internal gift of liberty is not release externally through obedience, we may possibly never truly experience it. 

I think about my own life and how much rebellion I have gone through. Even after accepting Christ, I still wanted nothing of God's strength because I thought I could do well on my own. I was seeking rest from depression through the world. I was not experiencing true rest because I was not applying God's Word in my life. I saw even more destruction in my life because of this rebellion. I even realize how my stubbornness has affected me now. Even though drinking and disordered eating were the biggest times of rebellion to God's Word, there are still hints of rebellion in my life everyday. God's Word tells me to love others above myself and show the gospel in everything I do. I don't always love people around me to the extent that Christ calls me to. Why? I still fear being rejected. Paul reminds me in Philippians 1:29 that I "have been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake." Following God's Word and His deep commands will sometimes come with suffering. If I truly want to be Christ-like, I should expect to be rejected from some, maybe most. If I am truly following Christ and His example, I should rejoice in rejection and suffering because that means the enemy is working that much harder to be against me. I think about my future plans and how rebellion can come from them. If my plans are not lining up with God's Word and His commands, my plans are nothing but selfish desires. Selfishness only leads to pure destruction of God's beautiful creation. I don't want to be rebellious, especially in my plans for after school. I truly desire to be doing God's work in everything I do. I believe that rebellion will only leave me being alone as I wander through this wilderness. I would love to be a wife to a pastor and have 4 kids and be able to be involved in ministry in a church in some capacity whether working with youth or women. There are legitimate desires that I have but if any hint of these desires is selfishness, I want nothing of them. These desires sound like a great opportunity to help in furthering God's Kingdom but they could also be a cause of rebellion if at any point I put them above God's true plan. The Lord has done a lot of refining in my heart and I honestly do not think desires such as these or desires similar to doing full time ministry after college are not of God. I do believe in His blessing and His desire to bless. However, I am continually called to be obedient in anything the Lord brings me to. 

In John 14:15-17 God directly speaks me us saying, "if you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever--the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him or knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you." We are completely blessed to not be alone in fighting against rebellion. The Lord gives us a Spirit of truth and I want nothing but truth in my life. I have seen freedom from God's Truth in so many areas in my life that I desire to continue seeking nothing but truth from Him alone. As I continue seeking after God's truth and plan, I want to constantly be reminded of where my freedom comes from.

The Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. -2 Corinthians 3:17

 

True Desires

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

-Psalm 37:4

As I process the desires that the Lord has placed on my heart, especially as of late, I continually learn more and more how many desires God has put in place for a reason. There are many desires that I have had since childhood and many desires that have changed in the past couple years as my relationship with Jesus has deepened. Being a woman, and a decently girly one in society's eyes, one of the biggest desires of my heart is to be a wife and mom. I desire to be beautiful inside and out and the desire to be pursued and romanced comes with that. I continually work on trusting the Lord to bring a Godly man to my side to lead me and be able to bring the gospel to those who do not know Christ with. I believe this desire has been placed on my heart for so many years for the purpose of furthering God's kingdom along side of someone special. The Lord knows my love for children and having opportunity to positively influence younger generations with the gospel. The Lord knows my heart in wanting children of my own and possibly the blessing of adoption so that they can also bring the gospel around the world. I continually fight Satan's lies telling me that I am not beautiful and desirable enough to be blessed with an amazing man of God who will delight in loving me, caring for me, giving me truth, praying for me, leading me and most of all allowing me to join his journey of bringing the good news to those who have not heard and do not trust in Jesus. As I fight Satan's lies, I am reminded of Song 4:1 that tells me, "How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!" The Lord uses these verses to romance and remind me that in Him, I am beautiful and He desires to bless me with my desires when I surrender to Him alone. Hearts not surrendered to God can seldom be trusted and until we surrender all of our hopes and dreams to Christ, we really have very little way of knowing what will truly fulfill us. What is truly behind my desire in getting married and being a mom? The desire to get married is to be able to fully submit to someone out of full trust. It comes with wanting to be lead and romanced and having someone who sees beauty in you no matter what. Although I still desire earthly marriage with an amazing man who seeks after Christ the same way I do, a truly deep relationship with God offers being able to submit to Him and being romanced by Him in so many ways. The Lord allows us to see beautiful things in nature such as sunsets and flowers so that we can see His beauty as well and know that He loves us and thinks we are beautiful in all that we do as we continually learn how to fully seek after His face alone. What about the desire to have children? I have always wanted a bigger family. Maybe not HUGE, but around 4 children has always been a desire. I would love to see different cultures within my own family as well if God opens doors for adoption in the future. Being able to raise children from different cultures is just such a unique opportunity to be able to spread the gospel to more places. That excites me. The true desire behind the desire to have children? The desire comes with wanting to invest ourselves into something that matters and will make a difference. We want to see fruit from the things in our lives and that is a desire that comes from the purpose God sets for our lives. As I think about these deeper desires, I realize that I have opportunities everyday to invest into things that matter and will make a difference. I am incredibly blessed to be able to serve in my church in leading high school girls and point them back to the cross as they continually face trials to turn away from it. I have the opportunity to coach junior high girls and most of them do not know Christ at all. Being able to love on them at such a hard time in their lives and see a difference is such a huge desire of my heart. I have disciples and underclassmen in my classes or on campus in general that I have opportunity to invest time in and share knowledge that the Lord has given me as I continually surrender my life to the gospel.

Each of us has dreams and if we truly trust Christ with all of our heart, nothing can disable God from surpassing our childhood dreams with His divine reality. God surpasses our dreams when we look past our personal plans and walk hand in hand with Christ on the path that Christ has chosen for us. God will undoubtedly keep us unsatisfied until we come to Him and His plan. A huge desire for me, and probably almost everyone, is to live happily ever after. Being a little girl that was completely about dressing up as a princess and being on stage as a beautiful dancer, a perfect fairytale was something that I always desired. This fairytale of living happily ever after can come true with Christ. Most people would consider a "happily ever after" one that comes with blessing and joy. Both blessing and joy are given to us through being obedient to the Lord, even in times of persecution and pain. Christ experiences happiness when he sees his servants being completely obedient in every aspect and situation of life. We are called to share in Christ's happiness according to Matthew 25:21: "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'" We can experience the happily ever after ending when we are faithful. 

I am currently processing where I am being called to and what God's plan is for my life so that I can be fully faithful to the Lord and what he wants of my earthly life. The Lord has placed the desire of full-time ministry on my heart. I do not know exactly where the Lord is leading me. I love CRU, a Christian college campus organization across the world, because it has shaped my relationship with God and has taught me so many things. I have seen incredible fruit in my ministry with this organization. My ministry with my youth group girls at church has had its rocky points but I was reminded the other night how youth ministry completely changed my life as it was through a conference with my youth group in high school that I heard the full gospel and had the veil finally lifted from my eyes as I accepted Christ as my Savior and Lord. I was reminded that it was my church youth group that really grew me in foundation of being a follower of Jesus. I would not be who I am today in Christ if it was not for my own youth group leaders loving me and pointing me away from the world. Speaking of the world, I love bringing the gospel to people. The Lord has blessed me in opportunities to see others come to know Christ in a personal relationship and being able to share the gospel to different people groups. I see the purpose and believe in the mission of overseas missions as well. There are so many options and the Lord is continually reminding me of the deepest desires of my heart. I feel like the path I see the Lord leading me down changes everyday as I mostly desire being a wife and a mom in any ministry setting or country. I trust the Lord's plan is perfect and His timing is completely perfect. I know the Lord has not given me these desires without purpose and I believe He will eventually bless these desires as I continually trust in the mystery of who He is and His perfect plan. I am fully surrendered and honestly completely open handed with His plans for my ministry after college. I am willing to go anywhere He sends me for any amount of time. I actually have so much peace about the adventure I have yet to see unraveled!

To Be a Bride

I delight greatly in the LORD;

my soul rejoices in my God.

For he has clothes me with garments of salvation

and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,

as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,

and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

-Isaiah 61:10

God creates many love stories and the best love story of all is how He sent His Son for such an incredible purpose. Christ can give us beauty instead of ashes and can lift our heads when all we want to do is mourn for whatever reason. 

As a little girl, I had dreams just like any other little girl. My dreams included being a bride, being beautiful, having children, and living happily ever after. These dreams still are desires of my life and are still desires of many who have not been able to have these dreams come true. I am fully aware that Satan continually wants to destroy my dreams along with any dreams that others have. God, however, wants to bless and gives us these dreams and many more so that we can long for His reality. Becoming a bride is a big dream for me. Ephesians 5:25-33 shows us that God created marriage so that we could experience and have more understanding of a greater relationship. Our greatest relationship is our union with Christ. We can experience a deep and intimate relationship in a marriage, just as God created it to be. However, our relationship with Christ is even deeper and more intimate as we are the bride of Christ. In a sense, the term bride implies things that the term wife does not. Bride implies newness and freshness. Our relationship with Christ will continue for eternity but it will remain fresh and new, a long last romance. The Word describes how to be a bride.

Jeremiah 2:2, God spoke to Israel saying, "I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through the desert." Being a loving bride includes having a willingness to follow her groom to places that seem like a wilderness and are unknown and difficult. God sometimes leads us to different places but we can completely trust in Him to have purpose of our path and that He will never forsake us. Think about earthly relationships and marriages. The groom will move his bride and possible family to new places with the purpose of seeking a higher quality of life. Christ does the same thing for our lives. Christ brings us to new unknown places because He desires to offer us a better quality of life.

Revelation 19:4-8 describe the corporate gathering of all believers and Christ. Verse 7 says, "The wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready." This verse tells us that we cannot make ourselves ready when we see Christ. The verse said the bride HAS MADE herself ready. We need to be ready as a bride to meet Christ. A wedding is not just about a lovely ceremony but about a long-term relationship. As we prepare to be eternal brides, we won't just be part of a beautiful ceremony. We have the privilege of being the bride of Christ. This is such an incredible honor. It is not just about making ourselves ready for the wedding but for the Groom. How are we to get ready for marriage if we do not spend time on knowing similarities and differences and how we may adjust. How are we to get ready for marriage if we do not spend time getting to know a future spouses' likes and dislikes or where the passions of their heart lie. We will not prepare ourselves for a marriage relationship unless we spend time thinking about how blessed we are with such a wonderful spouse. We will not prepare ourselves for a marriage relationship if we do not allow someone to enter into our life and allow them to see flaws and experience vulnerability. This is the same for our relationship with Christ. We cannot be ready to meet our Groom unless we are thinking about Him and the similarities we have that multiply as we follow Him. 

Psalm 45 is a wedding song. Verses 1-12 have intimate descriptions of our amazing Groom:

To the choirmaster: according to Lilies. A Maskil of the Sons of Korah; a love song. My heart overflows with a pleasing theme; I address my verses to the king; my tongue is like the pen of a ready scribe. 

You are the most handsome of the sons of men; grace is poured upon your lips; therefore God has blessed you forever.

Gird your sword on your thigh, O mighty one, in your splendor and majesty! 

In your majesty ride out victoriously for the cause of truth and meekness and righteousness; let your right hand teach you awesome deeds!

Your arrows are sharp in the heart of the king's enemies; the peoples fall under you.

Your throne, O God, is forever and ever. The scepter of your kingdom is a scepter of uprightness;

you have loved righteousness and hated wickedness. Therefore God, your God, has anointed you with the oil of gladness beyond your companions; 

your robes are all fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia. From ivory palaces stringed instruments make you glad; 

daughters of kings are among your ladies of honor; at your right hand stands the queen in gold of Ophir.

Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your ear: forget your people and your father's house,

and the king will desire your beauty. Since he is your lord, bow to him.

The people of Tyre will seek your favor with gifts, the richest of the people. 

We cannot help but love Him, for He loves us. We cannot help by respect Him for His character.

We stand in complete awe of Him. We experience complete joy in Him. 

I pray that I can experience these characteristics and descriptions in an earthly groom but more than anything, I pray that the Lord will continually allow me to see Christ in these characteristics and descriptions. The Lord has blessed me with moments of being in awe over what God has done in my life and He has blessed me with complete joy in Him over troubled times. I desire to be a bride and to be ready for a long, deep, and intimate relationship. Christ offers this desired relationship and there is no relationship comparable.

Brokenhearted Over Betrayal

If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him.
-Psalm 55:12


There have definitely been times in my life that I have felt surrounded by enemies. Some of these enemies were supposed to be people that I trust and people that would never be against me. In Psalm 55, David is in great distress over the feeling of being surrounded by enemies and he cries out in verses 6-7, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest-- I would flee far away and stay in the desert." David's cry seems to reveal such deep heartache that sounds unbearable. In verses 13-14 David reveals the reason for such anguish. "But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God." Such deep heartache can come from betrayal but only a person with intimate access to a heart can betray to the point of such deep pain. We have all probably felt pain from betrayal to some degree. I would say that there have been two big betrayals in my life among smaller ones. One of the biggest betrayals that has been an ongoing heartache for years is the relationship with my sister. The other betrayal that left me deeply scarred was the relationship with a high school boyfriend that ended because of a form of cheating.


The betrayal of my sister has always been the biggest struggle in my life. Many do not know my sister but I remember more lies from her in our childhood than I do truth. Believing anything my sister said was always a battle. Many of the things that came from her ended up surfacing to being a lie. As I had written in my testimony in my first post, it was my sister that told me almost everyday that I was worthless and that no one would ever truly love me. I remember being in elementary school and hearing from my sister's classmates rumors about me that my sister had started that were not true. In junior high, I would hear rumors about our family moving to different places that my sister had started. These rumors and lies deepened the pain in our family and from it, trust was non-existent with my sister. The biggest feeling of betrayal towards my family and myself from my sister was middle of junior high school. I still do not understand why but my sister decided to tell friends that our family was having issues and started a rumor that could have destroyed my parents' relationship and our family as a whole. I don't need to go into details on here but that was the point of feeling completely betrayed by my sister. I did not understand why she would risk tearing our family apart just to gain attention to herself. I did not understand why she would go to such an extreme. After that day, I could not believe a word my sister said. Anything she did or said I couldn't help but to assume it was for her own glory and wanted nothing to do with it. Just typing this out is bringing me to tears because I admit, the pain is still deeply rooted. I actually thought about this specific situation this summer in North Myrtle after having a phone conversation with my dad. I had decided to call home one night in hopes of talking to my dad and potentially have a door open to further share the gospel with him. My dad answered and had such a cold tone to his voice. I asked him how his day was and his response was so piercing. "It was fine, what do you want?" I simply replied, "I just called to see how things were." He quickly realized that it was not my sister and his voice completely changed in a second. He all of a sudden became more joyful and said that he was excited to hear from me. I almost broke down because it was the first time I realized that all this time I have been so focused on how much pain there is in my own life from betrayal of my sister that I have failed to realize there is pain in my family as a whole. My parents have felt betrayal as well. My heart hurt realizing that my dad probably feels just as betrayed and deeply pierced from my sister's lies and hurtful words. 


The betrayal of an ex-boyfriend has come with scars as well. Not quite as deep, but the Lord is allowing me to see some effects still present. The words, "I love you" were exchanged in this relationship and I am not one to take these words lightly. Fighting was never present in this relationship and in my mind, the relationship was near perfect. In the last 2 weeks of this relationship, I had found out about a girl that my ex was talking to behind my back and making plans with. I felt completely betrayed and broken. I thought those 3 words of "I love you" meant so much more than they obviously had. A friend basically made me break things off because my heart did not want to let things go even with knowing he was not interested in our relationship anymore. This left me feeling worthless just like my sister had drilled into my head and I started believing that no one would love me like my sister also said. Beth Moore said in this chapter that, "chances are good that you were tempted to react destructively over the days, weeks, or even months that followed." This was entirely true in this betrayal. I started believing a lie from the enemy that told me my ex was looking to other girls because my physical beauty was not enough. I couldn't bring myself to eat for days because I hated myself. After experiencing weight loss from depression, I developed disordered eating because the enemy used it as a foothold to keep me from God's truth. I reacted in such destructive ways over this betrayal. The enemy knew that Christ was the perfect one to turn to in these times of betrayal but wanted to keep me blinded from truth. We can see four reasons why Christ in the perfect one to turn to in any betrayal in Hebrews 4:14-16.


So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Song of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. 
-Hebrews 4:14-16


1. Christ is sympathetic. Our heartbreaks really are not anyone else's responsibility. They are Christ's. He came to bind up the brokenhearted. Isaiah 61:1 says, "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,...He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. As Beth Moore states, "all anyone can do is sit with us and watch our hearts bleed. Anyone but Christ can only take that kind of intimacy for a short period of time."


2. Christ knows I am weak. Unlike humans, Christ is never intimidated by the depth of our need and how great our weakness is.


3. Christ has been tempted in every way we have. Christ has also been tempted to react to betrayal just like we have.


4. Christ met our same temptations without sin. Christ has always been victorious over betrayal and it is through Him alone that we can as well. It is never too late to start following Christ's lead in any crisis. 


Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 2:5


If God has allowed something difficult and shocking to happen to one of His children, He plans to use it mightily if the child will let Him.


I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.
-Philippians 3:10


Why do we pray continually to be Christlike but when He allows "fellowship" in a few of His sufferings, we tend to whine and carry on? The Lord has allowed betrayals to be apart of my life to bless me with the opportunity to learn how to be more like him and experience grace more deeply.