"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
-Zephaniah 3:17My God is WITH ME.
My God is MIGHTY TO SAVE.
My God DELIGHTS IN ME.
My God REJOICES OVER ME.
It has been months since I have truly blogged because to be honest, this semester has been awful. This semester has actually been the worst in my whole college career. I've faced loneliness, lack of direction, heartache, discontentment, and most of all, I've been way too focused on the question, 'why?'
Through discipleship and my bible study, I have been faced with processing all the junk, fears, and pain from the past 10 years or so. The past times of depressing, disordered eating, drunken nights, breakups, hookups, and lost friendships. Processing all of this stuff that happened years ago has been rough and many times I have wondered why I am even bringing all this disgust back up. The past is not me anymore, I have been made into a new creation. I have never wrestled with God so much in my life trying to keep Him close but knowing at the same time that I have actually been pushing Him away with NOT wanting to process how the past has left me bruised and in need of true, deep healing.
Healing. To be honest, I thought I was done healing over a year ago. I thought that I had already walked through my mistakes and dishonor towards the Lord. I have learned that I am wrong more times than I think, including this one. This semester has been painful bringing up old memories that have literally been haunting me all of a sudden as I drive around this town that so much past has happened in. There have been days that I have even wrestled with anger towards God of why He is all of a sudden now, after 3,4,5,6 years, putting friends that wounded me and men who deceived me back into my path over and over again. I guess the obvious answer is to show me that if I can't actually face them with a smile and the love of Christ, I need more healing time to truly forgive them for breaking my heart. Putting a heart back together is definitely not easy. Impossible, actually. Our actions and words will always have an effect on our lives and our hearts that will forever change the way we think and feel from that moment. It is a huge blessing, though, to be able to learn more about emotions and actions through every single thing we do.
I have been learning A LOT about the patterns that show up in my life and through processing and remembering so many things of the past, I am recognizing why it has been so hard to learn how to freely forgive. My life sometimes seems like a mess and I am never as put together as I like to think that I am.......pride is another thing I have been recognizing more and more. Ugh, gross. We are all so much more messy than we truly think. No wonder why every relationship we have with any other human being is messy. I can barely understand myself as God works through me, I can never expect someone else to understand me. This is exactly why we need grace so much more and why we need to GIVE grace so much more. I have mostly been brokenhearted over the lack of love I see towards others. As a Christ follower, I am called to shower others with love and focus on the best in them. I definitely do not always do this because my wicked flesh gets in the way of focusing on someone's qualities that encourage me and bring light into my life instead of the fact that they didn't hold open the door for the person behind them. As God has me on this journey of healing and slapping me in the face of how much of a mess I really am, I have been able to learn more and more about the grace that He covers me with. Who am I to not give grace to others when I need SO much grace to cover my wretchedness? Kind of ridiculous actually, that we get so caught up in our needs and wants that we fail to see how much grace we really are being given and how much we really don't deserve.
The past couple weeks have finally been on the upside of everything. I am continually learning how to walk WITH God through all my past and the patterns in my life because of it and I have seen so much light and joy come through taking one step at a time. God has never left me. He has certainly been quiet many times as He has challenged me to trust His silence. Even when we walk through brokenness and distance from Him, God rejoices so much in us as His children. I just can't get over this. God has humbled me and His refining has cleansed my soul bringing me to view the cross as bigger and bigger. I feel like I can't even sufficiently express everything that has been going on the past couple months but God is good. I still have questions of why and I still wait upon God's blessings, whatever they are, but I have hope in the fact that I will never been alone in my wandering as I seek God's own heart in mine.
This post is pretty much just words spewing out of me as I try to communicate what I have been learning these past couple months. It has been A LOT and as overwhelming as it has been, it has been great. I am continually on the path of sanctification and God never promised me for it to be easy. God promises hardship and stumbling, I am learning to lay down my pride and self-sufficiency and just embrace it.
For those of you who read this, know that you are so special. I have been so blessed with encouraging friends and people who are willing to walk along side my mess of life and love me for who God created me to be. I am so thankful for those of you who forgive quickly as I fall and make mistakes, and even fail you. Thank you for seeing the best in me even when I sin, fall short of God's glory, and fall short of being a Godly friend. I cannot express how much I appreciate the grace that is given to me day by day from those of you who put trust into my heart. Thank you for letting me care for you, share emotions with you, share life with you, and stumble with you. I enjoy the mess in your life and I am truly grateful that you give patience while learning mine. You are loved!
P.S. If you have noticed that I am no longer on Facebook, it is because I am working on intentionality. I desire to have real relationships with friends and get to know others more deeply by being more intentional with communication. I will eventually be back, probably at the end of the semester. I still want to hear from you, though, so please feel free to call me! Call me old fashion, but I really love hearing your voice as I hear about what is going on in your life, I feel more connected to you. =)
