The Need for God's Grace

Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can't you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? 

-Romans 2:4 (NLT)

"Whether we are new in our faith or have trusted in Christ for many years, all of us struggle with the challenge of keeping our faith immediate--up to the moment. Our human tendency is to fall back on our righteousness, our track record, our ability to do and be good rather than placing our hope in Christ. Really understanding that Jesus wants our complete trust is an ongoing process." -Max Lucado

The past few weeks have been so hard. I can't begin to explain why because I don't even know. I have felt an extreme uneasiness and heartache. As the semester is coming to the end, living with roommates that are graduating in May and talking about plans after graduation has not been easy. People ask me the same questions of what my plans are and as much as I desire to know, I simply shrug my shoulders and say, 'it's a mystery.' Through this process I have actually realized how much I have been doubting God's plan and how God has been so incredibly patient with me. I never want to doubt God's plan and I never want to be disappointed in what God is doing in my life but right now, I am experiencing both of those feelings. It has been this heart-wrenching, exhausting cycle of having a slight doubt in God's providence, having the enemy take that and fill my head with lies and twisted truths that allow my mind and heart to be content in just sitting and waiting, allowing action in serving to the fullest of where God has me now to turn extremely passive, feeling more distant from the Lord because of it, gaining increased doubt of God's providence because of not getting anywhere, and then everything starts over. Sometimes I get so frustrated with how ugly human nature is and then I am reminded of the hope that brings those who are weary to their knees. I have always struggled with self-reliance within trusting the Lord instead of serving completely through God's grace.

God's grace and kindness has been more real to me the past few days. I've had those days that I have just realized how selfish my desires are, how impatient my heart is, and how much depth I have been lacking. Life has gotten overwhelming and confusing but instead of completely trusting in clinging to the cross completely until the Lord's timing is right, I have definitely been tempted to give up, throw my hands in the air and say, "God, I don't get it. I don't get what You are doing with emotions you have placed in my heart that are not going anywhere, I don't get Your purpose of placing things in my life that I did not ask for that have just caused confusion and disappointment, I don't get why there is lack of communication and intentionality, I don't get passivity, but most of all I don't get myself." I have been feeling so discouraged at even thinking about being disappointed in what God was doing or wasn't doing because I thought I am not supposed to be disappointed in God. God is good all the time and works all things together for my good. That doesn't sound like disappointment. My discipler reminded me of God's desire for us to be raw and real with Him and each other as believers. We all go through doubts and times of disappointment with God because we are not promised to understand God's perfect plan. It's not something that we should be ashamed of or refuse to recognize. God gives and takes away in our lives in order for Him to be most glorified and although we will not always understand, God wants us to be emotionally real and fully grieve our confusion and lack of trust. I think about any earthly relationship and the times that those relationships can experience the most depth. It can usually be when there is disappointment or confusion that forces two people to open up, reveal emotions, and take the risk of having their feelings and emotions of confusion and pain be rejected. When two people can truly open up and express honesty, the relationship deepens and the two people are brought closer. Our relationship with God is similar. Our relationship with Him will only deepen as we reveal true emotions of pain and let God see the rawness of our heart. Opening up to God about these hard emotions should be easier than entrusting them to people around us because there is no risk of rejection. God will never reject us, He is always understanding, and He always promises comfort. Why should we be ashamed of laying disappointment at His feet? Why should we hide from the pain of being confused by God's plan? We shouldn't.

I just realized that this blog post is kind of all over the place with thought but that is how my mind is feeling.....all over the place! There has been so much battle between my head and my heart lately that I have just been exhausted. I have had a huge lack of ambition to fight God's battle because there has been such a huge battle within my own heart. The Lord has used it to being me back to the need for His gospel even more deeply. I am a sinner. I make mistakes. I misunderstand others. I don't express myself the more accurate. I make assumptions. I analyze situations. I manipulate. I get comfortable. I try to bargain with God almighty. I get passive. I get wrapped up in the things right in front of me that I lose focus on God's big picture. I can be selfish. I am impatient. I complain. I am not any more good than the person sitting next to me at any certain time in my life. I need God's grace more than yesterday and I will need God's grace more tomorrow as each day more sins get added onto Christ's shoulders. I am extremely thankful for the confusion and hardship the past few weeks because I have been reminded how much more I need the gospel as I walk through this life in earthly flesh trying to rely solely on the hope and love Christ has put in place of my flesh. I forget about God's kindness and desperately need reminding every moment of every day. With the gospel and God's grace, I am able to let go of the emotions that hold back belief and rescuing. I need the Savior who promises perfect peace in every tribulation and the Lord that gives perseverance through every struggle. 

Psalm 6:1-4 is a cry of David's heart. A cry from a man continually seeking after God's own heart.

A Psalm of David. O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger, nor discipline me in your wrath. 

Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing; heal me, O LORD, for my bones are troubled. 

My soul also is greatly troubled. But you, O LORD--how long? 

Turn, O LORD, deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love.

On a completely different side note. As I continue to trust in the Lord for where He may best be glorified after graduation in which direction I go, I have thought about a new option. I graduate in December after student teaching this coming fall semester. I plan on student teaching around Stevens Point and am still contemplating whether or not I will still be coaching because this season has been a lot more stressful than I had originally thought. I'm not exactly sure if I will be able to handle the stress of student teaching and coaching on top of that ha. But, I keep thinking about how much I LOVE Substance Church in the cities. I love the truth spoken in the messages, I am able to experience God in such an intimate way during their worship and just feel so welcomed. I love hearing about what God is doing in this church because of the devotion the staff have to acting upon God's plan and how to bring the Gospel to the community around them. When I was in the cities back in September I went to one of their services with my friend Christa who I usually stay with when I visit the cities. I ended up talking to a random guy and he ended up sharing their internship program with me. I was instantly intrigued and have been praying about this possibility. The more I think about doing ministry and how I'm still not sure what that looks like, I think about how great this internship would be. So, there will be more details to come as I continue praying about this but I am heavily thinking about moving to the cities next January and start this internship through Substance in February. I could substitute teach, have a full time job, have a long term sub job, or work in other capacities while doing this internship which would be very wise just coming out of college to help pay off student loans before going fully into full time ministry. This is just kind of a hypothetical plan for now but every time I visit the cities I love it more and more and I'm ready for a new adventure. I guess we will see where God leads! =)