You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. -Ephesians 4:22-24
I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. -Jeremiah 31:3
He began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.'" -Matthew 26:37-38
He looked around them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, 'Stretch out your hand.'" -Mark 3:5
"I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God." -Exodus 20:5
At first glance, these scriptures look very random but they have a great purpose around one theme that I am processing through. Emotions. Feelings. Growing up, I was told many times that being emotional was not acceptable. I had best friends that made fun of me for crying so easily so I literally made myself stop and I would not allow myself to cry at all. I shoved emotions away and did not allow myself to fully grieve situations that I was meant to grieve out of thinking that crying over something was dumb. Being sad is just one of many emotions but just like sadness, any emotion but happiness seemed to go against the world's normal state of emotion. Just like most of the people around me, I was taught that any emotion but happiness was bad. I also think about my Christian walk and where emotions and feelings play into having a relationship with God. I remember so many times being told that feelings are unreliable and I could not trust just a feeling in my heart or gut. I know many other Christians are taught this similar view that feelings are not steady and because of that, should not be looked into very deeply. I am actually reading 'Emotionally Healthy Spirituality' right now in discipleship and this book is where this post is coming from. The author of this book says, "when we deny our pain, losses, and feelings year after year, we become less and less human. We transform slowly into empty shells with smiley faces painted on them." Having feelings and emotions placed within us is biblical and when we fail to recognize this truth, our lives are damaged and we are kept from freedom. Ephesians 2:22-24 talks about putting off our old self and putting on the new self that was created in God. How are we supposed to know what to put off if we do not know our old selves? How do we know our old selves if we do not allow ourselves to recognize feelings and emotions that have scarred us for far too long? How am I supposed to be able to live in the freedom that Christ gives me if I have not worked through emotions and feelings? Some of the verses at the top show us that God Himself feels emotion. God feels sadness, jealousy, anger, love, compassion, delight, pain, sorrow, trouble, joy, distress, and every single emotion out there. Genesis 1:27 tells us that we are created in God's image. I am a creation of the God that feels every emotion under the sun and there is nothing wrong and bad about God. Every aspect of His is completely perfect. Why then do I shove emotion back down and pretend as if it is not there out of shame that it is wrong to feel?
There is another problem. A lot of the time I don't even know what my emotions are and am unable to respond thoughtfully to my feelings because of it. However, God has designed us with bodies to respond physically to our feelings and others around us. If we allow ourselves to feel and recognize that God has placed feelings and emotions in us for a purpose, we can actually allow God to speak to us through a knot in our stomachs, muscle tension, trembling and shaking, headaches, or a suddenly elevated heart rate. Some of these things still seem silly to rely on but sometimes our bodies know our feelings before our minds even do. I definitely do not look at these things as God speaking to me a lot of the time because I was taught not to. I think about people talking about knowing what love is and when they love someone by having a knot in their stomach, shortness of breath, and racing heart from nervousness and how most people think they are crazy for relying on physical feelings to discern love. What if it isn't crazy? What is God really does use these feelings to speak to us? The more I see how past feelings and emotions have actually fit right in with God's plan in the end, the more I see that God doesn't want us to separate emotions from our processing and discernment of what God is trying to tell us. I am obviously not saying that we should fully rely on feelings. However, if we seek His truth and our emotions and feelings are biblical then why should we disregard them so quickly?
One of our greatest obstacles in knowing God is our own lack of self-knowledge. I find myself bringing pain and sorrow to God because I believe that He is the ultimate comforter and is the only One who can truly understand the pain. However, when it comes to more difficult emotions like anger, I tend to convince myself that I should not be feeling anger because it does not bring love into the situation. I still have to continually remind myself that there is righteous anger and biblical reasons for any emotion. Without knowing God's truth along with knowing our true emotions, we cannot grow in Christ. I desire to let God bring my emotional state back to where He created it to be. I trust that the Lord has placed emotions in my heart and body to speak to me in numerous ways. As I reflect on the value of recognizing and even relying somewhat on feelings, I processed a few questions.
What do I love(things that are good and not as good to love)?
-Feeling acknowledged, feeling special, being affirmed, knowing direction, having a plan, being trusted, encouraging others, being encouraged through words both verbal and written, women that are willing to be vulnerable with me and challenge me to be vulnerable with them, being an influence, having someone take the time to know how to pray for me, dancing, singing, playing music through instruments, being outside, being able to see God's beauty in the simplest things.....the list could go on and on so I'll stop there.
What am I angry about?
-My selfishness in not always abandoning myself for the sake of the gospel, my sister's selfishness, my dad not taking care of his health and not knowing if he'll be around for much longer, my shyness and that it is misunderstood, my insecurity that is almost mistaken by people as not caring for them, distractions that keep my mind in the world and not being in constant surrender to Christ
What am I afraid of (Some may or may not seem silly but they need to be recognized)?
-Being the single the rest of my life, losing my dad too quickly, not seeing my family members in Heaven after this life, not having others see my true full heart because of insecurity and shyness, not being able to have a great relationship with my sister, not allowing God to use me in the ways that He wants to
What am I enjoying?
-Brokenness that is allowing God to refine the woman of God He wants me to be, new friendships, living in a Christian community for the first time with awesome roommates, seeing the Lord use me in the ministries He has blessed me with, more time in my schedule to sit still before Him, having more time to practice music and dance, God's faithfulness
What am I sad about?
-The lack of intentionality between all my family members, my own lack of intentionality towards others, my sister's life choices, my family's hard hearts towards the grace of God, seeing how my past actions have hurt others, passivity in myself and others towards me, my dad's health, the possible future that Hailey may have because of my sister's selfishness, not knowing the future, admitting that as little as it may be there is doubt about the future, seeing broken lives right in front of me that refuse to accept the only One who gives true hope, the world in general
These emotions have purpose and I believe that God is teaching me to not automatically disregard any feeling because He very well could be using it for His good.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28
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