Bucket List

I just decided to make a bucket list and I thought I would share it. Enjoy!

*Visit Paris

*Play the piano well

*Play the guitar as well

*Be serenaded

*Write long hand letters back and forth to the one I love dearly

*Experience the secret churches in China

*Write a song

*Write a book

*Publish a poem

*Fall in love with a Godly man

*Raise great children

*Take a road trip to California

*See New York in the winter

*Work in a church

*Learn how to surf

*Go snorkeling in Mexico

*Climb a legitimate mountain

*Run a half marathon

*Fix up an old house

*Visit Turkey and see where Paul preached

*Carve my name in a tree

*Go on an African safari

*Learn to swing dance

*Go on a cruise

*Visit Vermont

*Take a trip to see where I was born in Texas

*Share the gospel with with all my family members

*Go paintballing

*Participate in a massive food fight

*Kiss in the rain

*Learn how to knit and crochet

*Learn how to use the sewing machine

*Participate in a bike race

*See a Broadway play

*Stop biting my fingernails

*Get better with taking compliments

*Be a constant living example of a Christ follower

*Take a trip to Hawaii

*Ride a train

*Love Jesus more and more each day

*Read through the entire Bible in a year

*Bake a huge cake from scratch

*Grow in forgiving more quickly

*Allow God to continually use me to further His kingdom

*Love others wholeheartedly even with risking rejection

*Go all-out camping, living on minimal resources in a tent in the woods

*Meet Boyce Avenue

*Adopt a child from another country

*Plant a community garden

*Host a murder mystery party

*Be thrown a surprise party

*Be surprised with a dozen white roses

Well, this is the start! More to be added throughout life.

The Need for God's Grace

Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can't you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? 

-Romans 2:4 (NLT)

"Whether we are new in our faith or have trusted in Christ for many years, all of us struggle with the challenge of keeping our faith immediate--up to the moment. Our human tendency is to fall back on our righteousness, our track record, our ability to do and be good rather than placing our hope in Christ. Really understanding that Jesus wants our complete trust is an ongoing process." -Max Lucado

The past few weeks have been so hard. I can't begin to explain why because I don't even know. I have felt an extreme uneasiness and heartache. As the semester is coming to the end, living with roommates that are graduating in May and talking about plans after graduation has not been easy. People ask me the same questions of what my plans are and as much as I desire to know, I simply shrug my shoulders and say, 'it's a mystery.' Through this process I have actually realized how much I have been doubting God's plan and how God has been so incredibly patient with me. I never want to doubt God's plan and I never want to be disappointed in what God is doing in my life but right now, I am experiencing both of those feelings. It has been this heart-wrenching, exhausting cycle of having a slight doubt in God's providence, having the enemy take that and fill my head with lies and twisted truths that allow my mind and heart to be content in just sitting and waiting, allowing action in serving to the fullest of where God has me now to turn extremely passive, feeling more distant from the Lord because of it, gaining increased doubt of God's providence because of not getting anywhere, and then everything starts over. Sometimes I get so frustrated with how ugly human nature is and then I am reminded of the hope that brings those who are weary to their knees. I have always struggled with self-reliance within trusting the Lord instead of serving completely through God's grace.

God's grace and kindness has been more real to me the past few days. I've had those days that I have just realized how selfish my desires are, how impatient my heart is, and how much depth I have been lacking. Life has gotten overwhelming and confusing but instead of completely trusting in clinging to the cross completely until the Lord's timing is right, I have definitely been tempted to give up, throw my hands in the air and say, "God, I don't get it. I don't get what You are doing with emotions you have placed in my heart that are not going anywhere, I don't get Your purpose of placing things in my life that I did not ask for that have just caused confusion and disappointment, I don't get why there is lack of communication and intentionality, I don't get passivity, but most of all I don't get myself." I have been feeling so discouraged at even thinking about being disappointed in what God was doing or wasn't doing because I thought I am not supposed to be disappointed in God. God is good all the time and works all things together for my good. That doesn't sound like disappointment. My discipler reminded me of God's desire for us to be raw and real with Him and each other as believers. We all go through doubts and times of disappointment with God because we are not promised to understand God's perfect plan. It's not something that we should be ashamed of or refuse to recognize. God gives and takes away in our lives in order for Him to be most glorified and although we will not always understand, God wants us to be emotionally real and fully grieve our confusion and lack of trust. I think about any earthly relationship and the times that those relationships can experience the most depth. It can usually be when there is disappointment or confusion that forces two people to open up, reveal emotions, and take the risk of having their feelings and emotions of confusion and pain be rejected. When two people can truly open up and express honesty, the relationship deepens and the two people are brought closer. Our relationship with God is similar. Our relationship with Him will only deepen as we reveal true emotions of pain and let God see the rawness of our heart. Opening up to God about these hard emotions should be easier than entrusting them to people around us because there is no risk of rejection. God will never reject us, He is always understanding, and He always promises comfort. Why should we be ashamed of laying disappointment at His feet? Why should we hide from the pain of being confused by God's plan? We shouldn't.

I just realized that this blog post is kind of all over the place with thought but that is how my mind is feeling.....all over the place! There has been so much battle between my head and my heart lately that I have just been exhausted. I have had a huge lack of ambition to fight God's battle because there has been such a huge battle within my own heart. The Lord has used it to being me back to the need for His gospel even more deeply. I am a sinner. I make mistakes. I misunderstand others. I don't express myself the more accurate. I make assumptions. I analyze situations. I manipulate. I get comfortable. I try to bargain with God almighty. I get passive. I get wrapped up in the things right in front of me that I lose focus on God's big picture. I can be selfish. I am impatient. I complain. I am not any more good than the person sitting next to me at any certain time in my life. I need God's grace more than yesterday and I will need God's grace more tomorrow as each day more sins get added onto Christ's shoulders. I am extremely thankful for the confusion and hardship the past few weeks because I have been reminded how much more I need the gospel as I walk through this life in earthly flesh trying to rely solely on the hope and love Christ has put in place of my flesh. I forget about God's kindness and desperately need reminding every moment of every day. With the gospel and God's grace, I am able to let go of the emotions that hold back belief and rescuing. I need the Savior who promises perfect peace in every tribulation and the Lord that gives perseverance through every struggle. 

Psalm 6:1-4 is a cry of David's heart. A cry from a man continually seeking after God's own heart.

A Psalm of David. O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger, nor discipline me in your wrath. 

Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing; heal me, O LORD, for my bones are troubled. 

My soul also is greatly troubled. But you, O LORD--how long? 

Turn, O LORD, deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love.

On a completely different side note. As I continue to trust in the Lord for where He may best be glorified after graduation in which direction I go, I have thought about a new option. I graduate in December after student teaching this coming fall semester. I plan on student teaching around Stevens Point and am still contemplating whether or not I will still be coaching because this season has been a lot more stressful than I had originally thought. I'm not exactly sure if I will be able to handle the stress of student teaching and coaching on top of that ha. But, I keep thinking about how much I LOVE Substance Church in the cities. I love the truth spoken in the messages, I am able to experience God in such an intimate way during their worship and just feel so welcomed. I love hearing about what God is doing in this church because of the devotion the staff have to acting upon God's plan and how to bring the Gospel to the community around them. When I was in the cities back in September I went to one of their services with my friend Christa who I usually stay with when I visit the cities. I ended up talking to a random guy and he ended up sharing their internship program with me. I was instantly intrigued and have been praying about this possibility. The more I think about doing ministry and how I'm still not sure what that looks like, I think about how great this internship would be. So, there will be more details to come as I continue praying about this but I am heavily thinking about moving to the cities next January and start this internship through Substance in February. I could substitute teach, have a full time job, have a long term sub job, or work in other capacities while doing this internship which would be very wise just coming out of college to help pay off student loans before going fully into full time ministry. This is just kind of a hypothetical plan for now but every time I visit the cities I love it more and more and I'm ready for a new adventure. I guess we will see where God leads! =)

Yielding Rights

Have this attitude in yourselves, which was also Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. -Philippians 2:5-8


I have been listening to a few sermons by Roger Hershey the past couple days and I encourage you to check him out on iTunes podcasts because he has some great wisdom. I listened to his sermon on yielding rights and can completely relate to his words as I think about some of the expectations I have of having a 'right' to certain knowledge and things.


Verse 5 tells us that we should have an attitude of Jesus who emptied Himself. Jesus took on the role of a bond-servant, a slave, and laid aside His rights. Jesus had the right to the whole kingdom of God but laid that right down to die on the cross and purchase our salvation. Because God bought us with the price of Christ's precious blood, we are owned by Him. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, "or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body." I am not my own and I have been purchased to be saved from sin, death, and hell. I have been bought to be set free from slavery to sin and to satan. God is our new master and He is the only one who owns every right of our lives. When we put our faith in Jesus, we die with him on the cross. We die to our flesh, our dreams, our desires, our sin. I am united with Christ in order to be raised from the death of who I was and to be made into the perfection that God created me to be in Him.


I think about all the rights that I keep holding onto and realize that holding on to rights only causes more pain and disappointment because holding onto rights is failing to truly trust in God's plan and faithfulness. I catch myself thinking that I have the right to not struggle financially, I have the right to the knowledge to understand what God is doing in my life, I have the right to good health, I have the right to have people like me, I have the right to be given a dating relationship, I have the right to a future family, I have the right to do what I want with the time I am given in my day, I have the right to understand where others are coming from, I have the right to forgive on my timeline, I have the right to be admired, I have the right to be respected and be recognized, I have the right to be comfortable, I have the right to have convenience, I have the right to be treated fairly, I have the right to be understood, I have the right to have approval of family, I have the right to a long life, I have the right to follow my dreams, and I have the right to never suffer. Why on earth do I think that I can have these rights? There is nothing that says I am privileged with rights when I started following the Lord. In fact, I should have the mindset of the complete opposite. If my life is truly all about living a life like Christ's, the only right I should think I have is to have no rights at all. Why do we think we have the right to constantly experience love from others and blessings of comfort and desires when Christ was hated and went through unbearable physical pain to be able to take the punishment of my wrong-doing. Christ was disrespected in every way possible but yet we put ourselves on pedestals above Christ when we think that we deserve and have the right to things and experiences. When the rights that we think we deserve to keep are violated we can experience bitterness, frustration, and disappointment. This stings my heart because the past couple weeks I have been battling with the Lord about being frustrated with why He placed situations in my life that caused emotional confusion that lead to feeling teased and disappointed. I felt that I had the right to understand God's purpose and plan at any given moment. This is so untrue. The more I hung onto thinking I had the right to understanding the more disappointment I was creating for myself. God never promised me understanding to His plan and He has never promised that I would never be confused. In fact, God does promise trials for the purpose of testing our faith in His character. God does promise suffering. We don't follow Jesus because He makes everything good. We follow Jesus because He is worthy. He is worthy of my life. He is worthy of my heartache, worthy of my pain, worthy of confusion, worthy of my disappointment because He does promise in Romans 8:16-17 that: "The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him." We will share glory with Jesus one day. What an amazing reward for following Christ through every trial and suffering with perseverance. Just like anyone else following Christ, I have to surrender everything. Each time I am facing disappointment I need to yield my rights to God over and over and over again. God is sovereign and I cannot pick and choose which characteristics of God I want to believe in and trust and which ones I do not. I need to be brought back to Luke 9:23 everyday which says, "And He was saying to them all, 'if anyone wishes to comes after me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me.'"


We have the choice to demand our rights or yield our rights. We have to make that decision over and over again as we walk through life. If we live a life of demanding our rights we risk living a life of bitterness, disappointment, anger, and frustration because life is not going to our way most of the time. If we live a yielded life then whatever God brings we will joyfully accept it because we will trust that God knows what is best.

The Good Shepherd

A psalm of David. The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,  he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.-Psalm 23

"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." 

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me." -John 10:11, 14

This psalm is not written for those who do not follow Christ. This psalm only applies to those of us who proclaim that Jesus really is our shepherd by receiving Him through faith. Jesus' saving work is sufficient for all (2 Corinthians 12:9) but it is only effective for those who fully believe in Jesus. When we read this psalm we are proclaiming that Jesus is MY shepherd and if that reflects our lives then we have everything in Him.

A shepherd supplies basic needs for his sheep just like Christ supplies our needs for us. He makes us lie down in green pastures meaning that we will not lack food for our souls and physical bodies. Jesus will not let us go hungry. Jesus leads us beside the still waters meaning that we will not lack refreshment and liquids needed to survive. Our physical bodies need plenty of water to function at their best but our souls also need refreshment of calmness. Jesus restores our souls and in Him we will not lack energy. Relying on Christ's strength we will be able to run the race set before us with full energy from the restoration of our souls that Christ blesses us with. Jesus leads us in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. When we truly turn to Jesus we will never lack moral direction. Jesus will lead us on the path that will bring the most glory to God and fulfill the purpose that God created us to have. Jesus will never leave us and will always be with us even when we walk through darkness. We do not need to be afraid of death because Jesus provides comfort. Sin that is unconfessed and unforgiven is the sting of death that we deserve. However, Christ robs death of that sting for those who believe in Him. Sheep need correcting sometimes in the direction that they are going and shepherds use their rod and staff to guide the sheep into the right direction. The rod and staff are also used to protect sheep. Jesus also needs to correct our direction but He also protects us in huge ways. Jesus prepares a table with all the spiritual blessings that He purchases for us with His precious blood and we are able to sit and enjoy these blessings even when surrounded by enemies because Christ gives peace and security in Him. Sheep gain scratches and wounds as they take paths of the unknown. Shepherds use oil on the heads of sheep to soothe the pain of these scratches and wounds. Jesus anoints our heads with oil so that our wounds will be soothed and healed. When we truly think about all these ways that Christ shepherds us and the blessings that He pours upon us we will have no choice by to gratefully acknowledge Him and experience "our cup running over" with joy and peace of the Lord. As we are escorted through life, Christ will continue to guide us to our eternal dwelling place of the Father's house. We will be led by God's goodness and mercy. Oh Praise Him for the opportunity to even be led down a path of righteousness and perfection.

As I look back into my college years, I see the ways God worked in miraculous ways as a true Shepherd. Even going into college suffering from depressing, the Lord was there to comfort. Although I did not fully allow Him to be my ultimate comfort, I can see the times that God's comfort was overwhelming. When I transferred to UWSP because of not wanting to be away from home during depression and because of secretly hoping things would work out again with my ex boyfriend, I fully believe that it was the Lord leading me into the amazing Christian community that I am blessed with at this school. If I would not have transferred back home, even for the wrong reasons, I would not have gotten plugged into Christian ministry eventually. The first semester of being a transfer student was not a semester of following the Lord....far from it. But, I met people who eventually got me to leave the party scene and check out someone who was worth following. The Lord used this time to lead me in ways that I was not expecting and used times of doubt and darkness to steer me to His ultimate purpose. I could write about SO many times that the Lord pulled me out of sin, recalculated my path, and put me back in the right direction. The Lord has given me incredible strength in significant situations that allowed me to protect who I was in Christ. Middle of sophomore year I had started dating a guy who seemed to know the Lord but I failed to truly understand what he viewed following God looked like. When he started pressuring me past boundaries I had set up for myself I was able to let that relationship go right away. I really liked the guy at the time and it was definitely the Lord giving me strength to break up with him so quickly and I am definitely thankful! 

Do I honestly see God as my good shepherd right now? Yes, I honestly do. I have seen the crazy ways the Lord has brought me to Him the past few years and sometimes I view it as truly a miracle. There is no doubt in my mind that it was God who interfered with the plans I had for myself and brought me to His plan. The Lord has pulled me out of the worst pains and ruts in my life and gave me strength to do nothing but seek after Him. I have been able to sprint after His goodness because He has blessed me with so many opportunities to see it first hand in my life. I trust in following the Lord because my plans have been nothing compared to the crazy things God has thrown into my life. One of the craziest blessings was a few summers ago. I may have written about this story already but I am reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness through it. I had decided that I was going to make a plan to go on Summer Project, a missions trip. I had made the plan to send out support letters and I planned on getting a good response from my family....because they are family and family is supposed to support family. Well, my plan did not go exactly the way I thought it was going to. My own grandmother who would randomly give us money on visits told me she would not support anything I was doing with missions. In fact she offered to pay for the rest of my college career if I did not go. I quickly refused her offer but had no idea where the rest of my support was going to come from if not from family. Unfortunately, she passed away a week before going on the trip but God had a plan in all of this all along. I had no idea that there was going to be an inheritance giving to us as grandchildren from her passing. The inheritance is paying for the rest of my school for the most part and helped me to go to Africa the next summer. God is faithful in mysterious ways but I will follow His mystery because I would not be the changed person I am if I had not still gone on that trip despite the lack of support that turned into a huge blessing. 

In order to look to God for wisdom in what to do after I graduate, I need to fully believe that God can and He will lead me like the good shepherd. He will lead me in the best way. There are fears that God will vanish from continuing to lay them at His feet. Lord, I need You to take my fears and anxieties that are known and replace them with Your truth. I also need to recognize what is currently unknown. My prayer for myself and for those of you who can relate is this verse:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.-Psalm 139:23-24

Know that you are incredibly loved and cared for. There is hope waiting for you to embrace His arms and cling to the promise only Christ can offer.

Processing Life...Overwhelming but Good!

So this post may be long BUT if you are in the same boat as me and are currently processing what the Lord may have planned for you, I strongly encourage you to read on and process some of these same questions. This past weekend I had an incredibly opportunity to attend a conference all about planning for the future...my "life options." This post is basically the start of what I will be processing for the next 35 years. That was obviously an exaggeration, I sure hope it won't take 35 years, but I do know that this process is going to be just that.....a process. I am so so so thankful that the Lord has given me the ability to have options to process and am more than excited to see God's glory revealed in my life. So here we go!

Any human has a primary calling to the salvation God gives freely and to the opportunity to be completely washed away and sanctified. As we see brokenness and evil in the world, we can easily see that not everyone decides to follow that calling. Some purposely rebel, some just don't care, but some haven't even heard how to live out this calling. As Christians who have decided to follow our primary calling as broken people, we are called to service. We are called to bring the hope that we have to those directly around us, those that cross our paths, and those who we will have to leave comfort zones to find. God has personally privileged us with the opportunity to have already found the one hope for our lives and He personally calls us to bring it to those who do not know and especially to those who have not even had an opportunity to hear. Can you imagine walking through life in a different country and not knowing Jesus because you have not even heard of His name? What makes us think that we have the right to not help in giving them the opportunity to hear of Jesus? I do believe that not everyone was created to pack up, jump on a plane, and go live in these places for the rest of their lives but I do believe that everyone can have even small amount of impact of bringing the gospel to these places. First question for myself: What am I going to do with hope and truth that I have been entrusted with? Well, I am going to live out the joy and love that God has placed in my heart and I am going to stand up for what Christ can do for broken souls. I have been blessed so many times in being able to share the good news with people who did not have understanding but through explanation, came to faith in Christ. Seeing in front of you a lost, broken soul turn from fleshly strength and pain to redeeming love and mercy is one of the best gifts God has given me. However, as far as how I am going to specifically continue to live this out in the future and how I am going to bring the gospel to broken people? That is obviously the big question I am trying to figure out. God has created me to be a daughter of His with certain gifts, abilities, skills, experiences, failures, weaknesses, and passions so that I can uniquely serve Him in this world and in the church. I have been created for God to use me for His glory and I want nothing more than to glorify Him the best that I can by using the things He has given me in the best area of ministry that I can.

Romans 12:1 says: I appeal to you therefor, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

I desire my life to be a continued sacrifice for the One who gave everything for me. How does my life fit into God's Will? God's Will is for everyone to have a chance to hear of the greatest Love that has ever come and the name of His Son who is the only One to save. How does the life that God has given me fit in with that? What does presenting my body and life as a sacrifice really look like? What are the things that I need to "give up?" What are the fears that go against God's character that I need to have greater faith in?

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

What are the areas in my life that I am not content in or would not be content in? Well, I am not content in being a freak to my family members now and I know that giving up "real world" jobs and doing full time ministry would create even more disappointment in my family members. Although my parents do not understand, they have been pretty supportive in my short term trips but I would struggle with being content in my dad's lack of encouraging words. I actually realized last night that one of my biggest fears in making decisions in life is not making my dad proud. Growing up, I didn't necessarily doubt that my dad was proud of me but he never verbalized it and did not physically support the activities that meant the most to me. My dad came to very few of my dance recitals over the 14 years of multiple recitals and he came to maybe 1 dance team competition when I was in junior high and high school. I obviously didn't feel completely supported. With my dad's lack of words that affirm chasing after the right dreams and passions, I definitely fear never hearing the words of "I'm proud of you" from my dad again. This is most likely an irrational fear but it is real and I need to recognize it and bring it to the Lord. Fears like this one are the things that make me incredibly weak in following God's true plan but it forces me to my knees and I have no choice but to have greater faith in Him. I can't change my dad's heart or the rest of my family's hearts and it forces me to rely on God's strength and control. 

Matthew 9:37 says: Then Jesus said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest."

There are SO many people waiting eagerly to hear of what the Lord has planned for their life but there are not enough people willing to be a laborer for the gospel. I already know that I want to give my life to ministry for the sake of these people. A heart breaking fact about Africa is that the number of people who have not even had ONE chance to hear about who Jesus is and the relationship that can be given is the same number of people who live in the entire United States. Over 300 million people just in Africa who have had not one chance yet to be given true hope. Not everyone is called to go to Africa long term but I have experienced African people who are so hungry for the knowledge of God. There are harvests all over the place. Who is willing to be a laborer in the harvests?

Revelation 1:3, 7 says: Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written in it, for the TIME IS NEAR. Behold, he is coming with the clouds, and every eye will see him, even those who pierced him, and all tribes of the earth will wail on account of him.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 says: For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.

Jesus IS coming back. God already tells us that and that time is drawing near. Our lives are just a dot on an eternal timeline. Jesus is going to come back with his armies soon. What do I want to be doing when Jesus comes back? What purpose do I want my life to have knowing that Jesus could come back in our generation's time period? Since 5th grade I have wanted to be a teacher. I am still pursuing an education degree. As I got further in the education program I thought about being a positive influence on my students' and if I could also coach, my athletes. I got excited about the opportunities to pour God's love onto broken teenagers knowing that they may not experience love and support in their homes and families. I do believe in workplace ministry and I know some great friends who are awesome at being able to relate to coworkers in ways that doors open all the time to share the gospel in outside settings. However, I need to look at the reality of sitting in a junior high or high school classroom that is focused on academics. I need to look at the reality of having different students every hour of the day who are there to learn academics. The reality of time in the workplace needs to be given serious thought. I want to use every opportunity to share the gospel but will I really be able to beyond just being loving and encouraging towards my students? I honestly would rather be using more time to bring the gospel to people around the world whether through me or through those I have the opportunity to minister to but if I am working a full time job in a classroom, I won't be able to use as much time compared to a full time job in ministry. Academics, health, and materials will fade and be demolished but the gospel will remain forever.

James 1:5 says: If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him.

Am I hesitating to go to God? Am I allowing God to give generously to my life by surrendering it all back to Him? I would like to think so. However, I am scared about the possibility of being a disappointment to my family. I am scared that the Lord won't provide if I end up in ministry where I would have to raise all my support. I hesitate to let go of my desires because what if God doesn't come through for me? What if I put control in His hands and miss out on opportunities because I cannot control the outcome? I know these are silly questions and the Lord will provide blessings for the desires that align with His Word and His will but I still confess fear and anxiety over family, finances, and the desire of a very future family. The way we can receive wisdom is through God alone through prayer and the Word of truth. We cannot expect to have a perspective of the will of God if we are not in the Word of God. When I do search the scriptures and pray to hear God's voice, the Lord does promise peace will eventually come. Most of the time this peace will not come until after taking a leap of faith but we still are able to feel peace and experience the emotion. However, we need to also discern if this peace is God's voice aligning with scripture or peace coming from our own inner desires? 

Proverbs 12:15 says: The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.

Although we need to first listen to the Word of God, we can seek advice from those who know our hearts most. God has blessed us with brothers and sisters that have taken the time to get to know us. Some may have more insight into our strengths and weaknesses than we can see ourselves. Others can see what passions excite us most and create spark in our eyes. Advice from those around us who we trust to know us well can be a great help in deciding where the future may be headed. Others have told me gifts and abilities they have seen in me that I did not recognize for myself and they have helped me grow incredibly because of it.

2 Timothy 1:7 says: For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

1 Corinthians 2:14-16 says: The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment: "For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?" But we have the mind of Christ.

When we choose to follow Christ, we are blessed with His Spirit inside of us that is a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. We also are blessed with the mind of Christ. A mind that is trustworthy and sound. We are blessed with the mind that is able to discern life when we allow the mind of Christ to work for us. When we are comparing our thoughts to the Word we can trust to use our minds. So here are some specific questions that I am considering as I continue to process where the Lord is leading me in the future!

What are my spiritual and natural gifts? According to a couple spiritual gifts tests/inventories my top 5 spiritual gifts are: Encouragement, Hospitality/Service, Evangelism, Faith, and Leadership. According to the Strengths Finder test that I have taken my top 5 strengths are Developer, Strategic, Empathy, Discipline, and Positivity. Some natural gifts include music, writing, dancing, communicating to others, having compassion towards others, baking, cooking, teaching others concepts in a way they understand, applying life skills, etc. (More to think through.) 

What are my strengths and weaknesses? I encourage people often, I help others in times of need even when I am busy, I have a heart for other peoples' growth, I love to help people, I communicate well in times of conflict, I enjoy solving problems, I can see the big picture in things and all the small details at the same time....more strengths could be listed. My weaknesses mostly start with insecurity. I am insecure that I am good enough and liked enough to let others see past some walls. I am intimidated by others who are strong in the Lord and are heavily blessed because I don't feel as though I measure up. I keep to myself sometimes and am not super outgoing when meeting new people. I sometimes struggle with change in life. I am a sucker for comfort. 

What has my academic and spiritual training prepared me for? Having an education major has taught me how to relate to youth and how to inspire them to live life beyond their potential. My academic major has given me an incredible amount of experience working with youth and being able to pour into them even if it is through teaching them academically. Jobs that I have gone after and volunteering opportunities I have signed up for were always to put on my teaching resume but I look back now and see how much experience they have given me for relating to youth and young adults. My spiritual training has been incredible. My campus ministry has equipped me on how to share my own personal testimony, how to relay the gospel in ways that can be understood, how to grow in my own walk with Christ, and how to mentor others. My ministry within the youth group at my church has equipped me with training of how to apply the knowledge God has given me in the youth setting and how to teach the knowledge to youth. I can definitely see working in a ministry for youth and/or young adults. 

Questions where answers will be posted in another post but also important to look at:

How has the Lord used me in the past? Past effectiveness?

How might my personality type figure into my work?

What am I burdened over most? What people group's brokenness breaks me heart?

How do I see the pain and brokenness of the world?

Where is God at work in some special way at this time? A unique opening for the Gospel?

What opportunities could I be a part of where my gifts could be used most?

What do I already have a vision for?

In what way do I long to see God glorified more?

What do I enjoy and find motivating?

When serving others, what gives me the greatest joy?

What am I passionate about?

What do I want to do more than anything else in the world?

Obviously there is a lot to this post and you probably feel like I threw up on you because that is how I felt when I was given most of this information this past weekend. God has given us experiences, passions, hardship, gifts, and burdens for a reason. God has given us emotional experiences over certain things to possibly help us in discerning what breaks our hearts the most for furthering His kingdom. We are only placed on this earth for a flash of time along side of broken people who have no hope after this life. I encourage you to listen to God's voice, the advice of those who know your heart, and your own hearts' desires that are aligned with God's heart. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. -Matthew 6:33

May God continue to bless you as you seek after Him and His purpose.  

Set Us Free!

I found this poem that I had written my sophomore year of college and wanted to share it with you all! Enjoy!

Set Us Free

Life is like a constant storm,
Sometimes calm but sometimes fierce.
But we've only got one life to live,
And there is One who always pulls us out.

No matter how far you've set sail,
No matter how deep in the water you are,
He is there to rescue you.
The Savior we need for these storms of ours,
We are drowning, Lord, please set us free.

Drowning in fear, hurt, and frustration,
There is the kind of hope you've been searching.
You are not alone and someone understands,
His name is Jesus and He's reaching out to you.

No matter how far you've set sail,
No matter how deep in the water you are,
He is there to rescue you.
The Savior we need for these storms of ours,
We are drowning, Lord, please set us free.

These different storms will come and pass,
Most times more than once in a life.
But the Lord never changes and never leaves,
His heart cries for you to learn His love.

No matter how far you've set sail,
No matter how deep in the water you are,
He is always here to rescue us.
A Savior who calms all of these storms,
We may still hurt, but Jesus, you've set us free.

Who Am I?

I am a child of God. -John 1:12

I am chosen and appointed by Jesus to bear His fruit. -John 15:16

I am privileged to be a personal witness of Christ. -Acts 1:8

I am blessed to be joined in Christ to share His inheritance. -Romans 8:17

I am a member of Christ's body. -1 Corinthians 12:27

I am completely made new. -2 Corinthians 5:17

I have been justified. -Romans 5:1

I am God's workmanship and have the privilege of doing the work God has planned. -Ephesians 2:10

I am made righteous and holy. -Ephesians 4:24

I am assured that all things word together for my good. -Romans 8:28

I am confident that God will perfect the work He has started in me. -Philippians 1:6

I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. -2 Timothy 1:7

I am forgiven. -Colossians 1:14

I am secure. -Ephesians 2:20

I am part of a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession to proclaim His excellencies. -1 Peter 2:9,10

I am a threat to the enemy. -1 Peter 5:8

I am beautiful and the King is enthralled by my beauty. -Psalm 45:11

Because of these things:

I will rely on God's strength to not conform to this world any longer. -Romans 12:2

I will trust the Lord to continue to refine my heart because He looks at the heart. -1 Samuel 16:7

I will not let my beauty come from outward appearance and reveal my heart to be beautiful. -1 Peter 3:4-5

I will be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. -1 Corinthians 7:34

I will work with eager hands to do God's will. -Proverbs 31:13

I will open my arms and help the poor and needy. -Proverbs 31:20

I will use the gifts that God has given me in the way He has privileged me to. -1 Peter 4:10

I will use God's strength to be humble, gentle, patient, and loving towards others. -Ephesians 4:2

I will forgive others. -Ephesians 4:32

I will be a light to others wherever I am. -Ephesians 5:8

I will give thanks for God for everything I am given, including hardship and persecution. -Ephesians 5:20

I will believe the love that God has for me. -Colossians 3:12

I will persevere the good times, hard times, confusing times and everything in between. -Philippians 3:14

I will love others above myself. -Romans 12:10

Above all else, I will love my God and seek after His Kingdom first. -Matthew 6:33

Lord, may these truths dwell in my heart and reign forever in my soul. Let the armor You bless me with fight off the lies that conflict with these truths. I am surrendered to Your perfection and way of life. Give me more faith to walk in Your truth alone. Amen =)

Emotional Health

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. -Ephesians 4:22-24

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. -Jeremiah 31:3

He began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.'" -Matthew 26:37-38

He looked around them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, 'Stretch out your hand.'" -Mark 3:5

"I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God." -Exodus 20:5

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. -Genesis 1:27

At first glance, these scriptures look very random but they have a great purpose around one theme that I am processing through. Emotions. Feelings. Growing up, I was told many times that being emotional was not acceptable. I had best friends that made fun of me for crying so easily so I literally made myself stop and I would not allow myself to cry at all. I shoved emotions away and did not allow myself to fully grieve situations that I was meant to grieve out of thinking that crying over something was dumb. Being sad is just one of many emotions but just like sadness, any emotion but happiness seemed to go against the world's normal state of emotion. Just like most of the people around me, I was taught that any emotion but happiness was bad. I also think about my Christian walk and where emotions and feelings play into having a relationship with God. I remember so many times being told that feelings are unreliable and I could not trust just a feeling in my heart or gut. I know many other Christians are taught this similar view that feelings are not steady and because of that, should not be looked into very deeply. I am actually reading 'Emotionally Healthy Spirituality' right now in discipleship and this book is where this post is coming from. The author of this book says, "when we deny our pain, losses, and feelings year after year, we become less and less human. We transform slowly into empty shells with smiley faces painted on them." Having feelings and emotions placed within us is biblical and when we fail to recognize this truth, our lives are damaged and we are kept from freedom. Ephesians 2:22-24 talks about putting off our old self and putting on the new self that was created in God. How are we supposed to know what to put off if we do not know our old selves? How do we know our old selves if we do not allow ourselves to recognize feelings and emotions that have scarred us for far too long? How am I supposed to be able to live in the freedom that Christ gives me if I have not worked through emotions and feelings? Some of the verses at the top show us that God Himself feels emotion. God feels sadness, jealousy, anger, love, compassion, delight, pain, sorrow, trouble, joy, distress, and every single emotion out there. Genesis 1:27 tells us that we are created in God's image. I am a creation of the God that feels every emotion under the sun and there is nothing wrong and bad about God. Every aspect of His is completely perfect. Why then do I shove emotion back down and pretend as if it is not there out of shame that it is wrong to feel? 

There is another problem. A lot of the time I don't even know what my emotions are and am unable to respond thoughtfully to my feelings because of it. However, God has designed us with bodies to respond physically to our feelings and others around us. If we allow ourselves to feel and recognize that God has placed feelings and emotions in us for a purpose, we can actually allow God to speak to us through a knot in our stomachs, muscle tension, trembling and shaking, headaches, or a suddenly elevated heart rate. Some of these things still seem silly to rely on but sometimes our bodies know our feelings before our minds even do. I definitely do not look at these things as God speaking to me a lot of the time because I was taught not to. I think about people talking about knowing what love is and when they love someone by having a knot in their stomach, shortness of breath, and racing heart from nervousness and how most people think they are crazy for relying on physical feelings to discern love. What if it isn't crazy? What is God really does use these feelings to speak to us? The more I see how past feelings and emotions have actually fit right in with God's plan in the end, the more I see that God doesn't want us to separate emotions from our processing and discernment of what God is trying to tell us. I am obviously not saying that we should fully rely on feelings. However, if we seek His truth and our emotions and feelings are biblical then why should we disregard them so quickly? 

One of our greatest obstacles in knowing God is our own lack of self-knowledge. I find myself bringing pain and sorrow to God because I believe that He is the ultimate comforter and is the only One who can truly understand the pain. However, when it comes to more difficult emotions like anger, I tend to convince myself that I should not be feeling anger because it does not bring love into the situation. I still have to continually remind myself that there is righteous anger and biblical reasons for any emotion. Without knowing God's truth along with knowing our true emotions, we cannot grow in Christ. I desire to let God bring my emotional state back to where He created it to be. I trust that the Lord has placed emotions in my heart and body to speak to me in numerous ways. As I reflect on the value of recognizing and even relying somewhat on feelings, I processed a few questions.

What do I love(things that are good and not as good to love)?
-Feeling acknowledged, feeling special, being affirmed, knowing direction, having a plan, being trusted, encouraging others, being encouraged through words both verbal and written, women that are willing to be vulnerable with me and challenge me to be vulnerable with them, being an influence, having someone take the time to know how to pray for me, dancing, singing, playing music through instruments, being outside, being able to see God's beauty in the simplest things.....the list could go on and on so I'll stop there.

What am I angry about?
-My selfishness in not always abandoning myself for the sake of the gospel, my sister's selfishness, my dad not taking care of his health and not knowing if he'll be around for much longer, my shyness and that it is misunderstood, my insecurity that is almost mistaken by people as not caring for them, distractions that keep my mind in the world and not being in constant surrender to Christ

What am I afraid of (Some may or may not seem silly but they need to be recognized)?
-Being the single the rest of my life, losing my dad too quickly, not seeing my family members in Heaven after this life, not having others see my true full heart because of insecurity and shyness, not being able to have a great relationship with my sister, not allowing God to use me in the ways that He wants to

What am I enjoying?
-Brokenness that is allowing God to refine the woman of God He wants me to be, new friendships, living in a Christian community for the first time with awesome roommates, seeing the Lord use me in the ministries He has blessed me with, more time in my schedule to sit still before Him, having more time to practice music and dance, God's faithfulness

What am I sad about?
-The lack of intentionality between all my family members, my own lack of intentionality towards others, my sister's life choices, my family's hard hearts towards the grace of God, seeing how my past actions have hurt others, passivity in myself and others towards me, my dad's health, the possible future that Hailey may have because of my sister's selfishness, not knowing the future, admitting that as little as it may be there is doubt about the future, seeing broken lives right in front of me that refuse to accept the only One who gives true hope, the world in general

These emotions have purpose and I believe that God is teaching me to not automatically disregard any feeling because He very well could be using it for His good.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

Being Content

Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.

-1 Timothy 6:6-8

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

-Philippians 4:11-13

Today the Lord really convicted me about my lack of contentment. I want to desperately be continually wooed by my Prince and actually allow Him to sweep me off my feet. Sometimes when I take time to enjoy dancing by myself in a quiet studio, one of my favorite things to do is imagine what actually dancing with Jesus would be like. I dance for him but I also want to dance with him. (You can think I am weird for pretending to dance with Jesus if you want to ha.) Although this is the greatest desire of my heart, my heart gets deceived and life around me gets distracting. I so easily forget about just resting in who Christ is and more importantly, who I am in Christ. I am a precious daughter who has been blessed with grace that I do not deserve. I am a warrior for Christ who is called to only one purpose and mission on this earth and I am to use the time and resources God has given me wisely. There is purpose for every thing, person, and opportunity that has come into my life. I fail to recognize the purpose in the things around me quite a bit because I am so caught up in hurrying through things to get to the next stage of life. 

I have been in prayer a lot about my future and I am 99% sure about going into full time ministry. This is great and I am incredibly thankful for the beginning of the Lord's direction but I realized that I have been wishing time away like crazy. College years are supposed to be some of the greatest of this life and they have been. I have seen the Lord do AMAZING things through my obedience in Him and I am so incredibly blessed. I am now in my super senior year and instead of making the best of my last full year, I wake up almost everyday wishing that I could just graduate and be done. I have no doubt that this just slaps God back in the face and shows Him lack of thankfulness for where I am at this current moment. I don't want to be like a 5 year old who is not grateful for the opportunities they are given.....but I have definitely been acting like one. I keep thinking about the future and my expectations about the future of how great it will be once I finish school. In my mind, life is finally start in a sense of being broken from the chains of homework and projects. I know this is a huge lie because life is going on right now. The Lord gives me opportunity everyday to live life with the purpose He really has for me: to spread the truth about Him and the love He has for us. I get really excited about doing full time ministry because I see it as a permanent opportunity to share God's love everyday and dig deep into God's Word. What is the difference between then and now? Absolutely nothing but time. My heart should be just as deeply rooted in God's Word and the urgency of the gospel. I keep trying to hurry through this stage of life because I am blinded and unable to see that this stage of life is just as crucial and just as satisfying as the next when I am deeply rooted in Christ. I am not truly experiencing the contentment that God wants me to because I do not take life day by day most of the time. I want to plan ahead and know what is going on. I enjoy everyday but I have been lacking true contentment of each day and what the Lord has given me through these days.

Psalm 84:11(NASB) says, "The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly." God loves me, and you, too much to withhold good from us when we diligently walk in His light and on His path.  If the Lord has not given me desires on my timeline, I struggle with being content with God's timing. I have been able to give up control to the Lord in a lot of areas in my life that I would not have given up in the past. However, the Lord is still working on taking away my control in other areas. The promise of Psalm 84:11 reminds me that God has purpose in every thing that happens in our lives and that as long as I am striving after Him and developing a greater relationship with Him over time, He will not withhold good from me. In fact, God gives me way more good than I ever recognize and I trust the Lord will continue to break distractions in my life. I am guilty of hurrying through life way too much and wishing that time would just fast forward 5 years. In reality, I only wish life would fast forward 5 years because that is when I think I will finally be settled into a job, house, possible family, and have things figured out. I know this is actually not reality. God's plan could be far from this idea of mine that comes from the norm of society. I want my prayer for God to break my expectation of the future and trust in Him only. I want to enjoy the here and now and use every opportunity that is placed in front of me. I need God's grace just as much as the people I pass on campus each day that I do not take time to talk to even though I have time. I miss opportunities for the gospel because I hurry through the day just waiting for it to be over. I want my life to be nothing but true of Acts 20:24. "But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."

God, Why?

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. -Ephesians 3:14-19

The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. -Psalm 145:18-19

I feel like the past few days I have been really wrestling with the question, 'why?' I have continually been praying for more faith from the Lord because I know that I have doubts about God's plan for my life right now when there are so many options and barely any direction. There are plenty of things about the things God has placed in my life that are a complete mystery. The biggest question as of late has been, 'God why do you have me completely lost when it comes to after graduation?' I obviously know the answer to that question. The Lord is trying to teach me patience....just like every other day of my life.... but more importantly, He is continually teaching me about my trust issues and how much control I like to have over about getting things figured out and planned. I feel as though this is God's humor in answering my prayer of giving me bigger faith in Him and what He wants to reveal in my life. But seriously, why does this have to be so painful? I have definitely been feeling convicted of how much I am dwelling on the future and wanting to just figure things out so that I can know what to expect even in the littlest way. I have to continually remind myself that this is not how God works and that I am creating this pain by not fully surrendering to Him. With this being said, it has also been a struggle because God also still calls us to not just sit and be stagnant. He puts desires on our hearts that we have to continually surrender back to Him and He delights in us continually asking for our desires but He also calls us to take leaps of faith and trust in Him through that as well. Confused? Yea, me too. It is hard to find the balance of when to just sit and wait and when to take leaps of faith. Please correct me if I am wrong but I think most of the time God is calling us to take leaps of faith and just go in a direction trusting that He will close the door if that is not where we were supposed to end up. Speaking of which, I am very excited to announce that this summer I am trusting the Lord to use me through an organization called YouthWorks. It is a mission organization for junior high and high school students. I am SO excited to be involved in this ministry this coming summer. My official role that I am hired as is Program Coordinator. I will be doing a lot of the planning for the evening meeting time including giving the main talks throughout the week. I am so excited to be able to grow in the Lord just through preparing these talks on God's Word and through the Spirit speaking His truth through me. Through this opportunity, I am also praying that the Lord will use it to show me if He is wanting to close the door on the possibility of going into youth ministry after graduation in some aspect or continue down this desired path. My heart has been really set on doing ministry and I feel more and more called to ministry within the church through pouring into youth and women. I will not lie, waiting on the Lord to give me direction in this particular area has been hard but there has been another area of mystery that has been incredibly painful the last few days.

If you have read my blog posts before, you have probably read about my family situation. I wouldn't say that my family life is horrible, but I will say that it is broken and incredibly distant. I was awakened again to the lack of intentionality among my family members there is when I was driving to my grandmother's house across town to pick up a coat for my halloween costume. I actually got lost on the way. Getting lost quickly reminded me of the fact that I hadn't been to grandma's house in probably 2 years. After I left her house, I felt like a horrible granddaughter, a horrible daughter since I never go to my parents' house either, and a horrible Chase/Lodzinski family member in general. Most of all though, I felt so hurt. "God, why do I not have support from the family you have given me?" This was the biggest question that popped into my head while tears ran down my face. I don't understand. Family is such a skewed word for me because I have always considered friends more like family than my actual family members. As I have processed this pain a little bit the past 2 days, I keep realizing how much my past truly does impact my present. I struggle SO much in wanting to control planning and what I am going to do and I can be very good at just doing it myself. I have become way better at asking for help and not depending on myself but I still have so much to learn. I made a connection that I struggle so much with self-sufficiency because I grew up needing to be self-sufficient. Because of having incredibly distant family, I didn't experience deep emotional level love. I know my parents love me and I recognize that they showed me deep love through giving me opportunities in gaining experience in anything and everything but I also recognize that there was still a huge void. I just want to be hugged and actually be told that I am loved by them. I fear the words, "I love you," because I don't know how to react most of the time. God, I don't understand why there are so many walls built up in one single home. I obviously have known my parents my whole life but yet I know more about a friend I have had for 5 years than I do my parents. This is continually an incredibly painful area that God is trying to refine and I truly need to trust the Lord is near as I literally cry out to Him. This post probably has many disconnects in thought process. I need so desperately to be filled with the fullness of God and be rooted in His love alone as stated in Ephesians 3. The Lord is allowing me to grieve this painful area in my life and I am trusting that the Lord will reveal His mercy and grace continually through this.

Needy? Desperate?

He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters. He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me. The LORD dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he rewards me. For I have kept the ways of the LORD, and have not wickedly departed from my God. For all his rules were before me, and his statutes I did not put away from me. I was blameless before him, and I kept myself from my guilt. So the LORD has rewards me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight. With the merciful you show yourself merciful; with the blameless man you show yourself blameless; with the purified you show yourself pure; and with the crooked you make yourself seem tortuous. For you save a humble people, but the haughty eyes you bring down. For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God--his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. -Psalm 18:16-30


If I were to be called 'needy' or 'desperate' I am sure that my initial reaction would not be filled with immediate joy. When we look through the eyes of society, no one wants to be called needy, especially within any relationship. However, we are to live completely apart from the worldly view. I just got back today from our Fall Retreat with CRU. It was definitely needed to get away into God's beautiful creation of nature and soak up community and His Word. The Lord has been teaching me a lot lately about how much I do for Him but I sometimes fail at just being with Him. What does just being with God really look like? Where should my heart be in meeting with God? We have the opportunity to meet with the all-powerful, merciful, loving, compassionate, life-giving Creator. This Majesty is worthy to be praised. If i think about a King, I think about the utmost honor given. I picture honor being given by people kneeling before Him. We need to be kneeling before our Father, the most royal King we will ever find. What emotions come with kneeling before anyone? Obviously, an emotion of humbleness comes as we put ourselves below whoever we kneel before and we are giving up our pride to do so. Pride comes in many different forms but it comes down to trusting in our own independency instead of admitting that we will never have the perfect answer or the perfect plan. So what does this have to do with being needy and desperate?


Psalm 18 above is written by David who brings out some pretty heavy truth in this passage. There are strong enemies that are too mighty to be rescued from by anyone but God. (Verse 16-17) The Lord deals with people according to their righteousness and reward those with clean hands. (Verse 20) We can be blameless and righteous before God when we keep his rules and statutes, when we keep His ways and when we do not wickedly depart from God. (Verse 21-22) God shows Himself merciful to those who are merciful, he shows Himself blameless with the blameless man, and He shows Himself pure with the purified. (Verse 25-26) God saves the humble people but brings down the arrogant (haughty). God's way is perfect, the Word of the Lord is true, and God is a shield for those who refuge in Him. (Verse 30) Look at all these truths. In my own flesh, have I kept His rules and His ways? No. Do I have clean hands? No. Have I been completely merciful, blameless, and pure? No. We are human and have a nature of sin. David wrote these words but they are not true of him. Notice in verse 25, the Word reads, 'with THE blameless man you show yourself blameless.' Jesus is the blameless man. Jesus is also the merciful one and the purified one referred to in this passage. Jesus is the only one who has kept God's ways and did not depart from God even in the toughest temptations. Jesus is the ultimate example humility and the role model to follow in what taking refuge in God really looks like. So what does this mean for me? It means that we all need to be needy. We need to be desperate. We cannot be rewarded nor become blameless with Jesus. We cannot conquer strong enemies and sin without literally clinging to the cross. We ARE desperate for a shield that will help us be guarded from this world. We cannot live this life in these temptations on our own. We will fail and we will fail miserably if our flesh comes before humility and laying ourselves before the throne of God. We need to literally cling to the hope that has come through the cross. Jesus died on the cross to make us clean and whole so that we may even have the opportunity presented before us to come face to face with our Creator. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life and we will not be able to come face to face with God the Father unless we form a deep, passionate, intimate relationship with Jesus. We need and are desperate for Christ. We have no other hope but in Christ. I am needy because I need God's truth to battle the enemy and his lies every single day of life. I am desperate for the peace and comfort that only comes from the One who paid it all. I am desperate to be humbled by the Great I Am so that I may be fully covered by the grace that God alone can give. I am needy because on my own I am completely empty handed with nothing good to give before God in my own flesh. But God's hands are not empty. They bring life to those who are willing to take His hands and swallow the pride that prevents them from proclaiming their desperate need for something greater and beyond this earth. I cannot be sanctified on my own and I cannot live in this world alone. I am needy.