Comfort

When I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 
-Psalm 23:4

As I sat in church this morning, I thought about where God has taken me the past few months. There have been great times of celebration and hope, but also times of hardship and confusion. I couldn't help to be thankful for the continued protection that God has given me for my heart and the comfort He has poured into the hard situations. However, I realized a pattern that I have chosen to be stuck in. I haven't allowed God to comfort me even when He was constantly trying to shower me with grace, mercy, and showing me that His plan is better. I fall into self-sufficiency a lot and it is not hard for me to rely on myself. I rely on myself for success, good relationships, financial stability, sanity, and happiness. I tend to take things into my own hands to mend anything that is not going the way I want it to and choose to walk through sad and disappointing times on my own strength thinking that I can comfort myself and in the end, become stronger because of me.  Thinking of comfort in terms of contentment, I have mostly chose to stay where I am comfortable the past few months. I haven't necessarily taken any big leaps of faith, trusted God for big things, or truly put deeper faith into God controlling my life. What good has this done me? Nothing. It hasn't strengthened my relationship with the Lord but instead, created distance. It has not strengthened any relationships with my friends who continually try to point me to the Lord but instead, more distance. It also has not helped with stress as I try to juggle being at school all day trying to finish my college degree, coaching a junior high dance team, judging competitions on the weekends, working a restaurant job, serving in youth ministries, keeping friendships, building new relationships, growing in my personal relationship with the Lord, working on fitness and a healthier lifestyle, and having enough time to myself to stay sane. I still continue to rely on my own comfort and sometimes I don't even know how to let go.

I was quickly reminded this morning during my pastor's message about how our lives really look in the big picture of life. He gave the analogy that if our lives were a book that had 25 chapters, what chapter would we currently be in? Every single one of us would be in the first paragraph of the first chapter, whether we know Jesus or not. Every single one of us will either have eternal life or death. The first paragraph of our life book could read one of two ways. First, our opening paragraph could read, "This story is about __________ who lived in the ____century, when time was recorded. They spent many of their days walking through joys and hardships as God continually called to them to follow a life He had already set before them. A life of grace, mercy, hope, redemption, love, peace, and joy. As God continued to fight for their heart, they eventually surrendered the to call of following God for an eternal experience of life. For eternity after making the choice to trust in Jesus for freedom from sin, he or she will forever live in light." Our other option for the opening paragraph of our personal book on life could read, ""This story is about __________ who lived in the ____century, when time was recorded. They spent many of their days walking through joys and hardships as God continually called to them to follow a life He had already set before them. A life of grace, mercy, hope, redemption, love, peace, and joy. As God continued to fight for their heart, they chose to continually say no to God's plan and yes to their own. They continued to choose to live in death, never accepting the freedom and redemption of sin from their life and took the punishment of death for themselves. For eternity, they will forever live in darkness."

Each time I choose to live in my own comfort and rely on myself for comfort, I am choosing to say no to God. I am choosing to go down a path of living in darkness. I am choosing to not truly, deeply surrender to the light in the end. In the big picture of what God has for me, I am choosing to focus on one paragraph of the story that could affect the life I experience the whole rest of the book. I don't want to choose darkness and I don't want to be stuck in the contentment of being comfortable. I want to fight for love, God's love in my own life and in others.

It is so easy to find comfort in what is immediately around me instead of the comfort that God wants for me. Is it really worth it for me to make a choice of what I want for right now, a single letter of a single word in one sentence in the very first paragraph, and have it affect the other 24 chapters of my life? It would be ridiculous to say yes, but it is so easy to do so.

God has promised me over and over again, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 
-2 Corinthians 5:17 

God continues to choose me. He continues to fight for me. He PROMISES us a better life of light for the rest of our lives, even when we don't experience the light right now. 

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, the old order of things has passed away." 
-Revelation 21:4

Who will you choose for comfort and strength?

Now may your Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope, comfort you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say. -2 Thessalonians 2:16-17


As I think about how good God has been to me, I want to thank every person who has taken a chance on me to point me back to God no matter where I was in life. Everytime I chose to follow my wants, my plans, and not listen to what was best for me, I am so thankful that I had people who still showed grace, mercy, and love towards me despite my flaws and mistakes. Thank you for loving me and continually giving me second chances.

Second Chances

I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us--whatever we ask--we know that we have what we have asked of him. 
-1 John 5:13-15

I spent a few hours last night purging my room at home and more so my life. I threw away multiple garbage bags of paper and plastic that are tied with memories from the past. As I was chucking items into black bags to never be seen again, there were plenty of moments that I hesitated and thought of too many reasons why I should hang on to them. I quickly convinced myself that hanging onto an item just to be able to remember the memory attached to it was foolish if I still remember the memories that truly matter. So after hours of trekking down memory lane, I parted with many personal items in order to prepare for a new stage of life coming up in a few months. Why am I blogging about this? I realized through the build up of the past, there has been an incredible theme to the past few years. A second chance. Well, more like a thousandth chance. 

Whenever I sit down and reflect on the story God has blessed me with, I still have a hard time comprehending that God chose and continues to choose me to give second chances to and be able to experience a truly fulfilling life. The odds that society would have given me to find the love of Christ were never in my favor growing up. I never went to church, ever. God was never talked about in my family. Sure, I heard a couple of my friends mention that they went to CCD in junior high but I never knew what that actually meant. My friends and I were always too focused on popularity, good grades, and our latest wardrobe purchase to even wonder if I was really missing out on anything. How did someone like me be blessed enough to have a chance to hear how much God loved me in the first place? Obviously, God had a bigger plan for me than I ever had for myself. A second chance. It never mattered the background and culture that I was born into and it still will never matter what past I have or what trouble I may end up in. God continually fights for my heart and freely gives second chances.

With focusing on Thanksgiving the past few days and what I truly am thankful for, I am thankful for second chances. I have a God who wants to give me confidence in being a beautiful daughter of the King who is precious and worth infinitely more than I could ever imagine. I have amazing friends who continually love me and forgive my flaws, friends who shower me with second chances when I allow my selfishness and pride to take over. I have been blessed with acquaintances and strangers in my life who have shown me respect and grace when I never deserved it just because of second chances. I have a family who continues to give me support with whatever crazy decision I am wrestling with at the time whether it is changing colleges for a third time, going to a third world country, or living a life for Jesus that they do not understand and consider a little freakish. I am continually given second chances by so many people each day and I would be lying if I said I didn't take them for granted. 

So, as God promises to hear our requests, I am asking for yet another second chance. I want to continue living in love. Loving others despite their flaws, I also have many. Loving strangers through the battle of life, it's not always easy. Loving family despite the distance even in one home, time is too short not to. Loving those who have disappointed or hurt me, I disappoint and hurt others as well. Most importantly, loving God and fighting for faith in living to please God instead of men will be more rewarding than anything ever in this life. I pray for second chances and that they will be focused on serving the Lord instead of myself so that there will continually be more light than darkness in this world.

God is light--in Him there is no darkness at all....But if we walk in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. -1 John 1:5,7

One of my favorite songs right now is 'Redeemed' by Big Daddy Weave because it continually reminds me who we truly are in Christ. I encourage you to take the time to reflect on the lyrics and the redemption and second chance that God is wanting to bless you with. All you have to do is be willing to allow God to redeem you. Click on the link below =)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSyLqbP8Z4I 

Courage, Humility, Vulnerability

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
-Romans 5:8

Say what?

"You're so intimidating. I was kind of afraid to talk to you."
"I guess I always thought you had it all together and I actually envied you for it."
"I didn't know that you actually struggled with that."
"You seem so perfect."

I am writing this blog because these quotes have been exact words that people have said to me just in the past month. They have been ringing so loudly in my head because it is apparent my TRUE heart is not shown. When I hear people tell me about how much I intimidate them or that they think I have life figured out and everything is perfect, my heart just hurts. I don't want people to be intimidated by me but rather, be overwhelmed by compassion of a powerful God. I don't want people to look at me as perfect but rather, completely imperfect and just as desperate for a Savior as the next person. I don't want people to think I have it all together, figured out, and walking through life with full confidence in a perfect plan but rather, have people see my true heart that hurts because I don't have it all together and be willing to try to understand the compassionate, tender heart that I have been blessed with.

For those of you who know my testimony, growing up in elementary school and junior high came with a lot of verbal abuse that constantly told me that I was worthless and I would never be good enough for anyone. I learned to seek out perfection in outward appearance to fool those around me into thinking that I did have everything together and figured out. I literally trained myself to try to conquer being perfect, especially in high school. I obviously failed in many aspects but it's always been a struggle to desire perfection for myself. But I will never be perfect but only have the perfection that Christ gives to my life. I want people to see my imperfections so they can see the radiating love that only Christ can give. The love that allowed Christ to die for us even when we are still caught in our sins. The fear of rejection is a major struggle that goes hand-in-hand with the strive for perfection because there is minimal rejection for those who have minimal flaws.....in society, anyways.

As I have been processing so many things lately, I have realized that the more I seek perfection and let power be held in my fear of rejection the less others truly know about me. It takes crazy courage, humility, and vulnerability to just spill your heart to those around you and let others see where you stumble and what questions you don't really have the answers to. This blog is my crazy courage, humility, and vulnerability because I want people to see past my image, see past my actions, and look into my heart. It is more fragile than I ever care to admit and it hurts more often than I let show. Allowing myself to actually feel and process so many emotions is something that I am learning to relearn after years of being made fun of for crying and being hurt easily. My heart breaks for those who can relate to this strive for perfection that also comes with emotional breakdown behind closed doors because I have walked through it often, even recently. My heart breaks for those who struggle with body image and disordered eating. I still struggle with finding worth in image every single day. I would be lying if I said that I have been able to fully walk away from that struggle. Even in the past couple weeks the mindset of disordered eating has come in and out. My heart breaks for those who find identity in the next relationship they can put themselves into. I have always put such worth in relationships thinking that they would offer the worth I was seeking even when knowing that there is no complete worth and value in any human relationship. My heart breaks for those losing faith and struggling with doubt that God really does love them and want the best for them. There has been many times just in the past month that I have continually asked God 'why?' Doubting that God has my life under control when all I see is it spinning out of control, my heart just aches.

THESE are the things that I want people to see and relate to. My HEART is what I want others to care about and dive into. When this broken, sinful heart is searched, the walls that have been built up for so long will eventually crumble. I don't want to waste my time impressing people. I don't want to doubt in God's goodness. I don't want to hide behind image and walls because the fear of someone rejecting the pain and tenderness in my heart. I want my journey through life to be transparent and only God's doings be evident. I am learning that life is constantly changing. It's okay to not know, it's okay to live in the moment, it's okay not to have a plan, it's okay to show pain, it's okay to feel sadness, it's okay to not have it all together. God never promises us an easy journey but He does promise us grace and love. My heart is continually learning this.

The Choice to Rejoice

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.

-Jeremiah 17:7

Trust in him at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

-Psalm 62:8

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "Let God be exalted!"

-Psalm 70:4

But now, this is what the LORD says--he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

-Isaiah 43:1-3

SO ready to go home! Well, at least I thought I was ready to be back home in Wisconsin to get back to "normal life" is there is such a thing. Something felt weird and I definitely have not felt like life is "normal" and what I was used to when I left for an adventurous summer with YouthWorks out in West Virginia. As our last few days on the East coast were spent starting to debrief a crazy summer, I felt so confident that I just wanted to go home, I was so done with the crazy schedule and I certainly felt like I wasn't really going to miss anyone THAT much. I definitely had the mindset that I just want to go back to my own bed, my own friends, my own life that I was used to, my usual schedule, and be with people that have had many years getting to know who I am, what makes my heart beat, and what God has continually done in my life. Those last few days, I felt like an emotional basket case. My body was literally shutting down from such an exhausting summer and a traumatic last night in West Virginia left me even more exhausted with the desire to just crawl up in a ball, cry, and be home even more. This is definitely not my normal. I don't usually get super emotional, I'm usually a huge people person, and I certainly have never experienced the level of exhaustion that my body was at. Finally after a couple days, I was boarding the plane and heading home. I said goodbye to a couple amazing people at the airport and continued to convince myself how much I just wanted to leave the summer behind and be home to get back to my "real life." 

After spending a night with a friend before she moved to East Asia for an entire year, I realized that God changed way more of me than I thought. I have been an emotional wreck, and half of it is because I'm definitely not used to being this emotional about things. In the past week, I've cried way more than I have in the past year before the past week or so and I definitely catch myself thinking, "what is wrong with me? God what are You doing???" I thought I wanted to just be home, be back to what I'm used to but also wishing time away to fast forward to February so that I can move to the Twin Cities in MN and start a new stage of life, and I just want to feel normal! Life is not the normal that I thought it was going to be coming back home. A lot of friends have moved or are not back to school yet. I won't even be on campus anymore due to student teaching so the "normal" I had of school and classes on campus is no longer going to be there and I certainly won't be seeing the people that I'm so used to seeing with living at home and leaving the apartment I lived in. It's weird not coming back home to a job like I have the past 4 years, it's weird living with my parents who do not know the Lord again, it's weird that all my friends have moved onto the next stage of life in other cities, it's weird not being with my YouthWorks staff team that became family this summer in the community that we got so used to the past couple months, and it's weird that I've turned into a crazy introvert. Life.

God is definitely using all of these emotions to remind me that life here is not permanent, there will constantly be change no matter what, there will be heartbreak and disappointment, life will definitely not go the way that you expect it to but none of this means that God changes. God is still faithful. My pride and weak flesh get in the way of remembering that God is bigger than I ever imagine and His plan is perfect. So will I choose to rejoice?

Will I choose to rejoice in what God is doing when I have no clue what it is? Will I choose to trust that God has a lesson waiting for me in times of disappointment? Will I choose to be thankful for the blessings that God freely gives me even in the midst of confusion and change of plans? Will I make the choice to rejoice?

To be honest, I don't always choose to rejoice in what God is doing because I sometimes fail to believe that God has it all under control and that I just need to wait. Being patient has never been a strength of mine. God continually shows me how far He has yet to take me in trusting Him even when I can look back to see how far He has already brought me. God loves me so much. God has blessed me so much. I am working on choosing to rejoice in the future of what God has for me even when it's hard and emotional and confusing and painful. I will wait on the Lord. 

If His Grace is an Ocean, We're All Sinking

From the fullness of his grace we have received one blessing after another. -John 1:16

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest of me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace. -Ephesians 1:7

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. - Hebrews 4:16

Warning: this post will be jumbled thoughts that may or may not make sense.

The past couple weeks God has continually been showing me just how great His blessings have been in my life even when they do not always seem like blessings. I am so thankful to be here in West Virginia, even though I am ready to go home, finish student teaching, and already be moved to the Twin Cities. I have no doubt that God led me to YouthWorks to learn so much more about who He is in a different light of ministry atmosphere and sometimes feeling like I am re-learning things about faith all over again. One of the biggest things that I feel like God has been re-teaching me is about His grace. I have always been a goody-two-shoes rule follower who was very oriented with respect and what was right and wrong. This definitely pours into my relationship with God as I seek out deep truth and then get caught up in forgetting about God's grace when I make mistakes, don't choose the path that brings Him glory, and put myself first. 

Grace in all aspects is something that I need to continually learn about. I had a really great conversation with one of my best friends a couple weeks ago now and it fits so well with what I most need to learn. It is so easy for me to get frustrated and down about the sin in my life, even knowing that I am human, I fall short of following God's plan, I put myself first, and I sin everyday in various ways. I know in my head that sin is sin and it doesn't really matter what I am struggling with as far as degree in how bad it is compared to other sin because it is all the same in God's eyes. So often, I completely miss God's grace and fail to recognize how much grace God has poured into my life. I even need to learn how to shift my thinking when it comes to the times that I fail because they happen often just like anyone else. I need as much grace as anyone else. I need to give grace to others as much as I need grace myself. Sometimes I feel like we get so caught up in our flaws that God has known about for centuries that we forget to simply be still and thank Him for pouring so much grace in our lives that those failures and short-comings are completely covered and have been covered for thousands of years despite anything we do or do not do. I want to work on freely giving grace to others, not because they always deserve it, but because they are loved by the same God who pulled me out of complete darkness and who continues to bring me into His light each and everyday. I want to love selflessly and patiently because God knows how broken I am and how every person I meet is just as broken without God. I struggle with many sins each and every day but I want to recognize God's grace that has already covered that instead of staying in the mindset of how to fix my failures as if I have any part in bringing redemption to my life. Grace is so hard to comprehend but I am so incredibly blessed. I am blessed with friends who are just as broken as I am and just need love and care. I am blessed with a family who has not experienced the grace of God that I have and they need my patience to understand that they don't understand what God has done in my life. I am blessed by being surrounded by sinful people because I think we all can get so wrapped up in pointing out others flaws and our own that we completely miss how great God's grace and mercy on us really is. I know I do so much. 

We struggle, get frustrated, the enemy uses it to make us feel worthless of being loved, and then are blinded to see the beauty of the cross. It's a vicious cycle that I have drowned in before. We are not perfect and that is why we need a perfect God. I am definitely not perfect, I need grace everyday, especially from others. Know that you are loved, blessed, forgiven, and showered with God's grace and blessings.

You Won't Relent Until You Have It All!

Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. - Hebrews 12:3

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him. - Psalm 37:7

Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord. - Psalm 27:14

I wait for you, O Lord; You will answer, O Lord my God. - Psalm 38:15

Waiting. I would consider the life stage that I am in as waiting. At least waiting for God's plan to unravel of where He wants me going and what He is leading me to after student teaching this fall. Yesterday I spent two hours breaking down just a couple simple verses and I just want to share my thoughts and give an update on the end of what God is teaching me as I am here in West Virginia this summer!

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. -Philippians 4:4-6

I have read these verses many times but many things really hit me yesterday as I looked up many dictionary definitions to almost every word:

Rejoice - to feel joyful; be delighted; be in great pleasure.

Always - for all time; forever; at anytime; invariably.

Gentleness - considerate, tender, kind, noble, friendly.

Evident - obvious; easily seen and understood.

Near - with/in close relationship.

Anxious - uneasy, eager, worried, "earnestly desirous"

Petition - something requested; an entreaty(plea)

               Supplication - to ask for humbly.

Prayer - "a reverent petition" 

       Reverence - showing respect, profound awe, love

Thanksgiving - expression of gratitude

        Gratitude - state of being appreciative of benefits received

Present - to offer for observations, examination, or consideration; show or display

          Offer - to present as an act of worship; to put forward for consideration; propose

                       Propose - to make known as one's intention

Requests - something asked for

After looking up all these definitions, I decided to rewrite the verse:

Be joyful and delighted with great pleasure in the Lord for all time, at anytime, invariably. I will say it again, repeatedly, be joyful and delighted with great pleasure! Let your considerate tenderness, noble and friendly kindness be obvious and easily seen and understood to all - every creature! The Lord is in close relationship with you! Do not be uneasy, worried, eager, or earnestly desirous about anything, but in everything by showing respect, profound awe, and love to God through prayer and humbly requesting and pleaing, also with expression of gratitude and appreciation by recognizing value and significance of God, offer for consideration and make known your intentions of your requests to God! - Philippians 4:4-6 (rewritten)

I realize there are a LOT of run-on sentences but as I was digging deeper and deeper into what God was trying to teach me just through this process and reading just two verses, I realized how great my waiting period is right now and I need to examine my heart. Do I truly delight with great pleasure in the Lord at all times no matter what my circumstances are? Am I joyful on God's strength at all times? Did I just get told again to be delighted and joyful??? Yep, definitely just did. Then I asked myself, when I am delighting in the Lord and bringing requests before Him, do I continually live with consideration for others showing them tender, noble, and friendly kindness no matter what? If God is speaking to my heart in wanting His love to be so clearly presented to others through being considerate and tender myself, how am I really doing in that? The Lord loves me so much and privileges me with being in relationship with Him, why am I worrying? Why am I so eager to know God's plan for my life and so uneasy about trusting in His perfect plan? When I am praying and asking God for the desires of my heart, am I humbling myself and expressing thanks and appreciation even if God's answer may be 'no?' Hmm.... profound awe? Do I really realize that I get to bring requests of my heart before a big and mighty God? 

I can honestly say that God has had me in awe, especially the past two weeks. I am so blessed beyond what I could have imagined God blessing me with this summer between amazing students, amazing adults, amazing volunteer partnerships, and just amazing beauty of the community of Beckley, West Virginia. I took this summer ministry job as part of my waiting stage, to use the time I have in between school years to continue sharing what God is doing in my life and using me to glorify His kingdom. I still don't know what exactly I am doing after graduation, I mean I have a strong idea but it is still a temporary idea. I am very excited and anxious to have the months fly by to February when I am done with student teaching, done with dance team season, and am able to move to the Twin Cities area in Minnesota to start new adventures. This move will definitely be a huge step of blind faith as I don't really know how God is going to use it, how He is going to change my life from it, and who God will bring into my life through it. As I have been easily wishing away time, I realized that even my current plans are still part of waiting for a bigger picture to unravel. I have been reading a lot of scripture on waiting and being patient and fully trusting God's plan. I have been learning a lot about rejoicing in the wait and to continue to use the precious time that God has blessed me with to continue the race of glorifying Him wholeheartedly. As I desire to focus on who Christ is and what God wants to do through the story that He has given me and the ultimate love story that I am so blessed to share, my heart is actually being changed to embrace the waiting period. Embrace patience, embrace simple love, embrace intentionality of where I am right now, at this stage in my life, in this community, and on this specific spot on a journey. 

God has blessed me so much in just the last two weeks. Our programming at our site was canceled last week and this week due to a major power outage here in West Virginia. This week especially as we are back on site with power but still no participants, has been a huge blessing of rest. God totally has my best interest in his mind as He knows that coming back from this summer and going right into student teaching would be heading right into exhaustion from exhaustion. I praise Him that our team gets to have this week to rest, restructure a few things, and get to know our new site director in intentional ways and that I will not be heading back to WI in complete exhaustion and then jump right into student teaching. God has been teaching me a lot and I honestly don't even know how to put it all into words except for that my heart wants nothing more than Jesus and God's perfect plan, even if it comes with waiting. Waiting is worth it and I am learning to let go of my plan and control to embrace the "I don't knows." 

"You won't relent until You have it all, my heart is Yours. Come be the fire inside of me." - Jesus Culture

Your Love Never Fails

Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LORD our Maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care. -Psalm 95:6-7

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him. -Lamentations 3:25

The start to this summer adventure in West Virginia has been crazy. I haven't blogged about a lot of it because I simply have not had time or felt like I didn't necessary have the words to write, either. I am not completely sure I have all the words now either but after today, I felt I needed to blog about what God has been doing in my heart and how He has been using my experiences here to teach me so many things.

Worship. God has been using my prep weeks here before our program actually starts to remind me, again, that all glory should go to Him. Every trial that has come about is meant to be an opportunity to worship Him for His faithfulness and perfect plan. So often I lose sight of that, especially being a perfectionist with a detailed-plan mindset. I have been reminded this week especially when heavy planning and logistics needed to happen that I fall into worshiping a task and accomplishment rather than worshiping the One who gave me the task and opportunity to succeed in the first place. Today, I was certainly slowed down and reminded that I am not in control. Through a mental breakdown that consisted of out-of-nowhere streaming tears, I felt so stressed out and had no idea what to even do with myself. It didn't help that I had only gotten 2 1/2 hours of sleep the night before, but it was a quick reminder that my plan is not always God's plan. I seem to need this reminder a lot, dangit. This whole summer is a new kind of ministry for me than what I am used to but I am learning that although I didn't really want to be here when I first arrived a few weeks ago, God wanted me here because I am learning how to more deeply humble myself, especially when it comes to my plans and dreams. It has been a hard but greatly refreshing few weeks after a very dry and challenging semester. My heart was just not feeling connected to the Lord as deeply as I wanted. I was seeking God's hand for comfort and His voice for wisdom. What I wasn't doing, though was seeking His face. Psalm 27:8 reads: You have said, "Seek my face." My heart says to you, "Your face, LORD, do I seek." This was David's cry out to God, to seek God's presence. I have been learning a lot about just simply seeking the presence of God in my life instead of what God's plan may be for me or comfort. Seeking God's presence is teaching me to walk in faith that may come with blinded steps, but I am so excited for what God is stirring up in my life. With literally not being able to get every detail done that needs to without the blessing of God's help and His gifts of ability to do so, worshiping Him has been so great.

Waiting. Growing in patience, knowing that God has things in His control, and trusting that the dreams and desires God has given me will be blessed on His watch and not mine, have been huge themes for my last couple weeks as well. The Lord has been continuing to grow my dreams and passions and at this point, I am in the waiting game. I have always been a more impatient person but I have not felt any rush for God to reveal to me His plans for my dreams and passions and I am excited that I can just enjoy the ride God has me on. I have been able to spend a lot of time just rejoicing in how much God has truly blessed me in ways that I do not deserve. I am so thankful for the journey God has me on this summer and for the rest of my life really. Our program here for YouthWorks starts Sunday afternoon and we will be getting our first group of students traveling here to hear how God also speaks into their lives. I truly want to bring glory to Him for the lives that will be changed. God has been teaching me a lot and even through a stressful and hectic schedule, I feel His calming presence. I am so blessed. His love for us truly never fails.

Addiction and Idolatry Talk

A couple months ago I had a huge privilege of speaking at our weekly CRU meeting. I talked about addiction and idolatry and I want to share with you the mp3. Click on the link below and please enjoy!

Addiction and Idolatry

Jumping Into the Unknown

For those of you who do not know, I am officially working with YouthWorks this summer as a Program Staff. YouthWorks is a non-denominational Christian missing organization that creates week long mission trips for junior high and high school students. YouthWorks partners with many communities and people in those communities so that students that come on trips will experience service in the community showing the love of Christ and serving God by being present to worship who He is. This past week has been crazy with training and learning so much information to pull off a successful summer....with the help of God, obviously.

To be honest, I had no idea what I was getting myself into this summer and I am still a little clueless. There have been many times even being here at training that I have thought, 'why am I here? God, what is the purpose of you bringing this trip into my life?' I fully believe in God's promises of His perfect plan and I am excited for Him to reveal the purpose of why I am going to West Virginia this summer and when I will be sharing His ultimate purpose with others.

I am excited to be stretched in so many different ways that are already happening. I have grown so used to being involved with CRU that I haven't really ever experienced another ministry organization before and I have even gotten used to CRU language and just the similar people that I have grown close to. I have now left that bubble for the summer and it has been challenging but refreshing at the same time to get to know new people with completely different backgrounds involved in completely different ministries and churches back from where they live and grew up. Hearing people's testimonies and life stories is one of my favorite things because I love getting to know the heart within someone and understand the ways God has blessed and challenged them. This week has been incredibly eye opening of continually learning how skewd my view on life can be and how narrow my focus on certain circumstances and ideas has been. My comfort zone has been stretched tremendously being so used to evangelism and laying out the gospel for people. This summer we are focusing so much more on just loving others and building deeper relationships to show Christ to others. Don't read this the wrong way, I still think sharing the gospel is the most important purpose of our lives but learning how to better have strangers feel cared for in deep relationships to build trust is also important.

The team that I will be working with this summer is different but we do share a lot of things in common. I have been laughing non-stop since getting to know them because they are HILARIOUS. I haven't been laughing this hard and often in a long time so I am very blessed to constantly be surrounded by humor and laughter. We have many differences on thoughts and how to go about life and it will be a stretch to work on communicating with types of people I haven't really worked with before, especially in ministry. The more I am processing, though, the more I realize how comfortable I have been getting with routine and ministry and being confident in knowing how to do the ministry I am used to doing. I am excited for God to break me in many ways and to break my expectations, my pride, my stereotypes, my weaknesses, and ultimately any disbelief that I have developed in God's character. I know learning and processing these things will not be easy but I am ready to be stretched and learn new things, work on my own character, and be challenged by people around me.

This is a very short and vague explanation of my week but lastly I want you to know that you are loved so much. I love you and more importantly God loves you. Know you are appreciated and I am really going to miss my close friends while I am away. Please let me know how I can be praying for you at any time!

A Letter from the Men

 UWSP CRU had a women's time this past weekend. Women were shown a video about men's thoughts on different subjects and how we as women can better serve them. As a gesture of appreciation, one of our CRU interns bought each woman a rose and handed this letter out to read. I am very thankful for the men on our campus because they seek the role God has given them and lead. I thought this letter was awesome so I wanted to share it with you all! Enjoy.

Dear Sisters,

I want to confess the sin of men against you as women. We are not aware enough of the pain that we have caused you as we have dishonored you and shamed you as women. We are sorry that we have abandoned you as Adam abandoned Eve before the serpent. As the God-appointed head of the family, it was Adam’s responsibility to safeguard Eve and to assure that she remained in submission to the command of God. But Adam failed in his God-given responsibility and permitted Eve to eat of the forbidden fruit. We confess that we have failed to lead you as God has ordained. We confess that we have failed to love you as Christ loves the Church. We confess that we have embraced passivity rather than obedient leadership. We are sorry that you have had to play a role in God’s kingdom that you were not meant to play. We have backed out of our place of spiritual leadership and you have been forced to fill the void. We have not led you. We have not protected you. We have not honored you. As men we have been called to be first to our knees, first to the cross, and first to wield the sword of the Word. It is a pattern that we have repeated since the Fall. From the earliest instance of sin, we men have tended toward passivity in the midst of spiritual battle and then, in the wake of our failures, blamed women to soften our anxiety and shame.

Today, just as Nehemiah confessed on the behalf of others, we want to confess on behalf of the men in your lives.

We are sorry for the ways that we lead you on and encourage you to believe things that are not true. We have not done our job to guard your beautiful hearts. We are sorry for the ways we encourage you to dress in certain ways to please us rather than to protect us and keep us from sexual immorality. We are sorry that we have focused on your outer appearance when God has called us to look on your hearts. We apologize for the daddy who was too busy at work to play with you at home or come to your game or recital. We apologize for the dad who did not hug you and hold you close and affirm you as his precious daughter because his dad was distant and cold. We confess for the dad who didn’t take the time to explain relationships to you, but let you find out the hard way from boys whose fathers also failed them. We are sorry for the little girl whose daddy abandoned her for a bottle of alcohol. We are sorry for the dads who left you and never came back. We are sorry for the emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse that men have brought onto you. You did not deserve it. We men have failed to cherish you as God intended.

But, may I tell you today – if we could be honest with ourselves, with God, and with you – how most men really feel? We marvel at who you are. You have discernment that we don’t have. You notice tiny subtle details when we see nothing at all. We marvel at the way you make relationships, and we secretly long to be able to find friends the way you do. We’re amazed at the way you pray, the way you sing, the way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you cry. We’re amazed at how deeply you feel things and how easily you express those feelings. We are amazed at how multidimensional you are – interweaving softness and strength; how you have endured so much, persevered through so much, and celebrated so much.

Every woman is a rose. Lovely, mysterious, fragrant, and meant to be handled with care. Its piercing thorns greet only those who recklessly grab the stem without taking time to appreciate its total beauty. The most beautiful of flowers, the sweetest of fragrances, and the costliest in the florist’s shop. You are beautiful from the moment of the first bud, but your beauty unfolds a petal at a time as you blossom and grow. Today, we honor you. We do not seek to own you, use you, sell you, or control you – but to admire you.

Sincerely,
Your Brothers in Christ

Darkness into Light

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." 

-Zephaniah 3:17

My God is WITH ME.
My God is MIGHTY TO SAVE.
My God DELIGHTS IN ME.
My God REJOICES OVER ME.

It has been months since I have truly blogged because to be honest, this semester has been awful. This semester has actually been the worst in my whole college career. I've faced loneliness, lack of direction, heartache, discontentment, and most of all, I've been way too focused on the question, 'why?' 

Through discipleship and my bible study, I have been faced with processing all the junk, fears, and pain from the past 10 years or so. The past times of depressing, disordered eating, drunken nights, breakups, hookups, and lost friendships. Processing all of this stuff that happened years ago has been rough and many times I have wondered why I am even bringing all this disgust back up. The past is not me anymore, I have been made into a new creation. I have never wrestled with God so much in my life trying to keep Him close but knowing at the same time that I have actually been pushing Him away with NOT wanting to process how the past has left me bruised and in need of true, deep healing. 

Healing. To be honest, I thought I was done healing over a year ago. I thought that I had already walked through my mistakes and dishonor towards the Lord. I have learned that I am wrong more times than I think, including this one. This semester has been painful bringing up old memories that have literally been haunting me all of a sudden as I drive around this town that so much past has happened in. There have been days that I have even wrestled with anger towards God of why He is all of a sudden now, after 3,4,5,6 years, putting friends that wounded me and men who deceived me back into my path over and over again. I guess the obvious answer is to show me that if I can't actually face them with a smile and the love of Christ, I need more healing time to truly forgive them for breaking my heart. Putting a heart back together is definitely not easy. Impossible, actually. Our actions and words will always have an effect on our lives and our hearts that will forever change the way we think and feel from that moment. It is a huge blessing, though, to be able to learn more about emotions and actions through every single thing we do.

I have been learning A LOT about the patterns that show up in my life and through processing and remembering so many things of the past, I am recognizing why it has been so hard to learn how to freely forgive. My life sometimes seems like a mess and I am never as put together as I like to think that I am.......pride is another thing I have been recognizing more and more. Ugh, gross. We are all so much more messy than we truly think. No wonder why every relationship we have with any other human being is messy. I can barely understand myself as God works through me, I can never expect someone else to understand me. This is exactly why we need grace so much more and why we need to GIVE grace so much more. I have mostly been brokenhearted over the lack of love I see towards others. As a Christ follower, I am called to shower others with love and focus on the best in them. I definitely do not always do this because my wicked flesh gets in the way of focusing on someone's qualities that encourage me and bring light into my life instead of the fact that they didn't hold open the door for the person behind them. As God has me on this journey of healing and slapping me in the face of how much of a mess I really am, I have been able to learn more and more about the grace that He covers me with. Who am I to not give grace to others when I need SO much grace to cover my wretchedness? Kind of ridiculous actually, that we get so caught up in our needs and wants that we fail to see how much grace we really are being given and how much we really don't deserve. 

The past couple weeks have finally been on the upside of everything. I am continually learning how to walk WITH God through all my past and the patterns in my life because of it and I have seen so much light and joy come through taking one step at a time. God has never left me. He has certainly been quiet many times as He has challenged me to trust His silence. Even when we walk through brokenness and distance from Him, God rejoices so much in us as His children. I just can't get over this. God has humbled me and His refining has cleansed my soul bringing me to view the cross as bigger and bigger. I feel like I can't even sufficiently express everything that has been going on the past couple months but God is good. I still have questions of why and I still wait upon God's blessings, whatever they are, but I have hope in the fact that I will never been alone in my wandering as I seek God's own heart in mine. 

This post is pretty much just words spewing out of me as I try to communicate what I have been learning these past couple months. It has been A LOT and as overwhelming as it has been, it has been great. I am continually on the path of sanctification and God never promised me for it to be easy. God promises hardship and stumbling, I am learning to lay down my pride and self-sufficiency and just embrace it.

For those of you who read this, know that you are so special. I have been so blessed with encouraging friends and people who are willing to walk along side my mess of life and love me for who God created me to be. I am so thankful for those of you who forgive quickly as I fall and make mistakes, and even fail you. Thank you for seeing the best in me even when I sin, fall short of God's glory, and fall short of being a Godly friend. I cannot express how much I appreciate the grace that is given to me day by day from those of you who put trust into my heart. Thank you for letting me care for you, share emotions with you, share life with you, and stumble with you. I enjoy the mess in your life and I am truly grateful that you give patience while learning mine. You are loved! 

P.S. If you have noticed that I am no longer on Facebook, it is because I am working on intentionality. I desire to have real relationships with friends and get to know others more deeply by being more intentional with communication. I will eventually be back, probably at the end of the semester. I still want to hear from you, though, so please feel free to call me! Call me old fashion, but I really love hearing your voice as I hear about what is going on in your life, I feel more connected to you. =)

Addict

This is my most recent poem entitled, "Addict."

I am an addict.

Addicted to my own plans.

The plans that focus on my own ways, 

Desires that I stay fixated on for days.

The desires that put my wants and comforts first,

This selfishness inside demands to get out above the surface and burst.

I am an addict. 

Addicted to pleasing anyone and everyone,

Pleasing to be given worth except for the worth that comes from the Son.

Perfecting an image that seems so flawless,

So put together it might as well be lifeless.

Unfulfilling because perfection can't be found,

Because only to sin and disobedience, this place is bound.

I am an addict.

Addicted to playing the role.

The role that says 'Jesus Follower' on the outside,

While the heart screams 'Temporary Fan When Things are Going Well' on the inside.

Living FOR God going through the motions,

Yet filling my soul with poisoned potions,

Instead of basking in the relationship truly offered with grace,

But I'm too set on MYSELF conquering the race.

I am an addict. 

Addicted to things of this world.

The things that are told to bring happiness and life,

Buying into the lies that only bring stress and strife.

Putting Spirit-filled joy and surrender on hold,

Rationalizing the need for the new Blackberry Bold.

I am an addict.

Addicted to fear.

The fear that comes from lack of trust,

Forgetting that I am nothing but dust.

Doubt that He redeems dust into beautiful things,

Avoiding true refinement that only comes through pain and stings.

Afraid that His art made from my heart is not the best,

I hesitate to let go of white knuckles in order to make myself become less.

I am an addict.

Addicted to living a lie.

The lie that I can support myself and get by on my own,

So saturated in culture, the world creates me to be another clone.

A woman who feeds off of self-sufficiency and control,

Manipulating time and resources to achieve the next goal.

Refusing to let God rip these hands open to give to Him everything,

In order to live the called life of only having the cross to cling.

I am an addict.

Addicted to watering down truth.

The truth that says I am the worst of them all,

Sin so tightly entangled in my veins, I might as well be Saul.

Sin so gruesome I deserve nothing but death,

Sin that rejects the power in Jesus' last breath.

The breath of a dead man raised back to life in three days,

A miracle that replaced despair with hope when there was no other way.

Hope that leads back to a loving Father's arms,

Arms that take away all addictions that produce harm.

Love unfathomable and undeserved is freely given,

Given when we decide to stand up and start living.

Living and boldly proclaiming, 'Lord, only of You,

Your promises and grace, I am addicted.'

Experiencing Growth

Again he began to teach beside the sea. And a very large crowd gathered about him, so that he got into a boat and sat in it on the sea, and the whole crowd was beside the sea on the land. And he was teaching them many things in parables, and in his teaching he said to them: "Listen! A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured it. Other seed fell on rocky ground, where it did not have much soil, and immediately it sprang up, since it had no depth of soil. And when the sun rose, it was scorched, and since it had no root, it withered away. Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no grain. And other seeds fell into good soil and produced grain, growing up and increasing and yielding thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold." 

-Mark 4:1-8

This past week I was at a conference called TCX through CRU. This conference is a place to listen to God speak through His word and through speakers from His word. This year was my 4th TCX. I actually went into TCX being incredibly indifferent to the whole thing. I just came off an incredibly hard semester. This past fall semester was the hardest one I have had academically with so many huge projects that stressed me out. I have never been so stressed out in my life due to the coaching position I have with a junior high dance team. Also, I just haven't been connecting with the Lord in the ways that I was this past summer and at the start of the semester. I was emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually drained. I didn't really expect much to come out of TCX because all I wanted to do was connect with the Lord in some way and feel close to Him because I just wasn't. I don't lead underclassmen on campus and really don't interact with may freshman with having older, solid disciples and leading an off campus bible study for upperclass women. Because of this, I didn't get the experience this year of bringing underclassmen to TCX with me and sharing their excitement all week as they learn things they never heard before. So, TCX was just kind of there and I was just there.

It is amazing that God still uses us and still pursues us at these moments. God meets us exactly where we are and uses these moments even more to teach us more things because we are in a position that is vulnerable and just hard. God completely met me, wrapped His loving arms around me as I cried, and is in the process of literally ripping my hands open in surrender to Him. One of the things that I was reminded of this past week was the things that keep us from experiencing growth. At the top of this blog, I posted a familiar parable. The parable of the sower teaches us about different types of soils that seeds can try to grow in and on. The seed in this parable is the gospel and Christ entering hearts. The soils in the parable are souls and hearts and where they are at when it comes to accepting the gospel for their own lives. So what keeps us from growing in our relationship with the Lord??

The first things is OUR PLAN. We believe the lie that our plan is the best plan. I struggle with self-sufficiency. I love having control of how my life is going. I am a planner so I enjoy knowing the plan of where things and my life are headed. I am also somewhat of a go-getter. When I set my mind to things, I am pretty determined to make it work. This is not how God desires my plans. I am human, I am flawed, I am imperfect, and I am lost. I do not know what my best is for the future because God has not revealed that yet. My plans were the biggest thing that God started ripping out of my hands this past week. I am scared because my doubts and fears kick in that tell me that God will not provide and God will not control the entire situation or plan to come. My biggest doubts are that God will provide when it comes to finances and placing me in the exact place and time that I need to be. One of my biggest fears is that my family will disown me if God's best plan for me is to do full time ministry in an area that is completely funded on support from others. Every single time I go home my dad talks to me for at least 20 minutes about where all the job opening are for teaching jobs once I graduate. I still have yet to tell him that I don't plan on getting a full time teaching  just right after I graduate. I have heard the calling of doing full time ministry for at least 3-5 years right after college. Psalm 37:5 says, "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act." Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." Micah 6:8 says, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." And Romans 8:31 says, "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" God promises that He will act in our lives. He promises that He will give us a future and hope. God promises that He will make all things work together for good for those who love Him. In order to truly walk in the perfect plan that God has for us, we need to seek Him with all our heart, walk humbly with Him, and die to ourselves. We need to let go of our plans, our dreams, our expectations, and our love for the world instead of love for our God. I started making a plan to move to the Twin Cities after graduation and look into an internship with Substance church there. I knew that it would still be doing ministry but it was part time needing only to raise 4,500 dollars of support. During this internship I could work during the day and have an income from a full time job and still do ministry. I was thinking that this would make so much sense being able to pay off more college debt. I absolutely love the Twin Cities and God has been giving me a bigger and bigger heart for ministry within the church. God continually grows my excitement of bringing all the training, resources, and knowledge that CRU has given me into churches that may not be training and equipping members to constantly be sharing the gospel. I thought this was the perfect plan for right after graduation, just a year. However, God saw right through my selfish heart and convicted me of my doubts and fears. I was choosing the internship at Substance over an internship with CRU because of the doubt of God providing support. I was choosing this plan because of what my family would say. I have already experienced persecution from family members through raising support between 3-4 thousand dollars for a short term trip. What would they say and think with raising 5 times that much for a fully surrendered year of ministry? It's scary but I know that these doubts and fears are keeping me from experiencing the Lord deeper. At TCX, I felt as though God wants to use the support raising process that comes with interning with CRU to break chains of doubt and fear. I am scared and still doubt but I want the Lord to use the hardship that is to come to break me in ways that still need breaking in order to go deeper in trusting God's character and promises for my life. God can still change my plans but I am thinking of graduating in December next year, substitute teaching second semester while raising support, support raising in the summer, and then interning with CRU that following year. However, the Lord has also been showing me that getting out of Stevens Point would probably be a good thing with having so many memories, good and bad, attached to this town. I still am growing a passion for the Twin Cities so I am most likely going to intern with CRU in the Twin Cities! These tentative plans are fully surrendered to the Lord because He can definitely change them.

The second thing that keeps us from experiencing growth is our pride. We believe the lie that we can make it on our own. When I think about pride I usually think about arrogance and thinking of yourself above others. Now, I have never thought myself to be arrogant because I love serving others and grew up in a home where putting others above yourself was normal. Because of this, I have never considered myself very prideful. However, God has been revealing pride in my life like none other. There are different types of pride and the biggest one in my life is believing that I can do things on my own. I can get by on my own. I don't need a lot of help from others when it comes to everyday tasks. This comes from growing up with a lot of independence. I also struggle with pride in letting people see my flaws. I still have scars from comments made to me about all sorts of my flaws in elementary school and junior high school. These scars still allow my mind to believe lies that I will not be accepted unless I am perfect. The pride of not letting others in on my tough times and the struggles that I face hurt me and my growth more than letting lies, sins, doubts, and fears out into the light. I still am convinced that I can handle some things on my own.....I can't. John 3:30 says, "He must increase, but I must decrease." Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." I am not my own. My plans are not my own. I cannot walk through this life on my own. Everyday there is a battle for our thoughts, actions, dreams, plans, and souls. We will not win this battle without Christ. In fact, we can't just have Christ. We must fully surrender to Christ battling for us. 

The third thing that keeps us from experiencing growth is our past. We believe the lie that God could never love us because of our past and the choices that we made. Part of my testimony is being involved in the party scene and making choices under influence that dragged me further and further away from God. There are days that the enemy still uses these incidents from 4 years ago to tell me that God can't use me. Once in awhile I still believe the lie that I should be ashamed of bringing such a holy gospel to people when my hands and feet have been so filthy and unclean-not holy at all. However, that is the whole reason why the gospel exists. We need it every single day. Our past shows us that every single person needs the gospel every moment of every day of our lives. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Philippians 3:12-14 says, "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." The amount of sin in our lives whether past, present, or future never changes the fact that Christ died for every single one of them. God promises to never leave us or forsake us. We will never be perfect while here on this earth on our own strength. We are only made perfect through the blood of Christ and in return, seeking full obedience in fulfilling God's purpose in our lives of furthering the gospel. We are called to continually move forward and seek the face of our almighty Creator. If we expect growth, we CANNOT commit the same sins over and over again. We cannot be content to live in lies. We cannot live in secret and hidden sins. We will be controlled by the evil that we keep inside of us and what we keep in us will eventually come out of us.