Courage, Humility, Vulnerability

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
-Romans 5:8

Say what?

"You're so intimidating. I was kind of afraid to talk to you."
"I guess I always thought you had it all together and I actually envied you for it."
"I didn't know that you actually struggled with that."
"You seem so perfect."

I am writing this blog because these quotes have been exact words that people have said to me just in the past month. They have been ringing so loudly in my head because it is apparent my TRUE heart is not shown. When I hear people tell me about how much I intimidate them or that they think I have life figured out and everything is perfect, my heart just hurts. I don't want people to be intimidated by me but rather, be overwhelmed by compassion of a powerful God. I don't want people to look at me as perfect but rather, completely imperfect and just as desperate for a Savior as the next person. I don't want people to think I have it all together, figured out, and walking through life with full confidence in a perfect plan but rather, have people see my true heart that hurts because I don't have it all together and be willing to try to understand the compassionate, tender heart that I have been blessed with.

For those of you who know my testimony, growing up in elementary school and junior high came with a lot of verbal abuse that constantly told me that I was worthless and I would never be good enough for anyone. I learned to seek out perfection in outward appearance to fool those around me into thinking that I did have everything together and figured out. I literally trained myself to try to conquer being perfect, especially in high school. I obviously failed in many aspects but it's always been a struggle to desire perfection for myself. But I will never be perfect but only have the perfection that Christ gives to my life. I want people to see my imperfections so they can see the radiating love that only Christ can give. The love that allowed Christ to die for us even when we are still caught in our sins. The fear of rejection is a major struggle that goes hand-in-hand with the strive for perfection because there is minimal rejection for those who have minimal flaws.....in society, anyways.

As I have been processing so many things lately, I have realized that the more I seek perfection and let power be held in my fear of rejection the less others truly know about me. It takes crazy courage, humility, and vulnerability to just spill your heart to those around you and let others see where you stumble and what questions you don't really have the answers to. This blog is my crazy courage, humility, and vulnerability because I want people to see past my image, see past my actions, and look into my heart. It is more fragile than I ever care to admit and it hurts more often than I let show. Allowing myself to actually feel and process so many emotions is something that I am learning to relearn after years of being made fun of for crying and being hurt easily. My heart breaks for those who can relate to this strive for perfection that also comes with emotional breakdown behind closed doors because I have walked through it often, even recently. My heart breaks for those who struggle with body image and disordered eating. I still struggle with finding worth in image every single day. I would be lying if I said that I have been able to fully walk away from that struggle. Even in the past couple weeks the mindset of disordered eating has come in and out. My heart breaks for those who find identity in the next relationship they can put themselves into. I have always put such worth in relationships thinking that they would offer the worth I was seeking even when knowing that there is no complete worth and value in any human relationship. My heart breaks for those losing faith and struggling with doubt that God really does love them and want the best for them. There has been many times just in the past month that I have continually asked God 'why?' Doubting that God has my life under control when all I see is it spinning out of control, my heart just aches.

THESE are the things that I want people to see and relate to. My HEART is what I want others to care about and dive into. When this broken, sinful heart is searched, the walls that have been built up for so long will eventually crumble. I don't want to waste my time impressing people. I don't want to doubt in God's goodness. I don't want to hide behind image and walls because the fear of someone rejecting the pain and tenderness in my heart. I want my journey through life to be transparent and only God's doings be evident. I am learning that life is constantly changing. It's okay to not know, it's okay to live in the moment, it's okay not to have a plan, it's okay to show pain, it's okay to feel sadness, it's okay to not have it all together. God never promises us an easy journey but He does promise us grace and love. My heart is continually learning this.