The Choice to Rejoice

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.

-Jeremiah 17:7

Trust in him at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

-Psalm 62:8

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "Let God be exalted!"

-Psalm 70:4

But now, this is what the LORD says--he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

-Isaiah 43:1-3

SO ready to go home! Well, at least I thought I was ready to be back home in Wisconsin to get back to "normal life" is there is such a thing. Something felt weird and I definitely have not felt like life is "normal" and what I was used to when I left for an adventurous summer with YouthWorks out in West Virginia. As our last few days on the East coast were spent starting to debrief a crazy summer, I felt so confident that I just wanted to go home, I was so done with the crazy schedule and I certainly felt like I wasn't really going to miss anyone THAT much. I definitely had the mindset that I just want to go back to my own bed, my own friends, my own life that I was used to, my usual schedule, and be with people that have had many years getting to know who I am, what makes my heart beat, and what God has continually done in my life. Those last few days, I felt like an emotional basket case. My body was literally shutting down from such an exhausting summer and a traumatic last night in West Virginia left me even more exhausted with the desire to just crawl up in a ball, cry, and be home even more. This is definitely not my normal. I don't usually get super emotional, I'm usually a huge people person, and I certainly have never experienced the level of exhaustion that my body was at. Finally after a couple days, I was boarding the plane and heading home. I said goodbye to a couple amazing people at the airport and continued to convince myself how much I just wanted to leave the summer behind and be home to get back to my "real life." 

After spending a night with a friend before she moved to East Asia for an entire year, I realized that God changed way more of me than I thought. I have been an emotional wreck, and half of it is because I'm definitely not used to being this emotional about things. In the past week, I've cried way more than I have in the past year before the past week or so and I definitely catch myself thinking, "what is wrong with me? God what are You doing???" I thought I wanted to just be home, be back to what I'm used to but also wishing time away to fast forward to February so that I can move to the Twin Cities in MN and start a new stage of life, and I just want to feel normal! Life is not the normal that I thought it was going to be coming back home. A lot of friends have moved or are not back to school yet. I won't even be on campus anymore due to student teaching so the "normal" I had of school and classes on campus is no longer going to be there and I certainly won't be seeing the people that I'm so used to seeing with living at home and leaving the apartment I lived in. It's weird not coming back home to a job like I have the past 4 years, it's weird living with my parents who do not know the Lord again, it's weird that all my friends have moved onto the next stage of life in other cities, it's weird not being with my YouthWorks staff team that became family this summer in the community that we got so used to the past couple months, and it's weird that I've turned into a crazy introvert. Life.

God is definitely using all of these emotions to remind me that life here is not permanent, there will constantly be change no matter what, there will be heartbreak and disappointment, life will definitely not go the way that you expect it to but none of this means that God changes. God is still faithful. My pride and weak flesh get in the way of remembering that God is bigger than I ever imagine and His plan is perfect. So will I choose to rejoice?

Will I choose to rejoice in what God is doing when I have no clue what it is? Will I choose to trust that God has a lesson waiting for me in times of disappointment? Will I choose to be thankful for the blessings that God freely gives me even in the midst of confusion and change of plans? Will I make the choice to rejoice?

To be honest, I don't always choose to rejoice in what God is doing because I sometimes fail to believe that God has it all under control and that I just need to wait. Being patient has never been a strength of mine. God continually shows me how far He has yet to take me in trusting Him even when I can look back to see how far He has already brought me. God loves me so much. God has blessed me so much. I am working on choosing to rejoice in the future of what God has for me even when it's hard and emotional and confusing and painful. I will wait on the Lord.