Your Love Never Fails

Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LORD our Maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care. -Psalm 95:6-7

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him. -Lamentations 3:25

The start to this summer adventure in West Virginia has been crazy. I haven't blogged about a lot of it because I simply have not had time or felt like I didn't necessary have the words to write, either. I am not completely sure I have all the words now either but after today, I felt I needed to blog about what God has been doing in my heart and how He has been using my experiences here to teach me so many things.

Worship. God has been using my prep weeks here before our program actually starts to remind me, again, that all glory should go to Him. Every trial that has come about is meant to be an opportunity to worship Him for His faithfulness and perfect plan. So often I lose sight of that, especially being a perfectionist with a detailed-plan mindset. I have been reminded this week especially when heavy planning and logistics needed to happen that I fall into worshiping a task and accomplishment rather than worshiping the One who gave me the task and opportunity to succeed in the first place. Today, I was certainly slowed down and reminded that I am not in control. Through a mental breakdown that consisted of out-of-nowhere streaming tears, I felt so stressed out and had no idea what to even do with myself. It didn't help that I had only gotten 2 1/2 hours of sleep the night before, but it was a quick reminder that my plan is not always God's plan. I seem to need this reminder a lot, dangit. This whole summer is a new kind of ministry for me than what I am used to but I am learning that although I didn't really want to be here when I first arrived a few weeks ago, God wanted me here because I am learning how to more deeply humble myself, especially when it comes to my plans and dreams. It has been a hard but greatly refreshing few weeks after a very dry and challenging semester. My heart was just not feeling connected to the Lord as deeply as I wanted. I was seeking God's hand for comfort and His voice for wisdom. What I wasn't doing, though was seeking His face. Psalm 27:8 reads: You have said, "Seek my face." My heart says to you, "Your face, LORD, do I seek." This was David's cry out to God, to seek God's presence. I have been learning a lot about just simply seeking the presence of God in my life instead of what God's plan may be for me or comfort. Seeking God's presence is teaching me to walk in faith that may come with blinded steps, but I am so excited for what God is stirring up in my life. With literally not being able to get every detail done that needs to without the blessing of God's help and His gifts of ability to do so, worshiping Him has been so great.

Waiting. Growing in patience, knowing that God has things in His control, and trusting that the dreams and desires God has given me will be blessed on His watch and not mine, have been huge themes for my last couple weeks as well. The Lord has been continuing to grow my dreams and passions and at this point, I am in the waiting game. I have always been a more impatient person but I have not felt any rush for God to reveal to me His plans for my dreams and passions and I am excited that I can just enjoy the ride God has me on. I have been able to spend a lot of time just rejoicing in how much God has truly blessed me in ways that I do not deserve. I am so thankful for the journey God has me on this summer and for the rest of my life really. Our program here for YouthWorks starts Sunday afternoon and we will be getting our first group of students traveling here to hear how God also speaks into their lives. I truly want to bring glory to Him for the lives that will be changed. God has been teaching me a lot and even through a stressful and hectic schedule, I feel His calming presence. I am so blessed. His love for us truly never fails.

Addiction and Idolatry Talk

A couple months ago I had a huge privilege of speaking at our weekly CRU meeting. I talked about addiction and idolatry and I want to share with you the mp3. Click on the link below and please enjoy!

Addiction and Idolatry

Jumping Into the Unknown

For those of you who do not know, I am officially working with YouthWorks this summer as a Program Staff. YouthWorks is a non-denominational Christian missing organization that creates week long mission trips for junior high and high school students. YouthWorks partners with many communities and people in those communities so that students that come on trips will experience service in the community showing the love of Christ and serving God by being present to worship who He is. This past week has been crazy with training and learning so much information to pull off a successful summer....with the help of God, obviously.

To be honest, I had no idea what I was getting myself into this summer and I am still a little clueless. There have been many times even being here at training that I have thought, 'why am I here? God, what is the purpose of you bringing this trip into my life?' I fully believe in God's promises of His perfect plan and I am excited for Him to reveal the purpose of why I am going to West Virginia this summer and when I will be sharing His ultimate purpose with others.

I am excited to be stretched in so many different ways that are already happening. I have grown so used to being involved with CRU that I haven't really ever experienced another ministry organization before and I have even gotten used to CRU language and just the similar people that I have grown close to. I have now left that bubble for the summer and it has been challenging but refreshing at the same time to get to know new people with completely different backgrounds involved in completely different ministries and churches back from where they live and grew up. Hearing people's testimonies and life stories is one of my favorite things because I love getting to know the heart within someone and understand the ways God has blessed and challenged them. This week has been incredibly eye opening of continually learning how skewd my view on life can be and how narrow my focus on certain circumstances and ideas has been. My comfort zone has been stretched tremendously being so used to evangelism and laying out the gospel for people. This summer we are focusing so much more on just loving others and building deeper relationships to show Christ to others. Don't read this the wrong way, I still think sharing the gospel is the most important purpose of our lives but learning how to better have strangers feel cared for in deep relationships to build trust is also important.

The team that I will be working with this summer is different but we do share a lot of things in common. I have been laughing non-stop since getting to know them because they are HILARIOUS. I haven't been laughing this hard and often in a long time so I am very blessed to constantly be surrounded by humor and laughter. We have many differences on thoughts and how to go about life and it will be a stretch to work on communicating with types of people I haven't really worked with before, especially in ministry. The more I am processing, though, the more I realize how comfortable I have been getting with routine and ministry and being confident in knowing how to do the ministry I am used to doing. I am excited for God to break me in many ways and to break my expectations, my pride, my stereotypes, my weaknesses, and ultimately any disbelief that I have developed in God's character. I know learning and processing these things will not be easy but I am ready to be stretched and learn new things, work on my own character, and be challenged by people around me.

This is a very short and vague explanation of my week but lastly I want you to know that you are loved so much. I love you and more importantly God loves you. Know you are appreciated and I am really going to miss my close friends while I am away. Please let me know how I can be praying for you at any time!

A Letter from the Men

 UWSP CRU had a women's time this past weekend. Women were shown a video about men's thoughts on different subjects and how we as women can better serve them. As a gesture of appreciation, one of our CRU interns bought each woman a rose and handed this letter out to read. I am very thankful for the men on our campus because they seek the role God has given them and lead. I thought this letter was awesome so I wanted to share it with you all! Enjoy.

Dear Sisters,

I want to confess the sin of men against you as women. We are not aware enough of the pain that we have caused you as we have dishonored you and shamed you as women. We are sorry that we have abandoned you as Adam abandoned Eve before the serpent. As the God-appointed head of the family, it was Adam’s responsibility to safeguard Eve and to assure that she remained in submission to the command of God. But Adam failed in his God-given responsibility and permitted Eve to eat of the forbidden fruit. We confess that we have failed to lead you as God has ordained. We confess that we have failed to love you as Christ loves the Church. We confess that we have embraced passivity rather than obedient leadership. We are sorry that you have had to play a role in God’s kingdom that you were not meant to play. We have backed out of our place of spiritual leadership and you have been forced to fill the void. We have not led you. We have not protected you. We have not honored you. As men we have been called to be first to our knees, first to the cross, and first to wield the sword of the Word. It is a pattern that we have repeated since the Fall. From the earliest instance of sin, we men have tended toward passivity in the midst of spiritual battle and then, in the wake of our failures, blamed women to soften our anxiety and shame.

Today, just as Nehemiah confessed on the behalf of others, we want to confess on behalf of the men in your lives.

We are sorry for the ways that we lead you on and encourage you to believe things that are not true. We have not done our job to guard your beautiful hearts. We are sorry for the ways we encourage you to dress in certain ways to please us rather than to protect us and keep us from sexual immorality. We are sorry that we have focused on your outer appearance when God has called us to look on your hearts. We apologize for the daddy who was too busy at work to play with you at home or come to your game or recital. We apologize for the dad who did not hug you and hold you close and affirm you as his precious daughter because his dad was distant and cold. We confess for the dad who didn’t take the time to explain relationships to you, but let you find out the hard way from boys whose fathers also failed them. We are sorry for the little girl whose daddy abandoned her for a bottle of alcohol. We are sorry for the dads who left you and never came back. We are sorry for the emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse that men have brought onto you. You did not deserve it. We men have failed to cherish you as God intended.

But, may I tell you today – if we could be honest with ourselves, with God, and with you – how most men really feel? We marvel at who you are. You have discernment that we don’t have. You notice tiny subtle details when we see nothing at all. We marvel at the way you make relationships, and we secretly long to be able to find friends the way you do. We’re amazed at the way you pray, the way you sing, the way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you cry. We’re amazed at how deeply you feel things and how easily you express those feelings. We are amazed at how multidimensional you are – interweaving softness and strength; how you have endured so much, persevered through so much, and celebrated so much.

Every woman is a rose. Lovely, mysterious, fragrant, and meant to be handled with care. Its piercing thorns greet only those who recklessly grab the stem without taking time to appreciate its total beauty. The most beautiful of flowers, the sweetest of fragrances, and the costliest in the florist’s shop. You are beautiful from the moment of the first bud, but your beauty unfolds a petal at a time as you blossom and grow. Today, we honor you. We do not seek to own you, use you, sell you, or control you – but to admire you.

Sincerely,
Your Brothers in Christ

Darkness into Light

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." 

-Zephaniah 3:17

My God is WITH ME.
My God is MIGHTY TO SAVE.
My God DELIGHTS IN ME.
My God REJOICES OVER ME.

It has been months since I have truly blogged because to be honest, this semester has been awful. This semester has actually been the worst in my whole college career. I've faced loneliness, lack of direction, heartache, discontentment, and most of all, I've been way too focused on the question, 'why?' 

Through discipleship and my bible study, I have been faced with processing all the junk, fears, and pain from the past 10 years or so. The past times of depressing, disordered eating, drunken nights, breakups, hookups, and lost friendships. Processing all of this stuff that happened years ago has been rough and many times I have wondered why I am even bringing all this disgust back up. The past is not me anymore, I have been made into a new creation. I have never wrestled with God so much in my life trying to keep Him close but knowing at the same time that I have actually been pushing Him away with NOT wanting to process how the past has left me bruised and in need of true, deep healing. 

Healing. To be honest, I thought I was done healing over a year ago. I thought that I had already walked through my mistakes and dishonor towards the Lord. I have learned that I am wrong more times than I think, including this one. This semester has been painful bringing up old memories that have literally been haunting me all of a sudden as I drive around this town that so much past has happened in. There have been days that I have even wrestled with anger towards God of why He is all of a sudden now, after 3,4,5,6 years, putting friends that wounded me and men who deceived me back into my path over and over again. I guess the obvious answer is to show me that if I can't actually face them with a smile and the love of Christ, I need more healing time to truly forgive them for breaking my heart. Putting a heart back together is definitely not easy. Impossible, actually. Our actions and words will always have an effect on our lives and our hearts that will forever change the way we think and feel from that moment. It is a huge blessing, though, to be able to learn more about emotions and actions through every single thing we do.

I have been learning A LOT about the patterns that show up in my life and through processing and remembering so many things of the past, I am recognizing why it has been so hard to learn how to freely forgive. My life sometimes seems like a mess and I am never as put together as I like to think that I am.......pride is another thing I have been recognizing more and more. Ugh, gross. We are all so much more messy than we truly think. No wonder why every relationship we have with any other human being is messy. I can barely understand myself as God works through me, I can never expect someone else to understand me. This is exactly why we need grace so much more and why we need to GIVE grace so much more. I have mostly been brokenhearted over the lack of love I see towards others. As a Christ follower, I am called to shower others with love and focus on the best in them. I definitely do not always do this because my wicked flesh gets in the way of focusing on someone's qualities that encourage me and bring light into my life instead of the fact that they didn't hold open the door for the person behind them. As God has me on this journey of healing and slapping me in the face of how much of a mess I really am, I have been able to learn more and more about the grace that He covers me with. Who am I to not give grace to others when I need SO much grace to cover my wretchedness? Kind of ridiculous actually, that we get so caught up in our needs and wants that we fail to see how much grace we really are being given and how much we really don't deserve. 

The past couple weeks have finally been on the upside of everything. I am continually learning how to walk WITH God through all my past and the patterns in my life because of it and I have seen so much light and joy come through taking one step at a time. God has never left me. He has certainly been quiet many times as He has challenged me to trust His silence. Even when we walk through brokenness and distance from Him, God rejoices so much in us as His children. I just can't get over this. God has humbled me and His refining has cleansed my soul bringing me to view the cross as bigger and bigger. I feel like I can't even sufficiently express everything that has been going on the past couple months but God is good. I still have questions of why and I still wait upon God's blessings, whatever they are, but I have hope in the fact that I will never been alone in my wandering as I seek God's own heart in mine. 

This post is pretty much just words spewing out of me as I try to communicate what I have been learning these past couple months. It has been A LOT and as overwhelming as it has been, it has been great. I am continually on the path of sanctification and God never promised me for it to be easy. God promises hardship and stumbling, I am learning to lay down my pride and self-sufficiency and just embrace it.

For those of you who read this, know that you are so special. I have been so blessed with encouraging friends and people who are willing to walk along side my mess of life and love me for who God created me to be. I am so thankful for those of you who forgive quickly as I fall and make mistakes, and even fail you. Thank you for seeing the best in me even when I sin, fall short of God's glory, and fall short of being a Godly friend. I cannot express how much I appreciate the grace that is given to me day by day from those of you who put trust into my heart. Thank you for letting me care for you, share emotions with you, share life with you, and stumble with you. I enjoy the mess in your life and I am truly grateful that you give patience while learning mine. You are loved! 

P.S. If you have noticed that I am no longer on Facebook, it is because I am working on intentionality. I desire to have real relationships with friends and get to know others more deeply by being more intentional with communication. I will eventually be back, probably at the end of the semester. I still want to hear from you, though, so please feel free to call me! Call me old fashion, but I really love hearing your voice as I hear about what is going on in your life, I feel more connected to you. =)

Addict

This is my most recent poem entitled, "Addict."

I am an addict.

Addicted to my own plans.

The plans that focus on my own ways, 

Desires that I stay fixated on for days.

The desires that put my wants and comforts first,

This selfishness inside demands to get out above the surface and burst.

I am an addict. 

Addicted to pleasing anyone and everyone,

Pleasing to be given worth except for the worth that comes from the Son.

Perfecting an image that seems so flawless,

So put together it might as well be lifeless.

Unfulfilling because perfection can't be found,

Because only to sin and disobedience, this place is bound.

I am an addict.

Addicted to playing the role.

The role that says 'Jesus Follower' on the outside,

While the heart screams 'Temporary Fan When Things are Going Well' on the inside.

Living FOR God going through the motions,

Yet filling my soul with poisoned potions,

Instead of basking in the relationship truly offered with grace,

But I'm too set on MYSELF conquering the race.

I am an addict. 

Addicted to things of this world.

The things that are told to bring happiness and life,

Buying into the lies that only bring stress and strife.

Putting Spirit-filled joy and surrender on hold,

Rationalizing the need for the new Blackberry Bold.

I am an addict.

Addicted to fear.

The fear that comes from lack of trust,

Forgetting that I am nothing but dust.

Doubt that He redeems dust into beautiful things,

Avoiding true refinement that only comes through pain and stings.

Afraid that His art made from my heart is not the best,

I hesitate to let go of white knuckles in order to make myself become less.

I am an addict.

Addicted to living a lie.

The lie that I can support myself and get by on my own,

So saturated in culture, the world creates me to be another clone.

A woman who feeds off of self-sufficiency and control,

Manipulating time and resources to achieve the next goal.

Refusing to let God rip these hands open to give to Him everything,

In order to live the called life of only having the cross to cling.

I am an addict.

Addicted to watering down truth.

The truth that says I am the worst of them all,

Sin so tightly entangled in my veins, I might as well be Saul.

Sin so gruesome I deserve nothing but death,

Sin that rejects the power in Jesus' last breath.

The breath of a dead man raised back to life in three days,

A miracle that replaced despair with hope when there was no other way.

Hope that leads back to a loving Father's arms,

Arms that take away all addictions that produce harm.

Love unfathomable and undeserved is freely given,

Given when we decide to stand up and start living.

Living and boldly proclaiming, 'Lord, only of You,

Your promises and grace, I am addicted.'

Experiencing Growth

Again he began to teach beside the sea. And a very large crowd gathered about him, so that he got into a boat and sat in it on the sea, and the whole crowd was beside the sea on the land. And he was teaching them many things in parables, and in his teaching he said to them: "Listen! A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured it. Other seed fell on rocky ground, where it did not have much soil, and immediately it sprang up, since it had no depth of soil. And when the sun rose, it was scorched, and since it had no root, it withered away. Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no grain. And other seeds fell into good soil and produced grain, growing up and increasing and yielding thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold." 

-Mark 4:1-8

This past week I was at a conference called TCX through CRU. This conference is a place to listen to God speak through His word and through speakers from His word. This year was my 4th TCX. I actually went into TCX being incredibly indifferent to the whole thing. I just came off an incredibly hard semester. This past fall semester was the hardest one I have had academically with so many huge projects that stressed me out. I have never been so stressed out in my life due to the coaching position I have with a junior high dance team. Also, I just haven't been connecting with the Lord in the ways that I was this past summer and at the start of the semester. I was emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually drained. I didn't really expect much to come out of TCX because all I wanted to do was connect with the Lord in some way and feel close to Him because I just wasn't. I don't lead underclassmen on campus and really don't interact with may freshman with having older, solid disciples and leading an off campus bible study for upperclass women. Because of this, I didn't get the experience this year of bringing underclassmen to TCX with me and sharing their excitement all week as they learn things they never heard before. So, TCX was just kind of there and I was just there.

It is amazing that God still uses us and still pursues us at these moments. God meets us exactly where we are and uses these moments even more to teach us more things because we are in a position that is vulnerable and just hard. God completely met me, wrapped His loving arms around me as I cried, and is in the process of literally ripping my hands open in surrender to Him. One of the things that I was reminded of this past week was the things that keep us from experiencing growth. At the top of this blog, I posted a familiar parable. The parable of the sower teaches us about different types of soils that seeds can try to grow in and on. The seed in this parable is the gospel and Christ entering hearts. The soils in the parable are souls and hearts and where they are at when it comes to accepting the gospel for their own lives. So what keeps us from growing in our relationship with the Lord??

The first things is OUR PLAN. We believe the lie that our plan is the best plan. I struggle with self-sufficiency. I love having control of how my life is going. I am a planner so I enjoy knowing the plan of where things and my life are headed. I am also somewhat of a go-getter. When I set my mind to things, I am pretty determined to make it work. This is not how God desires my plans. I am human, I am flawed, I am imperfect, and I am lost. I do not know what my best is for the future because God has not revealed that yet. My plans were the biggest thing that God started ripping out of my hands this past week. I am scared because my doubts and fears kick in that tell me that God will not provide and God will not control the entire situation or plan to come. My biggest doubts are that God will provide when it comes to finances and placing me in the exact place and time that I need to be. One of my biggest fears is that my family will disown me if God's best plan for me is to do full time ministry in an area that is completely funded on support from others. Every single time I go home my dad talks to me for at least 20 minutes about where all the job opening are for teaching jobs once I graduate. I still have yet to tell him that I don't plan on getting a full time teaching  just right after I graduate. I have heard the calling of doing full time ministry for at least 3-5 years right after college. Psalm 37:5 says, "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act." Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." Micah 6:8 says, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." And Romans 8:31 says, "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" God promises that He will act in our lives. He promises that He will give us a future and hope. God promises that He will make all things work together for good for those who love Him. In order to truly walk in the perfect plan that God has for us, we need to seek Him with all our heart, walk humbly with Him, and die to ourselves. We need to let go of our plans, our dreams, our expectations, and our love for the world instead of love for our God. I started making a plan to move to the Twin Cities after graduation and look into an internship with Substance church there. I knew that it would still be doing ministry but it was part time needing only to raise 4,500 dollars of support. During this internship I could work during the day and have an income from a full time job and still do ministry. I was thinking that this would make so much sense being able to pay off more college debt. I absolutely love the Twin Cities and God has been giving me a bigger and bigger heart for ministry within the church. God continually grows my excitement of bringing all the training, resources, and knowledge that CRU has given me into churches that may not be training and equipping members to constantly be sharing the gospel. I thought this was the perfect plan for right after graduation, just a year. However, God saw right through my selfish heart and convicted me of my doubts and fears. I was choosing the internship at Substance over an internship with CRU because of the doubt of God providing support. I was choosing this plan because of what my family would say. I have already experienced persecution from family members through raising support between 3-4 thousand dollars for a short term trip. What would they say and think with raising 5 times that much for a fully surrendered year of ministry? It's scary but I know that these doubts and fears are keeping me from experiencing the Lord deeper. At TCX, I felt as though God wants to use the support raising process that comes with interning with CRU to break chains of doubt and fear. I am scared and still doubt but I want the Lord to use the hardship that is to come to break me in ways that still need breaking in order to go deeper in trusting God's character and promises for my life. God can still change my plans but I am thinking of graduating in December next year, substitute teaching second semester while raising support, support raising in the summer, and then interning with CRU that following year. However, the Lord has also been showing me that getting out of Stevens Point would probably be a good thing with having so many memories, good and bad, attached to this town. I still am growing a passion for the Twin Cities so I am most likely going to intern with CRU in the Twin Cities! These tentative plans are fully surrendered to the Lord because He can definitely change them.

The second thing that keeps us from experiencing growth is our pride. We believe the lie that we can make it on our own. When I think about pride I usually think about arrogance and thinking of yourself above others. Now, I have never thought myself to be arrogant because I love serving others and grew up in a home where putting others above yourself was normal. Because of this, I have never considered myself very prideful. However, God has been revealing pride in my life like none other. There are different types of pride and the biggest one in my life is believing that I can do things on my own. I can get by on my own. I don't need a lot of help from others when it comes to everyday tasks. This comes from growing up with a lot of independence. I also struggle with pride in letting people see my flaws. I still have scars from comments made to me about all sorts of my flaws in elementary school and junior high school. These scars still allow my mind to believe lies that I will not be accepted unless I am perfect. The pride of not letting others in on my tough times and the struggles that I face hurt me and my growth more than letting lies, sins, doubts, and fears out into the light. I still am convinced that I can handle some things on my own.....I can't. John 3:30 says, "He must increase, but I must decrease." Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." I am not my own. My plans are not my own. I cannot walk through this life on my own. Everyday there is a battle for our thoughts, actions, dreams, plans, and souls. We will not win this battle without Christ. In fact, we can't just have Christ. We must fully surrender to Christ battling for us. 

The third thing that keeps us from experiencing growth is our past. We believe the lie that God could never love us because of our past and the choices that we made. Part of my testimony is being involved in the party scene and making choices under influence that dragged me further and further away from God. There are days that the enemy still uses these incidents from 4 years ago to tell me that God can't use me. Once in awhile I still believe the lie that I should be ashamed of bringing such a holy gospel to people when my hands and feet have been so filthy and unclean-not holy at all. However, that is the whole reason why the gospel exists. We need it every single day. Our past shows us that every single person needs the gospel every moment of every day of our lives. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Philippians 3:12-14 says, "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." The amount of sin in our lives whether past, present, or future never changes the fact that Christ died for every single one of them. God promises to never leave us or forsake us. We will never be perfect while here on this earth on our own strength. We are only made perfect through the blood of Christ and in return, seeking full obedience in fulfilling God's purpose in our lives of furthering the gospel. We are called to continually move forward and seek the face of our almighty Creator. If we expect growth, we CANNOT commit the same sins over and over again. We cannot be content to live in lies. We cannot live in secret and hidden sins. We will be controlled by the evil that we keep inside of us and what we keep in us will eventually come out of us. 

Bucket List

I just decided to make a bucket list and I thought I would share it. Enjoy!

*Visit Paris

*Play the piano well

*Play the guitar as well

*Be serenaded

*Write long hand letters back and forth to the one I love dearly

*Experience the secret churches in China

*Write a song

*Write a book

*Publish a poem

*Fall in love with a Godly man

*Raise great children

*Take a road trip to California

*See New York in the winter

*Work in a church

*Learn how to surf

*Go snorkeling in Mexico

*Climb a legitimate mountain

*Run a half marathon

*Fix up an old house

*Visit Turkey and see where Paul preached

*Carve my name in a tree

*Go on an African safari

*Learn to swing dance

*Go on a cruise

*Visit Vermont

*Take a trip to see where I was born in Texas

*Share the gospel with with all my family members

*Go paintballing

*Participate in a massive food fight

*Kiss in the rain

*Learn how to knit and crochet

*Learn how to use the sewing machine

*Participate in a bike race

*See a Broadway play

*Stop biting my fingernails

*Get better with taking compliments

*Be a constant living example of a Christ follower

*Take a trip to Hawaii

*Ride a train

*Love Jesus more and more each day

*Read through the entire Bible in a year

*Bake a huge cake from scratch

*Grow in forgiving more quickly

*Allow God to continually use me to further His kingdom

*Love others wholeheartedly even with risking rejection

*Go all-out camping, living on minimal resources in a tent in the woods

*Meet Boyce Avenue

*Adopt a child from another country

*Plant a community garden

*Host a murder mystery party

*Be thrown a surprise party

*Be surprised with a dozen white roses

Well, this is the start! More to be added throughout life.

The Need for God's Grace

Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can't you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? 

-Romans 2:4 (NLT)

"Whether we are new in our faith or have trusted in Christ for many years, all of us struggle with the challenge of keeping our faith immediate--up to the moment. Our human tendency is to fall back on our righteousness, our track record, our ability to do and be good rather than placing our hope in Christ. Really understanding that Jesus wants our complete trust is an ongoing process." -Max Lucado

The past few weeks have been so hard. I can't begin to explain why because I don't even know. I have felt an extreme uneasiness and heartache. As the semester is coming to the end, living with roommates that are graduating in May and talking about plans after graduation has not been easy. People ask me the same questions of what my plans are and as much as I desire to know, I simply shrug my shoulders and say, 'it's a mystery.' Through this process I have actually realized how much I have been doubting God's plan and how God has been so incredibly patient with me. I never want to doubt God's plan and I never want to be disappointed in what God is doing in my life but right now, I am experiencing both of those feelings. It has been this heart-wrenching, exhausting cycle of having a slight doubt in God's providence, having the enemy take that and fill my head with lies and twisted truths that allow my mind and heart to be content in just sitting and waiting, allowing action in serving to the fullest of where God has me now to turn extremely passive, feeling more distant from the Lord because of it, gaining increased doubt of God's providence because of not getting anywhere, and then everything starts over. Sometimes I get so frustrated with how ugly human nature is and then I am reminded of the hope that brings those who are weary to their knees. I have always struggled with self-reliance within trusting the Lord instead of serving completely through God's grace.

God's grace and kindness has been more real to me the past few days. I've had those days that I have just realized how selfish my desires are, how impatient my heart is, and how much depth I have been lacking. Life has gotten overwhelming and confusing but instead of completely trusting in clinging to the cross completely until the Lord's timing is right, I have definitely been tempted to give up, throw my hands in the air and say, "God, I don't get it. I don't get what You are doing with emotions you have placed in my heart that are not going anywhere, I don't get Your purpose of placing things in my life that I did not ask for that have just caused confusion and disappointment, I don't get why there is lack of communication and intentionality, I don't get passivity, but most of all I don't get myself." I have been feeling so discouraged at even thinking about being disappointed in what God was doing or wasn't doing because I thought I am not supposed to be disappointed in God. God is good all the time and works all things together for my good. That doesn't sound like disappointment. My discipler reminded me of God's desire for us to be raw and real with Him and each other as believers. We all go through doubts and times of disappointment with God because we are not promised to understand God's perfect plan. It's not something that we should be ashamed of or refuse to recognize. God gives and takes away in our lives in order for Him to be most glorified and although we will not always understand, God wants us to be emotionally real and fully grieve our confusion and lack of trust. I think about any earthly relationship and the times that those relationships can experience the most depth. It can usually be when there is disappointment or confusion that forces two people to open up, reveal emotions, and take the risk of having their feelings and emotions of confusion and pain be rejected. When two people can truly open up and express honesty, the relationship deepens and the two people are brought closer. Our relationship with God is similar. Our relationship with Him will only deepen as we reveal true emotions of pain and let God see the rawness of our heart. Opening up to God about these hard emotions should be easier than entrusting them to people around us because there is no risk of rejection. God will never reject us, He is always understanding, and He always promises comfort. Why should we be ashamed of laying disappointment at His feet? Why should we hide from the pain of being confused by God's plan? We shouldn't.

I just realized that this blog post is kind of all over the place with thought but that is how my mind is feeling.....all over the place! There has been so much battle between my head and my heart lately that I have just been exhausted. I have had a huge lack of ambition to fight God's battle because there has been such a huge battle within my own heart. The Lord has used it to being me back to the need for His gospel even more deeply. I am a sinner. I make mistakes. I misunderstand others. I don't express myself the more accurate. I make assumptions. I analyze situations. I manipulate. I get comfortable. I try to bargain with God almighty. I get passive. I get wrapped up in the things right in front of me that I lose focus on God's big picture. I can be selfish. I am impatient. I complain. I am not any more good than the person sitting next to me at any certain time in my life. I need God's grace more than yesterday and I will need God's grace more tomorrow as each day more sins get added onto Christ's shoulders. I am extremely thankful for the confusion and hardship the past few weeks because I have been reminded how much more I need the gospel as I walk through this life in earthly flesh trying to rely solely on the hope and love Christ has put in place of my flesh. I forget about God's kindness and desperately need reminding every moment of every day. With the gospel and God's grace, I am able to let go of the emotions that hold back belief and rescuing. I need the Savior who promises perfect peace in every tribulation and the Lord that gives perseverance through every struggle. 

Psalm 6:1-4 is a cry of David's heart. A cry from a man continually seeking after God's own heart.

A Psalm of David. O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger, nor discipline me in your wrath. 

Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing; heal me, O LORD, for my bones are troubled. 

My soul also is greatly troubled. But you, O LORD--how long? 

Turn, O LORD, deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love.

On a completely different side note. As I continue to trust in the Lord for where He may best be glorified after graduation in which direction I go, I have thought about a new option. I graduate in December after student teaching this coming fall semester. I plan on student teaching around Stevens Point and am still contemplating whether or not I will still be coaching because this season has been a lot more stressful than I had originally thought. I'm not exactly sure if I will be able to handle the stress of student teaching and coaching on top of that ha. But, I keep thinking about how much I LOVE Substance Church in the cities. I love the truth spoken in the messages, I am able to experience God in such an intimate way during their worship and just feel so welcomed. I love hearing about what God is doing in this church because of the devotion the staff have to acting upon God's plan and how to bring the Gospel to the community around them. When I was in the cities back in September I went to one of their services with my friend Christa who I usually stay with when I visit the cities. I ended up talking to a random guy and he ended up sharing their internship program with me. I was instantly intrigued and have been praying about this possibility. The more I think about doing ministry and how I'm still not sure what that looks like, I think about how great this internship would be. So, there will be more details to come as I continue praying about this but I am heavily thinking about moving to the cities next January and start this internship through Substance in February. I could substitute teach, have a full time job, have a long term sub job, or work in other capacities while doing this internship which would be very wise just coming out of college to help pay off student loans before going fully into full time ministry. This is just kind of a hypothetical plan for now but every time I visit the cities I love it more and more and I'm ready for a new adventure. I guess we will see where God leads! =)

Yielding Rights

Have this attitude in yourselves, which was also Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. -Philippians 2:5-8


I have been listening to a few sermons by Roger Hershey the past couple days and I encourage you to check him out on iTunes podcasts because he has some great wisdom. I listened to his sermon on yielding rights and can completely relate to his words as I think about some of the expectations I have of having a 'right' to certain knowledge and things.


Verse 5 tells us that we should have an attitude of Jesus who emptied Himself. Jesus took on the role of a bond-servant, a slave, and laid aside His rights. Jesus had the right to the whole kingdom of God but laid that right down to die on the cross and purchase our salvation. Because God bought us with the price of Christ's precious blood, we are owned by Him. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, "or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body." I am not my own and I have been purchased to be saved from sin, death, and hell. I have been bought to be set free from slavery to sin and to satan. God is our new master and He is the only one who owns every right of our lives. When we put our faith in Jesus, we die with him on the cross. We die to our flesh, our dreams, our desires, our sin. I am united with Christ in order to be raised from the death of who I was and to be made into the perfection that God created me to be in Him.


I think about all the rights that I keep holding onto and realize that holding on to rights only causes more pain and disappointment because holding onto rights is failing to truly trust in God's plan and faithfulness. I catch myself thinking that I have the right to not struggle financially, I have the right to the knowledge to understand what God is doing in my life, I have the right to good health, I have the right to have people like me, I have the right to be given a dating relationship, I have the right to a future family, I have the right to do what I want with the time I am given in my day, I have the right to understand where others are coming from, I have the right to forgive on my timeline, I have the right to be admired, I have the right to be respected and be recognized, I have the right to be comfortable, I have the right to have convenience, I have the right to be treated fairly, I have the right to be understood, I have the right to have approval of family, I have the right to a long life, I have the right to follow my dreams, and I have the right to never suffer. Why on earth do I think that I can have these rights? There is nothing that says I am privileged with rights when I started following the Lord. In fact, I should have the mindset of the complete opposite. If my life is truly all about living a life like Christ's, the only right I should think I have is to have no rights at all. Why do we think we have the right to constantly experience love from others and blessings of comfort and desires when Christ was hated and went through unbearable physical pain to be able to take the punishment of my wrong-doing. Christ was disrespected in every way possible but yet we put ourselves on pedestals above Christ when we think that we deserve and have the right to things and experiences. When the rights that we think we deserve to keep are violated we can experience bitterness, frustration, and disappointment. This stings my heart because the past couple weeks I have been battling with the Lord about being frustrated with why He placed situations in my life that caused emotional confusion that lead to feeling teased and disappointed. I felt that I had the right to understand God's purpose and plan at any given moment. This is so untrue. The more I hung onto thinking I had the right to understanding the more disappointment I was creating for myself. God never promised me understanding to His plan and He has never promised that I would never be confused. In fact, God does promise trials for the purpose of testing our faith in His character. God does promise suffering. We don't follow Jesus because He makes everything good. We follow Jesus because He is worthy. He is worthy of my life. He is worthy of my heartache, worthy of my pain, worthy of confusion, worthy of my disappointment because He does promise in Romans 8:16-17 that: "The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him." We will share glory with Jesus one day. What an amazing reward for following Christ through every trial and suffering with perseverance. Just like anyone else following Christ, I have to surrender everything. Each time I am facing disappointment I need to yield my rights to God over and over and over again. God is sovereign and I cannot pick and choose which characteristics of God I want to believe in and trust and which ones I do not. I need to be brought back to Luke 9:23 everyday which says, "And He was saying to them all, 'if anyone wishes to comes after me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me.'"


We have the choice to demand our rights or yield our rights. We have to make that decision over and over again as we walk through life. If we live a life of demanding our rights we risk living a life of bitterness, disappointment, anger, and frustration because life is not going to our way most of the time. If we live a yielded life then whatever God brings we will joyfully accept it because we will trust that God knows what is best.

The Good Shepherd

A psalm of David. The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,  he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.-Psalm 23

"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." 

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me." -John 10:11, 14

This psalm is not written for those who do not follow Christ. This psalm only applies to those of us who proclaim that Jesus really is our shepherd by receiving Him through faith. Jesus' saving work is sufficient for all (2 Corinthians 12:9) but it is only effective for those who fully believe in Jesus. When we read this psalm we are proclaiming that Jesus is MY shepherd and if that reflects our lives then we have everything in Him.

A shepherd supplies basic needs for his sheep just like Christ supplies our needs for us. He makes us lie down in green pastures meaning that we will not lack food for our souls and physical bodies. Jesus will not let us go hungry. Jesus leads us beside the still waters meaning that we will not lack refreshment and liquids needed to survive. Our physical bodies need plenty of water to function at their best but our souls also need refreshment of calmness. Jesus restores our souls and in Him we will not lack energy. Relying on Christ's strength we will be able to run the race set before us with full energy from the restoration of our souls that Christ blesses us with. Jesus leads us in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. When we truly turn to Jesus we will never lack moral direction. Jesus will lead us on the path that will bring the most glory to God and fulfill the purpose that God created us to have. Jesus will never leave us and will always be with us even when we walk through darkness. We do not need to be afraid of death because Jesus provides comfort. Sin that is unconfessed and unforgiven is the sting of death that we deserve. However, Christ robs death of that sting for those who believe in Him. Sheep need correcting sometimes in the direction that they are going and shepherds use their rod and staff to guide the sheep into the right direction. The rod and staff are also used to protect sheep. Jesus also needs to correct our direction but He also protects us in huge ways. Jesus prepares a table with all the spiritual blessings that He purchases for us with His precious blood and we are able to sit and enjoy these blessings even when surrounded by enemies because Christ gives peace and security in Him. Sheep gain scratches and wounds as they take paths of the unknown. Shepherds use oil on the heads of sheep to soothe the pain of these scratches and wounds. Jesus anoints our heads with oil so that our wounds will be soothed and healed. When we truly think about all these ways that Christ shepherds us and the blessings that He pours upon us we will have no choice by to gratefully acknowledge Him and experience "our cup running over" with joy and peace of the Lord. As we are escorted through life, Christ will continue to guide us to our eternal dwelling place of the Father's house. We will be led by God's goodness and mercy. Oh Praise Him for the opportunity to even be led down a path of righteousness and perfection.

As I look back into my college years, I see the ways God worked in miraculous ways as a true Shepherd. Even going into college suffering from depressing, the Lord was there to comfort. Although I did not fully allow Him to be my ultimate comfort, I can see the times that God's comfort was overwhelming. When I transferred to UWSP because of not wanting to be away from home during depression and because of secretly hoping things would work out again with my ex boyfriend, I fully believe that it was the Lord leading me into the amazing Christian community that I am blessed with at this school. If I would not have transferred back home, even for the wrong reasons, I would not have gotten plugged into Christian ministry eventually. The first semester of being a transfer student was not a semester of following the Lord....far from it. But, I met people who eventually got me to leave the party scene and check out someone who was worth following. The Lord used this time to lead me in ways that I was not expecting and used times of doubt and darkness to steer me to His ultimate purpose. I could write about SO many times that the Lord pulled me out of sin, recalculated my path, and put me back in the right direction. The Lord has given me incredible strength in significant situations that allowed me to protect who I was in Christ. Middle of sophomore year I had started dating a guy who seemed to know the Lord but I failed to truly understand what he viewed following God looked like. When he started pressuring me past boundaries I had set up for myself I was able to let that relationship go right away. I really liked the guy at the time and it was definitely the Lord giving me strength to break up with him so quickly and I am definitely thankful! 

Do I honestly see God as my good shepherd right now? Yes, I honestly do. I have seen the crazy ways the Lord has brought me to Him the past few years and sometimes I view it as truly a miracle. There is no doubt in my mind that it was God who interfered with the plans I had for myself and brought me to His plan. The Lord has pulled me out of the worst pains and ruts in my life and gave me strength to do nothing but seek after Him. I have been able to sprint after His goodness because He has blessed me with so many opportunities to see it first hand in my life. I trust in following the Lord because my plans have been nothing compared to the crazy things God has thrown into my life. One of the craziest blessings was a few summers ago. I may have written about this story already but I am reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness through it. I had decided that I was going to make a plan to go on Summer Project, a missions trip. I had made the plan to send out support letters and I planned on getting a good response from my family....because they are family and family is supposed to support family. Well, my plan did not go exactly the way I thought it was going to. My own grandmother who would randomly give us money on visits told me she would not support anything I was doing with missions. In fact she offered to pay for the rest of my college career if I did not go. I quickly refused her offer but had no idea where the rest of my support was going to come from if not from family. Unfortunately, she passed away a week before going on the trip but God had a plan in all of this all along. I had no idea that there was going to be an inheritance giving to us as grandchildren from her passing. The inheritance is paying for the rest of my school for the most part and helped me to go to Africa the next summer. God is faithful in mysterious ways but I will follow His mystery because I would not be the changed person I am if I had not still gone on that trip despite the lack of support that turned into a huge blessing. 

In order to look to God for wisdom in what to do after I graduate, I need to fully believe that God can and He will lead me like the good shepherd. He will lead me in the best way. There are fears that God will vanish from continuing to lay them at His feet. Lord, I need You to take my fears and anxieties that are known and replace them with Your truth. I also need to recognize what is currently unknown. My prayer for myself and for those of you who can relate is this verse:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.-Psalm 139:23-24

Know that you are incredibly loved and cared for. There is hope waiting for you to embrace His arms and cling to the promise only Christ can offer.

Processing Life...Overwhelming but Good!

So this post may be long BUT if you are in the same boat as me and are currently processing what the Lord may have planned for you, I strongly encourage you to read on and process some of these same questions. This past weekend I had an incredibly opportunity to attend a conference all about planning for the future...my "life options." This post is basically the start of what I will be processing for the next 35 years. That was obviously an exaggeration, I sure hope it won't take 35 years, but I do know that this process is going to be just that.....a process. I am so so so thankful that the Lord has given me the ability to have options to process and am more than excited to see God's glory revealed in my life. So here we go!

Any human has a primary calling to the salvation God gives freely and to the opportunity to be completely washed away and sanctified. As we see brokenness and evil in the world, we can easily see that not everyone decides to follow that calling. Some purposely rebel, some just don't care, but some haven't even heard how to live out this calling. As Christians who have decided to follow our primary calling as broken people, we are called to service. We are called to bring the hope that we have to those directly around us, those that cross our paths, and those who we will have to leave comfort zones to find. God has personally privileged us with the opportunity to have already found the one hope for our lives and He personally calls us to bring it to those who do not know and especially to those who have not even had an opportunity to hear. Can you imagine walking through life in a different country and not knowing Jesus because you have not even heard of His name? What makes us think that we have the right to not help in giving them the opportunity to hear of Jesus? I do believe that not everyone was created to pack up, jump on a plane, and go live in these places for the rest of their lives but I do believe that everyone can have even small amount of impact of bringing the gospel to these places. First question for myself: What am I going to do with hope and truth that I have been entrusted with? Well, I am going to live out the joy and love that God has placed in my heart and I am going to stand up for what Christ can do for broken souls. I have been blessed so many times in being able to share the good news with people who did not have understanding but through explanation, came to faith in Christ. Seeing in front of you a lost, broken soul turn from fleshly strength and pain to redeeming love and mercy is one of the best gifts God has given me. However, as far as how I am going to specifically continue to live this out in the future and how I am going to bring the gospel to broken people? That is obviously the big question I am trying to figure out. God has created me to be a daughter of His with certain gifts, abilities, skills, experiences, failures, weaknesses, and passions so that I can uniquely serve Him in this world and in the church. I have been created for God to use me for His glory and I want nothing more than to glorify Him the best that I can by using the things He has given me in the best area of ministry that I can.

Romans 12:1 says: I appeal to you therefor, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

I desire my life to be a continued sacrifice for the One who gave everything for me. How does my life fit into God's Will? God's Will is for everyone to have a chance to hear of the greatest Love that has ever come and the name of His Son who is the only One to save. How does the life that God has given me fit in with that? What does presenting my body and life as a sacrifice really look like? What are the things that I need to "give up?" What are the fears that go against God's character that I need to have greater faith in?

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

What are the areas in my life that I am not content in or would not be content in? Well, I am not content in being a freak to my family members now and I know that giving up "real world" jobs and doing full time ministry would create even more disappointment in my family members. Although my parents do not understand, they have been pretty supportive in my short term trips but I would struggle with being content in my dad's lack of encouraging words. I actually realized last night that one of my biggest fears in making decisions in life is not making my dad proud. Growing up, I didn't necessarily doubt that my dad was proud of me but he never verbalized it and did not physically support the activities that meant the most to me. My dad came to very few of my dance recitals over the 14 years of multiple recitals and he came to maybe 1 dance team competition when I was in junior high and high school. I obviously didn't feel completely supported. With my dad's lack of words that affirm chasing after the right dreams and passions, I definitely fear never hearing the words of "I'm proud of you" from my dad again. This is most likely an irrational fear but it is real and I need to recognize it and bring it to the Lord. Fears like this one are the things that make me incredibly weak in following God's true plan but it forces me to my knees and I have no choice but to have greater faith in Him. I can't change my dad's heart or the rest of my family's hearts and it forces me to rely on God's strength and control. 

Matthew 9:37 says: Then Jesus said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest."

There are SO many people waiting eagerly to hear of what the Lord has planned for their life but there are not enough people willing to be a laborer for the gospel. I already know that I want to give my life to ministry for the sake of these people. A heart breaking fact about Africa is that the number of people who have not even had ONE chance to hear about who Jesus is and the relationship that can be given is the same number of people who live in the entire United States. Over 300 million people just in Africa who have had not one chance yet to be given true hope. Not everyone is called to go to Africa long term but I have experienced African people who are so hungry for the knowledge of God. There are harvests all over the place. Who is willing to be a laborer in the harvests?

Revelation 1:3, 7 says: Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written in it, for the TIME IS NEAR. Behold, he is coming with the clouds, and every eye will see him, even those who pierced him, and all tribes of the earth will wail on account of him.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 says: For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.

Jesus IS coming back. God already tells us that and that time is drawing near. Our lives are just a dot on an eternal timeline. Jesus is going to come back with his armies soon. What do I want to be doing when Jesus comes back? What purpose do I want my life to have knowing that Jesus could come back in our generation's time period? Since 5th grade I have wanted to be a teacher. I am still pursuing an education degree. As I got further in the education program I thought about being a positive influence on my students' and if I could also coach, my athletes. I got excited about the opportunities to pour God's love onto broken teenagers knowing that they may not experience love and support in their homes and families. I do believe in workplace ministry and I know some great friends who are awesome at being able to relate to coworkers in ways that doors open all the time to share the gospel in outside settings. However, I need to look at the reality of sitting in a junior high or high school classroom that is focused on academics. I need to look at the reality of having different students every hour of the day who are there to learn academics. The reality of time in the workplace needs to be given serious thought. I want to use every opportunity to share the gospel but will I really be able to beyond just being loving and encouraging towards my students? I honestly would rather be using more time to bring the gospel to people around the world whether through me or through those I have the opportunity to minister to but if I am working a full time job in a classroom, I won't be able to use as much time compared to a full time job in ministry. Academics, health, and materials will fade and be demolished but the gospel will remain forever.

James 1:5 says: If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him.

Am I hesitating to go to God? Am I allowing God to give generously to my life by surrendering it all back to Him? I would like to think so. However, I am scared about the possibility of being a disappointment to my family. I am scared that the Lord won't provide if I end up in ministry where I would have to raise all my support. I hesitate to let go of my desires because what if God doesn't come through for me? What if I put control in His hands and miss out on opportunities because I cannot control the outcome? I know these are silly questions and the Lord will provide blessings for the desires that align with His Word and His will but I still confess fear and anxiety over family, finances, and the desire of a very future family. The way we can receive wisdom is through God alone through prayer and the Word of truth. We cannot expect to have a perspective of the will of God if we are not in the Word of God. When I do search the scriptures and pray to hear God's voice, the Lord does promise peace will eventually come. Most of the time this peace will not come until after taking a leap of faith but we still are able to feel peace and experience the emotion. However, we need to also discern if this peace is God's voice aligning with scripture or peace coming from our own inner desires? 

Proverbs 12:15 says: The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.

Although we need to first listen to the Word of God, we can seek advice from those who know our hearts most. God has blessed us with brothers and sisters that have taken the time to get to know us. Some may have more insight into our strengths and weaknesses than we can see ourselves. Others can see what passions excite us most and create spark in our eyes. Advice from those around us who we trust to know us well can be a great help in deciding where the future may be headed. Others have told me gifts and abilities they have seen in me that I did not recognize for myself and they have helped me grow incredibly because of it.

2 Timothy 1:7 says: For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

1 Corinthians 2:14-16 says: The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment: "For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?" But we have the mind of Christ.

When we choose to follow Christ, we are blessed with His Spirit inside of us that is a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. We also are blessed with the mind of Christ. A mind that is trustworthy and sound. We are blessed with the mind that is able to discern life when we allow the mind of Christ to work for us. When we are comparing our thoughts to the Word we can trust to use our minds. So here are some specific questions that I am considering as I continue to process where the Lord is leading me in the future!

What are my spiritual and natural gifts? According to a couple spiritual gifts tests/inventories my top 5 spiritual gifts are: Encouragement, Hospitality/Service, Evangelism, Faith, and Leadership. According to the Strengths Finder test that I have taken my top 5 strengths are Developer, Strategic, Empathy, Discipline, and Positivity. Some natural gifts include music, writing, dancing, communicating to others, having compassion towards others, baking, cooking, teaching others concepts in a way they understand, applying life skills, etc. (More to think through.) 

What are my strengths and weaknesses? I encourage people often, I help others in times of need even when I am busy, I have a heart for other peoples' growth, I love to help people, I communicate well in times of conflict, I enjoy solving problems, I can see the big picture in things and all the small details at the same time....more strengths could be listed. My weaknesses mostly start with insecurity. I am insecure that I am good enough and liked enough to let others see past some walls. I am intimidated by others who are strong in the Lord and are heavily blessed because I don't feel as though I measure up. I keep to myself sometimes and am not super outgoing when meeting new people. I sometimes struggle with change in life. I am a sucker for comfort. 

What has my academic and spiritual training prepared me for? Having an education major has taught me how to relate to youth and how to inspire them to live life beyond their potential. My academic major has given me an incredible amount of experience working with youth and being able to pour into them even if it is through teaching them academically. Jobs that I have gone after and volunteering opportunities I have signed up for were always to put on my teaching resume but I look back now and see how much experience they have given me for relating to youth and young adults. My spiritual training has been incredible. My campus ministry has equipped me on how to share my own personal testimony, how to relay the gospel in ways that can be understood, how to grow in my own walk with Christ, and how to mentor others. My ministry within the youth group at my church has equipped me with training of how to apply the knowledge God has given me in the youth setting and how to teach the knowledge to youth. I can definitely see working in a ministry for youth and/or young adults. 

Questions where answers will be posted in another post but also important to look at:

How has the Lord used me in the past? Past effectiveness?

How might my personality type figure into my work?

What am I burdened over most? What people group's brokenness breaks me heart?

How do I see the pain and brokenness of the world?

Where is God at work in some special way at this time? A unique opening for the Gospel?

What opportunities could I be a part of where my gifts could be used most?

What do I already have a vision for?

In what way do I long to see God glorified more?

What do I enjoy and find motivating?

When serving others, what gives me the greatest joy?

What am I passionate about?

What do I want to do more than anything else in the world?

Obviously there is a lot to this post and you probably feel like I threw up on you because that is how I felt when I was given most of this information this past weekend. God has given us experiences, passions, hardship, gifts, and burdens for a reason. God has given us emotional experiences over certain things to possibly help us in discerning what breaks our hearts the most for furthering His kingdom. We are only placed on this earth for a flash of time along side of broken people who have no hope after this life. I encourage you to listen to God's voice, the advice of those who know your heart, and your own hearts' desires that are aligned with God's heart. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. -Matthew 6:33

May God continue to bless you as you seek after Him and His purpose.