Ancient Ruins

First and foremost, I have been horrible at blogging the last week or so....especially the past few days. Partially because our internet was down, but partially because I always have too much in my schedule. I'm way too good at being busy....something I need to work on.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.

-Isaiah 61:4

The Lord's plan is to be constantly rebuilding, renewing and refining us. If you have been reading past blog entries, you can see how the Lord has already been doing this in my life the past couple months. I know that it is only a small glimpse of what He is going to continue doing. The Lord has been uprooting deep past pain like crazy and yes, it is painful. Most of the chains that the Lord has been working on have been deep family ruins in my life. In the past few days the Lord has really opened my eyes to how much I don't even realize how bonded I truly am with family chains of pain. It's so easy to just say, "well, this is the way it has always been and I'm already used to it so why do I need to make such great effort to change things now after 22 years??" Hmpf. How hard is my heart to not want to make things better? Pretty hard and the truth of that stings. This somehow reminds me of the Biggest Loser in a sense. At the end of a season, the contestants had to run a course with all the weight they had lost put back on them so they could feel the difference. Several had made comments that the chains of weight they had when they actually weighed that much was just normal. It was natural to them to carry 100, even 200, extra pounds on their body and live everyday life like that. They needed to experience the freedom to realize how un-natural those chains really were. This is what I desire to experience with my family chains. However, there is this constant battle and cycle of having this great desire and taking a few steps towards the direction of change but then not seeing change and going back to the mindset of things just always remaining the same and that's natural. As I talked with a good friend on the phone the other day, he really made me realize how much I suck. As he kept asking about how being at home was I found myself saying, "well, it's not getting better and I'm just getting used to it again because it is always like this." After reflecting later, I realized these chains are so much bigger than I thought and that just because I have adapted to them does not mean I still can go on living with them.

You can probably guess most of these chains have to deal with my sister. So many times I have tried to even have a 5 minute conversation with her (this is a lot for us) but she is so involved in herself the conversation does not go anywhere. My sin lets me just blow it off instead of really trying to figure out WHY she is the way she is. Why does she constantly need the attention from anyone and everyone? Why does never admit that she is wrong? What insecurities does she hold that I do not know of? I look at myself and my thoughts and actions constantly revolve around deeper issues and I have been learning more and more about them. Why do I not take the time to realize my sister is the same way? I also think about frustrations with my dad. Our family history has very high diabetes risk, especially on my dad's side. My grandmother had diabetes and 3 of her 6 children have diabetes now--including my dad. My dad was diagnosed with it about 8 years ago when it was very minimal but he does not take care of himself. It is kind of ironic considering he is a chiropractor, a type of doctor. Our family has had some pretty big scares with my dad's health and it had even come to a doctor asking him what he thought about death because the doctor's didn't know what was going on at the time. I find myself thinking selfishly, "why doesn't my dad want to take care of himself to be around for me in later years? Doesn't he care?" Of course he cares about me, the enemy uses these situations to tell me lies. But, instead of showing bigger love and the gospel, I get frustrated and keep to myself. I keep myself in this rut of ruins.

I need to remind myself to look at Jesus' life. There is a need to constantly look at how Christ loved others but I also need to be reminded of Jesus' family life as well. In Matthew 1, Jesus' family line reveals to us that Christ has positives and negatives as well. Christ was able to break chains of bondage when He gave His life for us. Christ takes our inherited bonds for us.  It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." -Galatians 5:1  When we belong to Christ we have the greatest inheritance ever given.  I cannot change the past but I can rely on God's strength to change what I am doing with it. I need the gospel just as much as any family member, friend, or stranger. When I am unable to see into my own family's own pain because I am focusing on what they have caused me, I am not truly experiencing the gospel. I am not allowing them to experience the gospel if my hard heart doesn't allow free forgiveness. I hate how frustration is easier than free love and forgiveness. This is definitely going to continue being a painful journey but I hope to experience the picture of the Biggest Loser contestants and be able to look back and see the freedom the Lord has set before me.