Defeat.

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. -Psalm 37:5

But for me, I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me. Micah 7:7-8

The past week has been lacking overflowing joy and thankfulness to the Lord. I actually have been feeling quite defeated. My heart aches for the brokenness around me, as well as the brokenness in myself. The enemy has definitely gotten into my brain the past few days. I have felt overwhelming defeat in some of the areas of my ministry and I am not understanding how the Lord is using it all. The prayer ministry that the Lord helped me start last year was such an exciting idea and action. I want others so badly to experience the power my God has to change lives in the ways that I have seen and experienced myself. I want so badly for others to have a boldness to claim this power in the darkest areas of their lives. I saw God do amazing things in lives last year in our 24 hour prayer room a couple blocks from campus. I heard amazing stories of how people were experiencing the Lord is such deep ways. I went back onto our prayer blog (http://uwspprayer.blogspot.com/) and read some of the words of others from last year. There was so much power pumping through our movement and I fully believe that it was our dedication as a campus to get on our knees and pray for God to do big things. So why do I feel so defeated? The prayer ministry on campus does not look the same. I know that it is not necessarily true, but I feel that there is such a lack of devoted, bold prayer happening on our campus. Honestly, there is still lack of truly devoted, bold prayer in my own life. I get impatient easily. And what about all the desires that the Lord has been making overwhelming in my heart the past couple months? The desires to do ministry after graduation, get married, have children, glorify the Lord through it ALL. I feel slightly defeated not knowing where the heck I am going after graduation. But, the most feeling of defeat lies in myself. Why? Because all this defeat revolves around nothing but doubt.

The enemy is constantly taking my weaknesses and putting them back into my life as negative thoughts of, "how can God use me?" or "how come God has not given me answers when I have been down on my knees in prayer trusting Him?" The truth is the enemy uses the doubts that we do not directly see all the time to take us back to lies of worthlessness. The enemy constantly uses my past to try to convince me of the words spoken to me as a child that I will never be loved. I hate this. I hate that there are doubts in my life that are causing feelings of defeat. The Lord has been teaching me how much I continually need to ask for Him to give me more faith, give me more trust, change my wretched heart and tune it to only sing praises of His Holy name. I have to continually remind myself that this is a journey. No one is perfect. I will never be perfect while I remain on this earth. But then my past creeps back into my head and remembers how many people have gone through my life judging everything I do and I bring those people back in my head and let them criticize my flaws and weakness and from their criticism, I am brought back to the lie that "no one would love me with these flaws." I am so thankful that the Lord has revealed these thought processes to me as I look into them and want to vomit. 

The Lord WANTS me at my weakest moments because I am most moldable at these times. The Lord IS my refuge now more than ever. I fall and I stumble and I am definitely learning that I fall and stumble a lot more than I realize and care to admit when I am constantly tempted to compare myself to the world. The enemy tries to convince me that my faith is constantly in need of being perfected and that life will not come together until that time. My faith IS in need of being perfected but perfection will not come until I am face to face with the One who created me in His image. This truth is overwhelming and causes hopelessness at times for my nature of perfectionism. But, God still loves me and calls me to strive for His righteousness and His holiness even though I will not gain those until I leave this wicked world. Life will come together despite my imperfections and despite my lack of direction. Psalm 37:5 promises me that the Lord will act when I commit to Him and trust in His ways above my own. Lord, I need my heart to be broken for Your plans and not my own. I need Your goodness and mercy everyday and I constantly need heart change that follows You alone. This life wants to badly to commit to everything You have for me. Take away these doubts and feelings of defeat because they are doing nothing BUT causing more defeat. This soul will not stop fighting even on my weakest days. 


I am brought back again and again to the desperate need of powerful, bold prayer in my life and full trust that my God can do any and all things. The Lord calls me to step out in steps of faith into His mysteries and acknowledge that He is taking the wheel. The Lord does not want me to just sit and wait for everything to make perfect sense. He doesn't want me to sit and wait for concrete answers and concrete plans. The Lord does not promise peace to us about future plans before we take steps of faith. The Lord desires me to ask big things of Him and to not stop asking before He answers. The Lord expects me to walk blindly and listen to only His voice for me to expect Him to reveal His perfect plans. The Lord gives me freedom to step out into multiple options that all glorify Him and trust that He will work through any of them when I don't feel a strong pull and calling to one particular path. The Lord is good and I need to proclaim this temple is His alone continuously for this body to be used in the biggest ways God has planned. In my weak feelings of defeat, the Lord is the only One who will give me strength to stand strong and courageous for the sake of His purpose.