Addict

This is my most recent poem entitled, "Addict."

I am an addict.

Addicted to my own plans.

The plans that focus on my own ways, 

Desires that I stay fixated on for days.

The desires that put my wants and comforts first,

This selfishness inside demands to get out above the surface and burst.

I am an addict. 

Addicted to pleasing anyone and everyone,

Pleasing to be given worth except for the worth that comes from the Son.

Perfecting an image that seems so flawless,

So put together it might as well be lifeless.

Unfulfilling because perfection can't be found,

Because only to sin and disobedience, this place is bound.

I am an addict.

Addicted to playing the role.

The role that says 'Jesus Follower' on the outside,

While the heart screams 'Temporary Fan When Things are Going Well' on the inside.

Living FOR God going through the motions,

Yet filling my soul with poisoned potions,

Instead of basking in the relationship truly offered with grace,

But I'm too set on MYSELF conquering the race.

I am an addict. 

Addicted to things of this world.

The things that are told to bring happiness and life,

Buying into the lies that only bring stress and strife.

Putting Spirit-filled joy and surrender on hold,

Rationalizing the need for the new Blackberry Bold.

I am an addict.

Addicted to fear.

The fear that comes from lack of trust,

Forgetting that I am nothing but dust.

Doubt that He redeems dust into beautiful things,

Avoiding true refinement that only comes through pain and stings.

Afraid that His art made from my heart is not the best,

I hesitate to let go of white knuckles in order to make myself become less.

I am an addict.

Addicted to living a lie.

The lie that I can support myself and get by on my own,

So saturated in culture, the world creates me to be another clone.

A woman who feeds off of self-sufficiency and control,

Manipulating time and resources to achieve the next goal.

Refusing to let God rip these hands open to give to Him everything,

In order to live the called life of only having the cross to cling.

I am an addict.

Addicted to watering down truth.

The truth that says I am the worst of them all,

Sin so tightly entangled in my veins, I might as well be Saul.

Sin so gruesome I deserve nothing but death,

Sin that rejects the power in Jesus' last breath.

The breath of a dead man raised back to life in three days,

A miracle that replaced despair with hope when there was no other way.

Hope that leads back to a loving Father's arms,

Arms that take away all addictions that produce harm.

Love unfathomable and undeserved is freely given,

Given when we decide to stand up and start living.

Living and boldly proclaiming, 'Lord, only of You,

Your promises and grace, I am addicted.'

Experiencing Growth

Again he began to teach beside the sea. And a very large crowd gathered about him, so that he got into a boat and sat in it on the sea, and the whole crowd was beside the sea on the land. And he was teaching them many things in parables, and in his teaching he said to them: "Listen! A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured it. Other seed fell on rocky ground, where it did not have much soil, and immediately it sprang up, since it had no depth of soil. And when the sun rose, it was scorched, and since it had no root, it withered away. Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no grain. And other seeds fell into good soil and produced grain, growing up and increasing and yielding thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold." 

-Mark 4:1-8

This past week I was at a conference called TCX through CRU. This conference is a place to listen to God speak through His word and through speakers from His word. This year was my 4th TCX. I actually went into TCX being incredibly indifferent to the whole thing. I just came off an incredibly hard semester. This past fall semester was the hardest one I have had academically with so many huge projects that stressed me out. I have never been so stressed out in my life due to the coaching position I have with a junior high dance team. Also, I just haven't been connecting with the Lord in the ways that I was this past summer and at the start of the semester. I was emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually drained. I didn't really expect much to come out of TCX because all I wanted to do was connect with the Lord in some way and feel close to Him because I just wasn't. I don't lead underclassmen on campus and really don't interact with may freshman with having older, solid disciples and leading an off campus bible study for upperclass women. Because of this, I didn't get the experience this year of bringing underclassmen to TCX with me and sharing their excitement all week as they learn things they never heard before. So, TCX was just kind of there and I was just there.

It is amazing that God still uses us and still pursues us at these moments. God meets us exactly where we are and uses these moments even more to teach us more things because we are in a position that is vulnerable and just hard. God completely met me, wrapped His loving arms around me as I cried, and is in the process of literally ripping my hands open in surrender to Him. One of the things that I was reminded of this past week was the things that keep us from experiencing growth. At the top of this blog, I posted a familiar parable. The parable of the sower teaches us about different types of soils that seeds can try to grow in and on. The seed in this parable is the gospel and Christ entering hearts. The soils in the parable are souls and hearts and where they are at when it comes to accepting the gospel for their own lives. So what keeps us from growing in our relationship with the Lord??

The first things is OUR PLAN. We believe the lie that our plan is the best plan. I struggle with self-sufficiency. I love having control of how my life is going. I am a planner so I enjoy knowing the plan of where things and my life are headed. I am also somewhat of a go-getter. When I set my mind to things, I am pretty determined to make it work. This is not how God desires my plans. I am human, I am flawed, I am imperfect, and I am lost. I do not know what my best is for the future because God has not revealed that yet. My plans were the biggest thing that God started ripping out of my hands this past week. I am scared because my doubts and fears kick in that tell me that God will not provide and God will not control the entire situation or plan to come. My biggest doubts are that God will provide when it comes to finances and placing me in the exact place and time that I need to be. One of my biggest fears is that my family will disown me if God's best plan for me is to do full time ministry in an area that is completely funded on support from others. Every single time I go home my dad talks to me for at least 20 minutes about where all the job opening are for teaching jobs once I graduate. I still have yet to tell him that I don't plan on getting a full time teaching  just right after I graduate. I have heard the calling of doing full time ministry for at least 3-5 years right after college. Psalm 37:5 says, "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act." Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." Micah 6:8 says, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." And Romans 8:31 says, "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" God promises that He will act in our lives. He promises that He will give us a future and hope. God promises that He will make all things work together for good for those who love Him. In order to truly walk in the perfect plan that God has for us, we need to seek Him with all our heart, walk humbly with Him, and die to ourselves. We need to let go of our plans, our dreams, our expectations, and our love for the world instead of love for our God. I started making a plan to move to the Twin Cities after graduation and look into an internship with Substance church there. I knew that it would still be doing ministry but it was part time needing only to raise 4,500 dollars of support. During this internship I could work during the day and have an income from a full time job and still do ministry. I was thinking that this would make so much sense being able to pay off more college debt. I absolutely love the Twin Cities and God has been giving me a bigger and bigger heart for ministry within the church. God continually grows my excitement of bringing all the training, resources, and knowledge that CRU has given me into churches that may not be training and equipping members to constantly be sharing the gospel. I thought this was the perfect plan for right after graduation, just a year. However, God saw right through my selfish heart and convicted me of my doubts and fears. I was choosing the internship at Substance over an internship with CRU because of the doubt of God providing support. I was choosing this plan because of what my family would say. I have already experienced persecution from family members through raising support between 3-4 thousand dollars for a short term trip. What would they say and think with raising 5 times that much for a fully surrendered year of ministry? It's scary but I know that these doubts and fears are keeping me from experiencing the Lord deeper. At TCX, I felt as though God wants to use the support raising process that comes with interning with CRU to break chains of doubt and fear. I am scared and still doubt but I want the Lord to use the hardship that is to come to break me in ways that still need breaking in order to go deeper in trusting God's character and promises for my life. God can still change my plans but I am thinking of graduating in December next year, substitute teaching second semester while raising support, support raising in the summer, and then interning with CRU that following year. However, the Lord has also been showing me that getting out of Stevens Point would probably be a good thing with having so many memories, good and bad, attached to this town. I still am growing a passion for the Twin Cities so I am most likely going to intern with CRU in the Twin Cities! These tentative plans are fully surrendered to the Lord because He can definitely change them.

The second thing that keeps us from experiencing growth is our pride. We believe the lie that we can make it on our own. When I think about pride I usually think about arrogance and thinking of yourself above others. Now, I have never thought myself to be arrogant because I love serving others and grew up in a home where putting others above yourself was normal. Because of this, I have never considered myself very prideful. However, God has been revealing pride in my life like none other. There are different types of pride and the biggest one in my life is believing that I can do things on my own. I can get by on my own. I don't need a lot of help from others when it comes to everyday tasks. This comes from growing up with a lot of independence. I also struggle with pride in letting people see my flaws. I still have scars from comments made to me about all sorts of my flaws in elementary school and junior high school. These scars still allow my mind to believe lies that I will not be accepted unless I am perfect. The pride of not letting others in on my tough times and the struggles that I face hurt me and my growth more than letting lies, sins, doubts, and fears out into the light. I still am convinced that I can handle some things on my own.....I can't. John 3:30 says, "He must increase, but I must decrease." Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." I am not my own. My plans are not my own. I cannot walk through this life on my own. Everyday there is a battle for our thoughts, actions, dreams, plans, and souls. We will not win this battle without Christ. In fact, we can't just have Christ. We must fully surrender to Christ battling for us. 

The third thing that keeps us from experiencing growth is our past. We believe the lie that God could never love us because of our past and the choices that we made. Part of my testimony is being involved in the party scene and making choices under influence that dragged me further and further away from God. There are days that the enemy still uses these incidents from 4 years ago to tell me that God can't use me. Once in awhile I still believe the lie that I should be ashamed of bringing such a holy gospel to people when my hands and feet have been so filthy and unclean-not holy at all. However, that is the whole reason why the gospel exists. We need it every single day. Our past shows us that every single person needs the gospel every moment of every day of our lives. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Philippians 3:12-14 says, "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." The amount of sin in our lives whether past, present, or future never changes the fact that Christ died for every single one of them. God promises to never leave us or forsake us. We will never be perfect while here on this earth on our own strength. We are only made perfect through the blood of Christ and in return, seeking full obedience in fulfilling God's purpose in our lives of furthering the gospel. We are called to continually move forward and seek the face of our almighty Creator. If we expect growth, we CANNOT commit the same sins over and over again. We cannot be content to live in lies. We cannot live in secret and hidden sins. We will be controlled by the evil that we keep inside of us and what we keep in us will eventually come out of us.